MET \5670 Show \104 --Rev. 1.01 Originally posted on EQUEST-L on Jul 12, 1994 Hello! Here comes another load o' puckernuts from Marty! Today, it's the fourth MET \5670 posting, featuring the opening sketch for Show \104. You will notice that this one is much shorter than the previous sketch, and, frankly, I don't think it's quite of the same, ah, "quality" as the previous one either, but, oh well; I think the next one will make up for it... Comments are welcome, and in fact, encouraged, especially in that everyone seemed so deathly silent about the *last* one... :-) Thanks to all you EQ fans out there with a sense of humor-- I'm rather amazed I haven't received any flames even with the warnings against them. (whoops! Big jinx there!) Still, I think I'll keep my asbestos underwear on for these posts... :-) You can private-send comments/questions/requests for previous MET postings to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu See you in N factorial! --Marty (the MARTYr of oPINIon??) --------------------- cut here 8<--------------------------------------- [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights and four, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not-too-distant future, Next moon-cycle A.D., There was an elf named Cutter, Not too different from you or me. He and his Wolfrider tribe you see, Were creatures of the forest who lived in a tree-- They all led a hard life but kept a cheerful face, But the humans didn't like 'em so they set fire to the place! "We'll have to find a new Holt," "The safest we can find!" (la-la-la) Cutter led the tribe to Greymung the troll-- Would he help them out of their bind? (la-la-la) Now keep in mind the elves couldn't control Where the Tunnel of Golden Light would lead, (la-la-la) The hot desert sun was where they were left to die-- Would Sorrow's End be found despite the trolls' greed? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! (Blood of Ten Chiefs!) Clearbrook! (long braids!) Scouter! (keen peepers!) Redlance! (what a green thumb!) One-Eye! (not a pirate!) Skywise! (he's a dreamer!) Strongbow! (unmatched!) Rainsong! (life bringer!) Nightfall! (good hunting!) Treestump! (strongman!) Woodlock! (family elf!) Dewshine! (enthusiastic!) Moonshade! (deep tanning!) Piiiiiiiike! (get the dreamberries!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "It'll all come clear; This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; the pull back ends with the Cutter and Rayek on the Bridge of Destiny. Rayek's fingertips are all that prevent him from falling to his death. Cutter is struggling against his fear of heights to rescue his fellow elf. The other Wolfriders and Sun Villagers are watching from one end of the Bridge.] SKYWISE: C'mon, Cutter! You can do it! CUTTER: [very strained] Unnnng... just a little... closer... Rayek! H-here! Grab my hand! [a familiar sending-star symbol starts flashing in the lower left-hand corner of the scene] CUTTER: [sees flashing symbol; becomes rather angry] Oh, come *on*! I'm right in the middle of facing my greatest fear, and *now* look what happens! [Cutter slaps a random spot on the Bridge of Destiny for no immediately obvious reason.] [scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five. Open-Sending's Frank is still trapped in the wall-- with only a small opening through which we can see his face. Dr. Claytimmain is not visible in the scene.] FRANK: [hoarse whisper] Hi guys! Uh, sorry about the bad timing of this call, but I wanted to send to you before Dr. Claytimmain got here... You see, he *still* won't let me out of this rock, and I was wondering if you might be able to help convince him to let me out of here. [scene switches back to Bridge of Destiny] CUTTER: Well, I don't know what we could do, really... but sure, I *guess* we could help... VoM: [concerned] Ooooh... I'll do whatever I can, Frank! RAYEK: Hey! C'mon Cutter! I need help *too* y'know! CUTTER: Oh, just bury it, Rayek-- can't you see the Mad High Ones are sending to us?? RAYEK: [grumbles to himself] $#@%&@! I wish my magic was strong enough so that I could just float *myself* up... [more grumbling] [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: Well, thanks guys! I really appreciate it-- [approaching footsteps can be heard] Oops, here he comes now... DR. C: [entering scene] Well, Frank, it's time to call the lab rats-- we need to get today's experiment going if we're going to meet that publishing deadline! FRANK: OK, Dr. C... By the way, uh, are you going to let me out of here anytime soon? It's really getting uncomfortable in here! It's all hot and it hurts and stuff... DR. C: Well, let me check... [pulls a watch out of his pocket (the Official Elfquest Wristwatch by Frank) and looks at it] Hmm... well, it still isn't anywhere *near* 8:30 yet, Frank-- I guess you'll just have to stay there between a rock and a hard place! *giggle* FRANK: Oh, c'mon, Doctor-- this isn't funny anymore! Look, if you don't let me out, I won't be able to create any more of those inventions! DR. C: [sarcastic] Oooohhh, well, *that* would be a big loss! FRANK: Well, uh, if you don't let me out, I'll let *her* know about our plans! DR. C: Oh, like you'd *really* do that, Frank... You know full well we'd *both* be worse than dead if *that* happened... FRANK: Well, I'll bet she'll become suspicious if she doesn't see me around for too much longer! DR. C: *yawn* Don't worry Frank; I've got my bases covered... No, I'm afraid you'll be a Prudential spokeself for quite some time to come. "Have a piece of the Rock!" *giggle* FRANK: Oh, c'mon, look-- If you don't let-- *??* Hey, what's going on?? [Suddenly, the rock around Frank starts becoming fluidic-- soon, all the rock around Frank has shifted enough so that Frank can free himself. After Frank cautiously steps out of the wall, the rock flows back to re-form the original, unblemished wall and hardens again. Dr. C looks quite surprised...] FRANK: Hey, thanks, Doctor! I *knew* you'd see things my way! DR. C: "See" nothing-- *I* didn't set you free-- how did that happen anyway?? [switch to Bridge of Destiny scene] VoM: Hee hee hee! Thanks, Brace! [Everyone starts smiling and laughing... except Rayek, of course...] RAYEK: C'mon! I can't hold on much longer! CUTTER: [ignoring Rayek] So, what's your latest invention designed to make our lives more miserable *this* time? [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [looks startled] Uh, Hmm... Yes! Umm... just *wait* till you see it! We've got a *great* one this week! [private Send, to Frank] **Frank! I forgot all about the invention this week-- uh, by any chance did you have another of your merchandising ideas ready that you didn't use last time??** FRANK: [private Send, to Dr. C] **well, actually, I *do* have one more ready to show... but you've got to promise *not* to punish me if you don't like it!** DR. C: [private Send, to Frank] **Ok, Ok, I promise... just get it! Now!!** [resumes normal scene-speaking; Frank runs out of scene to get his invention] Well, uh, I was going to show you something else that's *really* neat and evil, but Frank was just telling me about this great thing he came up with, and so I thought I'd be nice for a change and let him show his invention instead. [scene switches to Bridge of Destiny] SKYWISE: [giggling] You *forgot* yours, didn't you? [scene switches back to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [angrily] Shut up, Astro-boy! I did *not* forget! NARRATOR: "In sending, there is only truth..." DR. C: *sigh* Ok, Ok, Wendy, I get the point... Ok, *yes* I *forgot*! Are you *happy* now?? [a few seconds pass while Dr. C calms down] Anyway, Frank will present another one of his Elfquest merchandising ideas. I only hope it's better than those things he showed *last* time... [to somewhere out of the scene] Frank! Hurry up already! [Frank runs into the scene-- he is wearing a white chef's hat and apron; he is also holding a spatula in one hand, and a cookbook in the other hand] FRANK: [rather cheerful and excited] Ok! I'm all set! Now, strange as these Earth-humans are, they do share one interest with all of us-- food! And, since many of them are constantly looking for new ways of *preparing* food, I've come up with... _The Official Elfquest Wolfrider Cookbook_-- "Compiled and Edited by Frank!" [Frank holds the cookbook up so all can get a better look at it. It is plastic-spiral bound, with a cover made of light cardstock. The cover features a rather mediocre drawing of Cutter and his "original" group of Wolfriders standing in a modern Earth-human kitchen-- Cutter is standing in front of a stove wearing an apron and is facing the reader; we can see New Moon lying on a cutting board where apparently he had been using it to chop some vegetables. Nightfall is mixing something in a bowl. Redlance is taking a loaf of bread out of an oven. Skywise is holding a measuring cup and is taking a carton of milk out of a refrigerator. Pike has a box of dog biscuits and is eating them; a few of the wolves are standing around him snarling. Everyone else is engaged in some other cooking or eating activity.] DR. C: [considering] Well, Frank, that's being a *little* original, at least... Hmm... [starting to look more positive] and besides, those Earth-humans already seem to have formed some association between elves and baked-goods anyway... Hmm... Might work... Let me take a look at some of those recipes-- this could be good! FRANK: [beaming with pride] Gee, thanks! [Frank hands the book to Dr. C] DR. C: [flipping through the book] Oh, wait-- I see you haven't finished it yet-- I guess you didn't have time before you were trapped in the wall. FRANK: What do you mean? DR. C: Well, you know... all the pages being blank and all. Don't worry-- the basic idea sounds pretty good, so I don't mind that fact that you haven't gotten around to filling in the actual recipes. FRANK: [less confidently] Uh, well, uh... it *is* done! That's the way it's *supposed* to be! DR. C: Huh...? [the light suddenly dawns] Oh. wait... I *think* I understand now... FRANK: [now a little nervous] eh, heh... you see, uh, the Wolfriders don't... actually... *cook*... their food... so that's... why there aren't any... recipes... eh heh... DR. C: [surprisingly calm] Yes, well, I sorta figured that... Uh, Frank? After today's experiment, how'd you like a little cooking lesson? I know some humans who'd *really* enjoy having you for dinner! FRANK: [excited] Oh boy! DR. C: Yes. Well, why don't you just send the experiment now, and we'll have you cooking in no time! FRANK: Wow! Great! Thanks, Steve! [Frank goes into a state of intense concentration] [scene switches to Bridge of Destiny] [lots of buzzers, flashing lights, etc. Everyone except Cutter and Rayek are running around wildly (including Savah, Sun-Toucher, Leetah, and the rest of the Sun Villagers)...] SAVAH: I feel the presence of... TwoMoons Sign!? RAYEK: [yelling] COME *ON* CUTTER!!! CUTTER: Ok, *OK*! H-Here! Grab my hand! [Rayek grabs hold of Cutter's hand; Cutter slowly and carefully tries to pull Rayek up.] TREESTUMP: [to no one in particular] One wrong move-- and they'll both fall!! CUTTER: Come on... *unh* You've almost got it! [Cutter finally manages to get Rayek safely back onto the Bridge] SKYWISE: [exclaiming] He *did* it!! Cutter saved him!! LEETAH: [quietly] Praise the High Ones! RAYEK: [black Sending to Cutter] **YOU!!** CUTTER: [flinching backwards in pain] Owww! I guess I *deserved* that, actually... ...you know the rest! ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670-- Show \105: We close out the "Fire and Flight" prologue to the Quest with a special musical celebration! Don't! Miss it if you can! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to wrap fish in, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics and Best Brains Inc. Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. All blame/credit for Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights should be directed at me (Marty Kuhn), though even I will concede that (as some readers should have noticed) the idea of Pike eating a box of dog biscuits *does* have a precedent, and so *that* specifically wasn't really my idea... :-) Many of those self-same readers might feel like pointing out that historically, there *have* been some Wolfriders who did some cooking, but let's just ignore that for now, 'kay? :-) If you want pick nits, I think the idea that Brace would be able to help Frank is on pretty shaky ground... Good thing it looks like my comedic license hasn't been revoked yet! :-) Elfin clothing by: Fashions by Moonshade, Ltd. Should WaRP Graphics be seriously interested in the rights to print _The Official Elfquest Wolfrider Cookbook_ "Compiled and Edited by Frank," someone probably needs some professional help...