MET \5670 "Original" Post --Rev. 1.01 Originally posted on EQUEST-L on Jun 11, 1994 What you are about to see is a sort of "trial piece" for a really bad crossover fanfic idea which combines two worlds which really have no business being anywhere near each other: _Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_ and _Elfquest_ Why? Well, let me preface something really quick here-- I only just started reading EQ just over 8 weeks ago, and I must say it has been one of the most amazing 8 weeks I've ever had... :-) I could say a lot here, but, I think you all know pretty much where I'm coming from, else you would not be reading this mailing list. Now, I don't become a rabid fan of just anything-- this is a very rare occurrence for me. One of my few other major fan interests is the television show _Mystery_Science_Theater_3000_ (MST3K), of which I have been an avid follower for about 3 years now. The problem is, or at least *was*, that trying to switch between these two topics seemed difficult at first-- the two "environments" are quite different, and EQ is so different from anything I've gotten really "in to" before... So, during one of these "gear-shifting" times, I started trying to write a "theme song" for Elfquest in the style and format of the MST3K theme... and it just sort of kept going... :-) I'm almost ashamed, really-- mangling the wonderful world of EQ in this way, but, what the hey, I figured-- it should certainly get a chuckle or two from anyone else who happens to like both EQ and MST3K, (though I somehow doubt there are too many of those...) and I figured I might try using it as a way to start a "contest" of sorts on rec.arts.tv.mst3k for "Bad Crossover Fanfic Ideas." :-) Now, look, *please*-- put down the brickbats and torches, OK? I'm on *your* side, and I'm not trying to put down EQ here-- quite the opposite really, if you think about it. If it will make you feel better, take it as a warning as to what *could* happen if EQ was ever adapted into a TV show without putting enough care into it... If you haven't ever seen MST3K, then, well, this thing probably won't make much sense... [not that it makes *much* sense, as it is... :-) ] Also, the mis-used EQ references were necessary to get this thing to even *pretend* to work, so please, don't bother complaining about those points... Anyway, send all comments, questions, silly observations, etc. to: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu In this case, all flames will be cheerfully ignored... :-) Please accept this in the spirit of fun it was intended as; any potential flamers should be well satisfied with how this thing ends anyway. At least I'll soon know how much of a sense of humor EQ fans have... :-) Ok, enough! So, here's the Two-Edge even Winnowill couldn't have been responsible for-- _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_! --Marty ------------------------cut here 8<---------------------------------------- First, may I present the theme and opening sketch for the very first episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights (hereby officially abbreviated as "MET\5670"). ------------ ["header" still-frame is shown; voice over of video editor guy] VO: "Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights and one, Reeeel one!" [begin opening theme sequence] In the not-too-distant future, Next moon-cycle A.D., There was an elf named Cutter, Not too different from you or me. He and his Wolfrider tribe you see, Were creatures of the forest who lived in a tree-- They all led a hard life but kept a cheerful face, But the humans didn't like 'em so they set fire to the place! "We'll have to find a new Holt," "The safest we can find!" (la-la-la) Cutter led the tribe to Greymung the troll-- Would he help them out of their bind? (la-la-la) Now keep in mind the elves couldn't control Where the Tunnel of Golden Light would lead, (la-la-la) The hot desert sun was where they were left to die-- Would Sorrow's End be found despite the trolls' greed? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! (Blood of Ten Chiefs!) Clearbrook! (long braids!) Scouter! (keen peepers!) Redlance! (what a green thumb!) One-Eye! (not a pirate!) Skywise! (he's a dreamer!) Strongbow! (unmatched!) Rainsong! (life bringer!) Nightfall! (good hunting!) Treestump! (strongman!) Woodlock! (family elf!) Dewshine! (enthusiastic!) Moonshade! (deep tanning!) Piiiiiiiike! (get the dreamberries!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "It'll all come clear; This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; the pull back ends with the exterior of the tree] [The Wolfriders are all gathered in front of the Father Tree; Cutter is standing in front of the group. One of the Wolfriders seems to be missing...] CUTTER: Greetings and welcome to the Holt of Love; my name is Cutter, and we are the Wolfriders. [all others quickly nod, wave, or offer some other sign of greeting/acknowledgement] Today we've been busy around the Holt making spearheads and the like; the hunting party didn't turn up anything, but-- [A white "diamond-star" shape starts flashing in the lower left-hand corner of the scene] Uh oh, looks like the Mad High-Ones are sending to us again. [Cutter stoops down and taps a knot on one of the Father Tree's roots, though it doesn't seem very obvious why he does this.] [switch to scene of the Mad High-Ones' lair; looks like something Winnowill would have designed. Dr. Claytimmain and Open-Sending's Frank are visible; they look, well, pretty much the way you'd expect them to look...] DR. C: [evil cheeriness] Well, Keeblers, we've now got something really *exciting* cooked up for you here at Deep Eight-and-Five! And it's all thanks to our invention exchange this week! Right Frank? FRANK: That's right! We've had a lot of fun following your little exploits around the Holt-- hunting, riding those *adorable* wolves around, playing toss-stone, occasionally getting killed by humans... DR. C: But we somehow don't think it's fair that only *we* get to watch the fun. Besides, we weren't gaining any wealth off of it. Ergo, these Elfquest comic books! [Frank holds up a couple of copies of the original WaRP Graphics Elfquest issue #1; Dr. C casually points to them] [scene shifts back to HoL] CUTTER: [confused] Kah-mihk bookz? SKYWISE: [apparently looking intently at the Elfquest comic] I... don't understand; sort of looks like some kind of symbol story... So, what's so exciting about these "kah-mihk bookz" or whatever they are? [back to Deep Eight-and-Five] DR. C: Well, remember that big egg-thing we invented a while back? With it we discovered a large group of humans on another world who we think we can entrance by relating stories about your pitiful little lives. From now on, we'll be recording your life experiences in these books using symbols which these faraway humans can understand. We'll trade these books to them and get rich! Mwahahahahaaa! [Dr. C rubs his hands together with evil glee] Then, once they become fully hypnotized, we'll be able to take over their world! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! [Dr. C and Frank both laugh manically] So, what have you got for us this week, you Santa's workshop rejects? [back to HoL] CUTTER: Uhh.. [frantically looking around; the other Wolfriders just shrug their shoulders] [back to Deep Eight-and-Five] DR. C: [sighs] Alright, just forget it; I don't know *why* I bother asking every week... [mock cheeriness again] Anyway, to kick off our little business venture with a bang, we've got a very interesting and exciting experiment for you this week! Should be quite pleasurable too! [back to HoL] CUTTER: Well, *that* would be a switch! [back to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Would it? Oh, wait, you don't understand-- I meant pleasurable to *us*! Anyway, as far as today's events go, we've got some good news and some bad news for you! The good news is that after today you won't be bothered by humans for at least seven turns of the seasons! [back to HoL] ALL: [lots of excited screaming in general] CUTTER: [signalling to the others to hold it down] Uh, wait, what's the *bad* news? [back to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: What? Didn't you notice the theme song? It-- DR. C: [teeth clenched] Shut *up* Frank! FRANK: [in his "embarrassed" voice] Oh...that's right... they don't... get to hear... that... eh heh... DR. C: [looks angrily at Frank, then turns towards us and smiles] Oh... don't worry; I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. May your eyes see with pain! [to Frank] "Send" 'em the experiment, Frank. [scene switches back to HoL] [buzzers start going off from no apparent source; everyone starts running around frantically for no obvious reason] CUTTER: We've got TwoMoons sign! NIGHTFALL: [in background; can hardly hear her over the din of the buzzers] Hey, anyone seen Redlance? ..... uh, you get the idea... :-P Of course, starting with Show eight-eights and six, we will need a new theme song. Herewith, then, is the theme to go with the "Quest" episodes of MET\5670: [notice that, this time, the characters themselves speak the phrases in parentheses during the Wolfrider Roll Call, just as happens in the "Mike" MST3K theme] --------------- In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! ------------------ Now, as if just to prove a point, (and to try to prevent this thing from going *any* further) here's the very end of Show eight-eights, two-eights and four: ------------------ [Scene: somewhere in the Palace of the High Ones; those who will be following Cutter back to the Forbidden Grove are gathered together getting ready to leave...] CUTTER: You know, after seeing the Scroll of Colors and all, now I really think they were right when they said we had forgotten what it really means to be elves. TREESTUMP: What do you mean? CUTTER: Well, did you notice how everything changed that day the Mad High Ones showed us those "kah-mik bookz" things they had invented? Suddenly I was referring to the Father Tree as the "Holt of Love"-- and what about all those funny buzzing noises which no insect or beast could have made? And how I kept slapping parts of the Tree whenever those odd little flashing star-lights appeared? I just realized that I never did that before then-- we've *all* been doing strange un-elf-like things since then too-- it's like some odd magic has been making us do all that... TREESTUMP: Hey, you're right about that-- don't know why I never noticed before. I guess it's the Mad High Ones who were doing it then.. CUTTER: That's what I thought at first, but now, I'm not so sure-- I mean, when we found them in Blue Mountain, remember how they practically *begged* Leetah to help them-- I think they were being controlled by something too-- probably the same force that was controlling *us*-- besides, it's still happening even now... [as if on cue, MARTY arrives on the scene. He is driving what Earth-bound humans would recognize as a blue-green Saturn SW1. How he managed to actually *get* a car into the Palace is not apparent, however, but oh well, it's the least of the travesties this fanfic has committed... MARTY exits the car and walks toward the now-very-confused group of elves; he is wearing blue jeans and a "Route 66 Association of Missouri" t-shirt, all of which only adds to the perplexed looks on the faces of the Wolfriders] MARTY: Greetings! I'm Marty, oh, and this is my carfriend, Shieldchaser! I've always wanted to meet you elves in person-- your adventures have really been an inspiration to me! Oddly, though, it also drove me to write this really pointless fanfic, and that involved making all those little changes to your lifestyle... Uh, you don't mind, do you? CUTTER: [his look of puzzlement has now instantly changed into the famous Cutter "you will die *now*" look; in one rapid but smooth motion, he draws New Moon from its sheath and lunges toward Marty] AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! DIE!! YOU ARE MEAT TO BE *WASTED*!!! AYOOOOOAAHH!! [The other wolfriders are close behind-- all ready for the kill-- even Leetah has a look of ravenous anger... Only Strongbow stays behind; arrow nocked and at the ready should the despicable human manage to escape from the mob alive...] [Quickly realizing things aren't going as well as he planned, Marty reaches into his pocket for his trusty Victorinox "Tinkerer" Swiss Army knife, and grabs an old weatherbeaten "Ohio -- US 40" highway sign from the back of the car; trembling, he tries to use the sign to protect himself from the bloodthirsty onslaught while nervously holding the knife outward in a pitiful attempt to save himself] [a brief scene of unspeakable violence follows...] [The Wolfriders now slowly back away from the blood-covered human body; we now get a close-up of Marty's face-- he is still alive, but just barely...] MARTY: *cough* *cough* what... do you... *cough* think... sirs? [Scene switches to what looks like an audio/video control booth; Wendy and Richard Pini are sitting at the console; both are wearing headsets] WENDY & RICHARD: [look at each other briefly, then turn back toward us, smile, and give an "OK" hand signal] "IT STINKS!!!" WENDY: [rather disgusted] Push the button, Richard... [Richard waves a finger in the air for a few seconds, then lets it come down on a random button on the console] \ | / [PWOOOSH!!!] -- o -- / | \ ["Love Theme" begins, credits roll] [Theme is interrupted by a familiar-sounding obnoxious voice] VO: You've been watching Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! Stay tuned for Full-Moons Night Howl, featuring musical guest Petalwing! Then, it's Two Dreamberry Minimum hosted by Pike! Here! At Comedy Open-Send! [theme continues to the end] A TWO CALORIE QUEST PRODUCTION "...now I really think they were right when they said we had forgotten what it really means to be elves." =========================================================================== Fun Legal Disclaimer Zone! this Bad Fanfic is Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. In this case, all flames will be cheerfully ignored. :-) Permission is granted to redistribute this article in any form, provided these notices are left intact, and no compensation is gained (not that anyone would actually *pay* money for this, but anyway...). Oh, and special permission is granted to Richard Pini, should he actually *want* to reprint any part of this article in any EQ letters page, but that's just wishful thinking on my part. :-) The preceding is a work of fiction involving characters, situations, and story elements which are the property of WaRP Graphics and Best Brains Inc. These companies are not responsible for the content of this article, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. Given the, uh, quality of this particular work of fiction, I don't think either company has anything to worry about though... This article was meant in the spirit of fun, and no offense is intended to the fine folks at WaRP, BBI, or fans of their products. If you think otherwise, then, obviously, you "should really just relax..."