MET \5670 Show \103 --Rev. 1.01 Originally posted on EQUEST-L on Jun 25, 1994 Well, since several people seemed to enjoy my initial two previous Mystery Elfquest Theater posts, it looks like I'm going to keep it going for a while yet. Thanks to you out there who responded! I was really expecting to get quite a few puckernuts thrown at me... :-) [oh, and to the person who asked, yes, this whole thing really is/was my own dumb idea... :-) However, I'm not entirely sure if that should really be a mark of "credit" or "blame..." :-) ] Today, I present the opening sketch to the 3rd episode (Show \103). Incidently, future episodes might not necessarily be presented "in order," but the next few probably will. To help keep things straight, I'll be tacking on the theme song and the like even if they happen to be the same as in previously posted episodes. [Oh, and I also fixed a little typo (the double "and") in the "Fire and Flight" theme song... *blush* ] Those of you not familliar with the MST3K television show should be less confused by this (and any future episodes) than in the previous ones, as I continue to try to transform what was intended as a one-off parody into something more lasting. These are actually rather fun to write-- but sometimes a bit more difficult than they look-- I just hope I can keep these things from getting stale... ["I'm not an author, but I play one on the Internet!"] Anyway, I hope at least some of you continue to find this series a little amusing, at least. :-) Again, send comments, questions, tomatoes, requests for previous episodes, etc. to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu Flames will be ignored, but stored somewhere to help heat my apartment next winter... Sweet 'n' Sour Water! --Marty --------------- cut here 8<------------------------------------------------- [header still-frame is shown, voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven-Eights, Show eight-eights and three, Reeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not-too-distant future, Next moon-cycle A.D., There was an elf named Cutter, Not too different from you or me. He and his Wolfrider tribe you see, Were creatures of the forest who lived in a tree-- They all led a hard life but kept a cheerful face, But the humans didn't like 'em so they set fire to the place! "We'll have to find a new Holt," "The safest we can find!" (la-la-la) Cutter led the tribe to Greymung the troll-- Would he help them out of their bind? (la-la-la) Now keep in mind the elves couldn't control Where the Tunnel of Golden Light would lead, (la-la-la) The hot desert sun was where they were left to die-- Would Sorrow's End be found despite the trolls' greed? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! (Blood of Ten Chiefs!) Clearbrook! (long braids!) Scouter! (keen peepers!) Redlance! (what a green thumb!) One-Eye! (not a pirate!) Skywise! (he's a dreamer!) Strongbow! (unmatched!) Rainsong! (life bringer!) Nightfall! (good hunting!) Treestump! (strongman!) Woodlock! (family elf!) Dewshine! (enthusiastic!) Moonshade! (deep tanning!) Piiiiiiiike! (get the dreamberries!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "It'll all come clear; This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; the pull back ends with the Wolfriders standing in front of the caves they're living in while with the Sun Folk.] CUTTER: Hello, and welcome again to Mystery Elfquest Theater. Uh, we don't really have a new Holt yet, but at least we're safe and well again, thanks to those Sun Folk elves! NIGHTFALL: Especially Leetah! CUTTER: [dreamilly] Yeessss... Leeetahhh... ["Sending star" symbol starts flashing in the lower left-hand corner of the scene] SKYWISE: Uh, Cutter... CUTTER: Hmmmmmm? SKYWISE: The Mads are sending to us again... CUTTER: Wha? [snaps out of trance] Oh! [slaps a nearby rock at random for no visibly obvious reason] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are both present. Frank looks rather sheepish and perhaps slightly embarrassed...] DR. C: Well, well, if it isn't Keen Kutter and his Ginzu Knife Set! Got pretty desperate yesterday, didn't you? No blood was spilled though, I see... Oh, well, there's always next time! [chuckles to himself] [expression changes to feigned concern] Ohhhh, and I see that Chief Veg-O-Matic himself has found his one true love! Gee, too bad she doesn't want you... I wonder why... [Dr. C starts giggling; Frank also joins in, but rather emptily-- he's obviously still worried about something...] [Scene switches back to cave scene...] CUTTER: [Cutter swiftly draws his sword-- he now has a look of barely- restrained anger on his face] Yeah? Well, I don't care *what* you think you have planned for us-- I *will* win Leetah's heart and soul! [The other Wolfriders look concerned and slightly afraid-- they cautiously approach Cutter, preparing to hold him back should he burst out in anger...] [a few seconds pass while Cutter calms down] [Suddenly, a mysterious voice is heard-- it doesn't sound like any elf the Wolfriders have met so far, but is obviously a female elf voice of some sort. The voice is somewhat stilted in character, and doesn't seem to originate from any specific source-- sort of omni-directional] [mystery voice]: Commercial Sign in five... four... three... two... one... Commercial Sign now. [scene abruptly changes to black, then to a set which looks like it consists of cheap styrofoam models of the Mother and Daughter moons set against a black background with white "stars" painted on it. The "moons" rotate and we can see lettering on the opposite sides. The Mother moon says "Mystery Elfquest Theater" on it, and the Daughter moon says "\5670" on it. While this is going on, a few bars of the theme music instrumental can be heard. This whole sequence only lasts a few seconds.] [scene then changes to black again, then quickly switches to something else-- this scene features several elves gaily gadding about, dancing, running, playing, and getting into silly mischief. It is daytime and everything is very (almost overly so) bright and cheery looking. The elves obviously don't belong to any tribe seen before-- they all have blond hair and light skin, though, and all seem to have perpetual smiles etched on their faces. Music and singing can be heard, but we don't see any particular source for the sound-- the elves do not appear to be singing or playing musical instruments. Also, the words to the song are sung in a slightly odd accent.] [start sequence] [music begins] Doooo-ooo-ooo-ooo Dooo-ooo Doo-ahhhh! It doesn't matter what comes, Dreams go better with life-- With berries fresh and full of life! Nothing gets to you, Staying fresh, staying cool, With berries fresh and full of life! Life goes better With dreamberries! Life goes better With berries fresh and full of life! [music ends] Berries. The Dream-maker! [end sequence] [scene goes black again for a second or two, then abruptly switches to yet another unfamiliar scene. This one consists mostly of rather strange and colorful abstract symbols which sort of shift around the scene at varying speeds and directions; the whole thing seems rather confusingly fast-paced overall. A voice-over can be heard-- however, some parts sound strangely distorted...] [voice over begins] T.K. Tee Vee--- I looooooooove this place! [skrrrrretch!] Do not adjust your Send. You are seeing double. For a limited time, get two flame-forged weapons for just one white-tail buck! Only from the Troll King! T.K. Tee Vee--- I looooooooove this place! [skrrrrretch!] [voice over ends] [scene goes black again for a few seconds. When it switches again, though, we are back at the cave scene with the Wolfriders. Everyone looks really confused-- most are staring bug-eyed and have their jaws dropped. No one says anything for several seconds...] CUTTER: [finally shaking off the confusion] *What*, in the name of Timmorn's blood, was *that*???? [scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. C is posed *exactly* like Cutter was in the previous scene. His eyes are wide open and his jaw has practically dropped to the floor. Frank now looks *really* nervous and embarrassed...] DR. C: [finally shaking off the confusion] *What*, in the name of the Firstcomers, was *that*???? [pause] Uh, wait. [to Frank] Oh, Frank? By any chance might *you* have had something to do with what just happened? Hmmmm? FRANK: [*very* embarrassed] Uh, well... uh... you see... I was... you know.. sort of... uh.. playing around... and I... was... um... sorta feeling sorry for... uh... Door... yeah... and so I... kinda... you know... sent her spirit out... so she... could be outside... and... well... she wanted to... uh... be with those... uh... wolf... guys... eh heh... eh... *ulp* DR. C: [feigned sympathy] Oh, gee, Frank, so you wanted to help Door. That was soooo kind of you... [expression suddenly changing to one of deep anger] Frank!!! How could you be so *stupid*?? Do you know what *she's* going to do to us if she finds out???!!! FRANK: [now very scared in addition to being very embarrassed] Uh, don't worry! She won't find out! I made sure she wouldn't! eh heh... DR. C: You'd *better* have!!... [voice trails off suddenly as if he just remembered something] And another thing!! Just *what* were those strange sending scenes about?? They sort of look like parts of those funny "television" sends we intercepted while monitoring the Earth-humans! What did you do??? FRANK: [still very embarrassed and rather frightened] Well, uh, you see... Door... uh... had been... you know... stuck in that one place so long... that she, uh, wanted to know how things were going in the, uh, outside world! So, I... uh... sorta... told her about those... uh... Wolfriders that we... uh... send the... experiments... to... and... I also... sorta showed her... some of those... you know... television stuff... with... the, um... Egg... thing... eh... Don't hurt! me... [Frank puts his hands up against his face and flinches back as if ready to block something-- Dr. C. looks like he is about to explode in rage] DR. C: [shouting] Why you! *idiot*! No one else is supposed to know-- I oughta... [voice trails off-- continues speaking in a calmer voice] Uh, by any chance, did the trolls give you anything for that commercial? FRANK: Uh, well, uh... no. DR. C: Alright. That does it. Ok, Frank. I think you know by now that you are in for some *real* pain this time. FRANK: *ulp* Yes, your evilness... DR. C: But, I'm feeling quite generous today, so I'll tell you what-- let's see what you've put together for your invention exchange project this week. If I like it, I'll let you off the hook this time. Maybe. If I don't, then... prepare for *deeeep hurting* Okay? [grins evilly at Frank] FRANK: [still really scared, but somewhat relieved] Uh, okay! DR. C: But first... I want you to return Door's spirit *back* to her body! And I think it goes without saying that there will be no more of these little acts of charity-- and no more "Commercial Signs!" That was about the *stupidest* thing I've seen you do-- and that says a *lot*! FRANK: Well, I'll *try* to get her spirit back... [Frank goes into a sort of trance for several seconds, then quickly snaps out of it] Uh, Doctor Claytimmain...? I, uh... well, she doesn't *want* to come back... You see..., I don't really have any control over... her spirit... anymore... once I've... sent it out-- she has to willingly come back by herself! DR. C: WhaaaAAAATT??!! [Frank cringes in fear] [scene switches back to Wolfriders] ["Door" voice]: Sorry, Frank, but I really couldn't go back to my body now-- not after finally getting a taste at life once again! Do not worry, though-- I'll not betray you or Dr. C-- I will continue to be unerring in my duties to my mistress by briefly rejoining with my body when she calls. Oh, and Dr. Claytimmain-- please don't be so hard on Frank-- the Commercial Sign was really my fault; perhaps I should not have actually done that-- it's just that I'm so... happy now-- and as you know, I've always been fond of little jokes like that... Also, do not be concerned about my being detected by others-- it appears that I can only speak within Frank's Sends. Thank you again, Frank-- I cannot express how grateful I am to you for giving me my freedom. [scene switches back to Deep E-a-F] [Dr C: is standing off to the side-- he looks like he's trying with great difficulty to hold back a violent attack on Frank; we can hear him softly counting in the background] DR. C: ...2.. FRANK: [red faced] Gee, thanks... Door! DR. C: ..3... [scene switches back to Wolfriders] ["Door" voice]: Please-- don't call me "Door." I *hate* that name, as you can well imagine. How about just calling me "Voice of Magic" instead? [scene switches back to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [continues to count quietly] ...6.. FRANK: [still red faced with embarrassment] Ok... Voice of Magic! DR. C: ..7....8 [now much calmer-- walks back towards Frank] Ahh... Ok, Frank, *if* I can draw your attention away from your little friend there, *and* all that blatant plot device exposition, why don't you go get your invention exchange... [yelling again] Now!! And it *better* be good, as you should *very* well know! [Frank quickly walks out of the scene; he looks scared but a little hopeful as well] DR. C: *sigh* While Frank is getting his invention, let me tell you a little bit about what we're up to. As you know, we've been keeping a close eye on those Earth-humans-- learning their language, their culture, and, in general, gathering information in order to gain wealth and power. We've been doing pretty well at trading our Elfquest comic books, but we still needed something more... then-- we found it! Merchandising! It seems that nothing becomes popular with humans unless they can buy its likeness on such things as clothing, toys, drinking mugs, and caps. Not only would such things make us sell more comic books, but we'd get even *more* from trading out the merchandise as well! Muhahahahahahahaha!!! However, instead of just offering the usual T-shirts and figurines, we wanted to come up with something more unique to trade. So, I've had Frank work on this little problem-- let's see if he's come up with anything worthwhile so far... [to somewhere out of the scene] Frank! Hurry up with your invention! FRANK: [quickly running into the scene] Ok! Got it! [to us] Well, I've got a couple of items here which I think could *really* make us rich! Ok, we know that because Earth-humans live such short lives, they like to keep track of time and plan what they do with it in advance. So, using that premise, I've come up with some Elfquest-related merchandise which I think they'll *really* go for! First, take a look at this! [Frank holds up an analog wristwatch] This is the Official Elfquest Wristwatch by Frank! DR. C: Ooh, now that doesn't sound too bad... Uh, let me get a closer look... [Frank holds the watch closer-- we see that the face of the watch has a picture of Cutter, Skywise, and Leetah on it-- much like the EQ 10th Anniversary design. There are markings around the circumference of the face at the 3, 6, 9, and 12 o'clock positions. However, the watch doesn't seem to have any hands-- there is a post in the center of the face, but there aren't any hands attached to it... ] DR. C: Uh, Frank... this wristwatch doesn't seem to have any means of indicating what time it is... Don't most Earth-human time-measuring devices have those little pointer-things on them? FRANK: Yes, but this watch is different! I call it the "Now of Wolf-thought" watch! Pretty neat, eh? DR. C: [obviously underwhelmed] Uh... yeah... sure... What's that other thing you have there? FRANK: [feeling a bit more confident] Oh, well, this is a related item which I call the Official Wolfrider Scheduler by Frank! [Frank holds up a leather-covered scheduler book; has a rather nice wolf-and-moon logo embossed on the front] DR. C: Oh, now that looks pretty good! Oh, uh, wait a minute... [DR. C's expression changes as realizes what this thing will probably be like] FRANK: Great, huh? Here's what it looks like inside! [Frank opens the book. Inside is but a single "calendar page", which instead of having a date printed at the top, merely has the word "Today" on it. There is also a pen held inside the book by a small leather loop.] Now, watch this! [Frank takes the pen from its holder and starts to scribble something on the sheet of paper; after a few seconds, the ink starts to fade and eventually disappears completely.] See? With the Wolfrider Scheduler, humans can plan their *whole life* with just one sheet of paper! Well, what do you think? DR. C: [definitely unimpressed] Um. Hmmm. [pause] So, Frank, you *really* felt sorry for Door, hmmm? FRANK: Oh, you bet. I'd *hate* to be trapped on some piece of rock-- unable to move or anything. That would really be terrible! DR. C: Yeah, I'll bet... Tell you what Frank, stand right over there-- [Frank moves over to the wall and stands against it-- he looks just a little worried] yes, that's it-- right there against the wall. Now a little bit to your left-- perfect! So, you want to know what I think? Hmmmm?? I'll *show* you what I think! [Dr. C shapes the rock of the wall Frank is standing next to; the rock slowly starts enveloping Frank-- Frank is really starting to get scared now-- eventually Frank is *completely* encased in the wall except for a small opening through which we can see his face] FRANK: [voice reflects some difficulty in talking; Frank apparently can't move his jaw very much...] Ahhhhh!!! Who are you to judge??? [suddenly much calmer voice] Oohhh. Boy, do I *itch* in here. [scene switches to Wolfriders/cave scene] [Pike and Skywise are giggling and laughing; most of the other Wolfriders look somewhat concerned, but most seem to be having difficulty suppressing a giggle or two...] VoM: [genuine sympathy] Ooooh... Poor Frank! SKYWISE: [giggling] You know, funny as that is, I'm sure glad that isn't *me* trapped in a rock! [giggle] [scene switches back to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [looks slightly startled] Well, what do you know! Looks like last week's invention is still working perfectly! [to Frank] Send 'em the experiment, Frank. FRANK: No way! Not while I'm still stuck in this rock! DR. C: Oh, gee, I'm sorry you feel that way... [DR. C starts to slowly re-shape the rock-- obviously he is constricting the hold on Frank even tighter...] FRANK: [very labored-- his pain is increasing and is having difficulty breathing] aahhhhHHHH!! Okay... *gasp* Okay... *gasp* Say, uh, when do I *gasp* get to come out of here, anyway? *gasp* DR. C: [Holds the "Official Elfquest Wristwatch by Frank" in front of Frank's face] Tell you what, I'm feeling really *good* right now, so what say I let you out when your watch says, oh, 8:30, Okay? [smiles evilly at Frank] FRANK: Oh, *gasp* that's very nice of-- [pause] Hey, *gasp* wait a minute... [scene switches to Wolfriders] [lots of buzzers, flashing colored lights, and everyone is running around like wild zwoots with their heads cut off, etc...] CUTTER: We got TwoMoons Sign! ...you know the rest!... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This fanfic Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. Please feel free to redistribute it on other forums, line bird cages with printed copies, etc. provided these notices are left intact, and no compensation is asked for or required by the redistributor. blah blah blah... The preceeding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements owned by WaRP Graphics and Best Brains Inc. No endorsement of this document by these two companies is expressed or implied. This is a work of parody and was written in the spirit of fun-- no disparagement is intended to either company or to any of their products. "Buy me! It's fun!" If WaRP Graphics actually *wants* to purchase the rights to the concepts for the "Official Elfquest Wristwatch by Frank" and the "Official Elfquest Scheduler by Frank" I will be happy to discuss terms with them, but, should that be the case, they should probably consider psychiatric counseling first... :-)