MET \5670 Show \105 --Rev. 1.01 Originally posted on EQUEST-L on Jul 29, 1994 Hello! Time once again for some more of Marty's delicious Potted Meat Product full of half-baked goodness! Mmmmmmm-hmmm! :-) Today's Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven-Eights presentation consists of both the opening sketch *and* the ending sketch for Show \105. Hope some of you out there find these things at least moderately amusing; it's just my quirky way of contributing a little something to the Wide World of Elfquest, as it were... Send comments, commas, question marks, questions, Quests, Plymouth Voyagers, and re-quests for previous episodes to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu See you in pi*(r^2) ! --Marty ================ cut here 8<========================================= [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights and five, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not-too-distant future, Next moon-cycle A.D., There was an elf named Cutter, Not too different from you or me. He and his Wolfrider tribe you see, Were creatures of the forest who lived in a tree-- They all led a hard life but kept a cheerful face, But the humans didn't like 'em so they set fire to the place! "We'll have to find a new Holt," "The safest we can find!" (la-la-la) Cutter led the tribe to Greymung the troll-- Would he help them out of their bind? (la-la-la) Now keep in mind the elves couldn't control Where the Tunnel of Golden Light would lead, (la-la-la) The hot desert sun was where they were left to die-- Would Sorrow's End be found despite the trolls' greed? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! (Blood of Ten Chiefs!) Clearbrook! (long braids!) Scouter! (keen peepers!) Redlance! (what a green thumb!) One-Eye! (not a pirate!) Skywise! (he's a dreamer!) Strongbow! (unmatched!) Rainsong! (life bringer!) Nightfall! (good hunting!) Treestump! (strongman!) Woodlock! (family elf!) Dewshine! (enthusiastic!) Moonshade! (deep tanning!) Piiiiiiiike! (get the dreamberries!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "It'll all come clear; This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with the Wolfriders gathered together in the Sun Village. It is daytime and there seems to be a lot of activity going on. Cutter is standing in front of the group, but he looks a little ill or something...] CUTTER: [rather deadpan] Hello. Welcome once again to Mystery Elfquest Theater... As you know, I won the Challenge yesterday, but I still... [looking strained] don't... have... Leetah... [Cutter looks like he's about to collapse-- Skywise and Nightfall look concerned-- they ready themselves to catch Cutter should he fall over.] [the familiar sending-star shape starts flashing in the corner of the scene...] SKYWISE: Hey, Cutter! The "time of death-sleep" twins are calling! [Cutter isn't really responding] Here, *I'll* get it. [Skywise slaps the ground at random for no immediately obvious reason.] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five. Dr. Claytimmain and Open-Sending's Frank are both visible. Frank is seated at a table in the background-- there is a lot of paper strewn about and there is a big box of crayons on the table. The sheets of paper appear to have pen-and-inked line drawings on them-- Frank is ham-fistedly trying to color the line drawings with the crayons. He doesn't appear to be doing very well...] DR. C: [grinning evilly] Wellll, how's our little Re-cog-nit-wit doing? Hmmmm? [feigned sympathy] Awwwwww... Looks like Leetah actually has some taste after all! heh heh! FRANK: [looks up from the table; it appears that he feels a little sorry for Cutter] Gee... I hope *I* never have to go through Recognition! DR. C: That's right, Frank!-- [face changes expression suddenly as if he just realized something] Er... [scene switches back to Sun Village; Cutter is still on the verge of collapse] SKYWISE: [looking at Cutter] This really isn't right! Leetah has *got* to give in! REDLANCE: Well, there's nothing *we* can do about it, Skywise-- we'll just have to wait for Leetah to understand... You know, though, the Sun Village is so *different* from our old Holt-- boy, I sure do miss all those big trees and plants-- all the green growing things! [a glimmer appears in his eyes as he waxes nostalgic about his old home...] [quietly] Maybe I *will* be able to do something about *that*, at least... [Nightfall looks towards Redlance with a certain pride and longing.] [Scene changes to Deep E-a-F; Dr. C and Frank exchange knowing glances at each other] DR. C: Yes! Well! Anyway, on to the invention exchange! But first, a few words about today's experiment! You see, Frank and I will be taking a little vacation... FRANK: [very excited] We are?? Where? Oh boy! Where are we going? Anything to get out of *here* for a while! DR. C: [to Frank] We aren't going *anywhere*, Crayola-head! Unless *you'd* like a permanent tour of the bottom of Vastdeep Water! [to the Wolfriders] *ahem* We're just taking a little break, that's all-- just to enjoy the fruits of our labor! [evil laugh] Anyway, we'll be off for, oh, say, seven turns of the seasons-- just a breeze through our hair, as it were. During that time, you flea-circus side-shows will just have to be on your own, I guess... [scene switches to Sun Village; everyone seems quite pleased with this bit of news-- the Wolfriders are smiling, howling, dancing around with joy, etc.] SKYWISE: Ayoooooooaaah! Wow! seven whole turns without these experiments! Thank the High Ones! --er, yes! Thanks Dr. Claytimmain and Frank! [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Ohhh, you're *quite* welcome, Star-crossed! Just think of it as the calm before the storm, 'kay? [evil smile] Anyway, enough of this good cheer-- it's time for our invention exchange! Today, we present yet another way for us to continue to gain wealth even when we're not performing new experiments to write about! At first, we only looked at merchandising options-- but, as you know, no thanks to *Frank*, we *still* don't have a unique new product to offer. That's when I realized that there's another way to go about this problem-- instead of coming up with something brand *new*, wouldn't it be great if we could just get everyone who has *already* bought our comic books buy *another* copy of them! Better yet-- how about finding a way that they'll even spend *more* on the second copy than the first one! But why should the humans want to do *that*... hmmm... Then--- aha! I got it! So... for the first time anywhere, I bring you... The Elfquest Graphic Novel-- Book 1! [Dr. C holds up a paperback copy of the Donning/Starblaze Elfquest Book 1] [scene switches to Sun Village-- everyone looks rather uninterested, or at most, slightly perplexed] SKYWISE: Uh... so? I guess I don't understand... Is this something like those, uh, "kah-mihk bookz" you've been writing? [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Yeeeeess, and in fact, it is *exactly* like the comic books, except-- [holds the book up and opens it to a random page] see? all we're doing is reprinting our original comic books, but adding color! Even those who already have all 4 of the comic books we've done so far-- plus buy the one based on today's experiment-- will want to buy this as well! Not only will this Graphic Novel cost more than the sum of the five comic books it is based on, but we'll even offer a "special limited edition" version of the same thing which the humans will pay even *more* money for!! Mwahahahaha!! [scene switches to Sun Village] SKYWISE: [not really all that interested] Oh. Uh, is that what Frank is doing? Coloring in pages for your new "gra-fik noh-vehl?" [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: No, of course not! I got someone with *talent* to do *that!* No, *Frank* is working on a slightly different, but very much related, project. You see, after I worked out the plans for the basic Graphic Novel idea, I was thinking-- if I can get Earth-humans to buy *two* different versions of the same thing, why not *three* or *four* or perhaps even *more*??? Ha ha ha! Right now, we're still working on this idea, but one *other* thing we're trying to do is interest a large Earth-human comic book publisher in eventually re-printing our original comic books-- as comic books-- but in color. By doing this, we hope to brainwa-- er, *interest* more humans in your little adventures, and therefore be able to sell even *more* Graphic Novels and the like! Heh heh heh! Unfortunately, the coloring we used for the Graphic Novel didn't, uh, meet the *usual* standards of that publisher's work. So, I've asked Frank here to help out with this, uh, situation. FRANK: [still working feverishly at coloring in the pages] Hey! Dr. Claytimmain! I used up the 'raw sienna' crayon! I'll need another one to finish coloring these Sun Villagers! DR. C: *sigh* Oh, just use some other color for now; I don't think they'll care about that; I doubt they'll even notice anyway-- and hurry up! We've got to get those demo pages to the Miracle Ipecac Comics people soon! FRANK: [picking up another crayon] Okay! Okay! I'm coloring as fast as I can-- this is harder to do than it looks, y'know! DR. C: [to the Wolfriders] Anyway, I think you'll all be pleased with the outcome of today's experiment! Even *you*, Cutter! [scene switches to Sun Village] CUTTER: [looking more positive now] Really? SKYWISE: [a little skeptical] A *pleasant* experiment? Uh, not that I *mind*, but why? [scene switches back to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [grinning evilly] Oh... just think of it as a little "going away" present from us to you! FRANK: Well... eh heh... it's really because we wouldn't want to leave you with a lot of remaining loose plot points to try to resolve on *your own* while we're away... DR. C: *sigh* Frank, did you *really* need to tell them that?? Hmmmm?? Well, it doesn't really matter-- just send 'em the experiment... [Frank goes into a state of intense concentration] [scene switches to Sun Village] SKYWISE: Uh, what's a "ploht poynt?" [lots of mysterious buzzers and flashing lights start going off; everyone starts running around like scared treewees] CUTTER: Just forget it, Skywise-- we've got TwoMoons Sign!! ...you know the rest! ========================================================================= Show \105: Closing Sketch ========================================================================= [Everyone is gathered around the dreamberry bush that Redlance grew to celebrate Cutter and Leetah's Recognition] CUTTER: Say! After all those dreamberries, I really feel like dancing! LEETAH: [surprised] Again? Wow, and so *soon* too! [Off in the background, an unnamed female Sun Villager sitting next to Skywise (apparently one of Skywise's new lovemates) starts whispering something in Skywise's ear-- Skywise reacts by looking surprised and pointing to Leetah; the Sun Villager nods her head 'yes'] CUTTER: No, I mean-- c'mon everyone! Let's all celebrate by singing The Recognition Song! ALL: [exclaiming cheerfully] Yea! Ayoooah! Alright! [Some of the Sun Villagers gather together and ready their musical instruments. The rest of the elves arrange themselves in a circle ready to begin the great dance which will accompany the song. This song is sung to a tune which may be familiar to some of us Earth-humans as the "Punctuation" song from _The_Electric_Company_ television show. It has a sort of Latin "cha-cha" beat-- very upbeat and cheerful. ] [music starts up; everyone dances together in a large group] ALL: Rec-ognition! Rec! Rec! Rec! Rec-ognition! It is that little force with a big influence-- To help a mating make moooore sense! [Cutter separates himself from the rest of the group] CUTTER: Now one day you might just find a big surprise, Should you see that soul meets soul when eyes meet eyes! If this ev-er happens to you, you'll know, my friend-- That your life of privacy comes to an end! [music stops] CUTTER: [to Leetah] I know you. [*donk*] [music starts up again; Cutter re-joins the group] ALL: Rec-ognition! Rec! Rec! Rec! Rec-ognition! It is that little force with a big influence-- To help a mating make moooore sense! [Leetah separates herself from the rest of the group] LEETAH: Avoiding Recognition just won't do-- It's a drive you can't escape-- you know it's true! Should you resist the duty that to which you're bound, It will increase its pull until you come around! [music stops] LEETAH: [to Cutter] Do you know me? [*screeeeedle*] [music starts up again; Leetah re-joins the group] ALL: Rec-ognition! Rec! Rec! Rec! Rec-ognition! It is that little force with a big influence-- To help a mating make moooore sense! [Cutter and Leetah separate themselves from the rest of the group and stay together] CUTTER & LEETAH: Once you allow the guiding force to take control, You will find that your two hearts become one soul! But even as the night turns into dawn-- Love will endure when this passion has gone! [music stops] CUTTER & LEETAH: We know each other! [*blang!*] [music starts up again; Cutter and Leetah remain dancing together] ALL: Rec-ognition! Rec! Rec! Rec! Rec-ognition! It is that little force with a big influence-- To help a mating make moooore sense! So if you want to be a breeding sensation, You've got to fol-low Rec---ognition! [music winds up and ends-- Cutter and Leetah are in the foreground each with one arm around the other, and the other arm outstretched toward us-- everyone else is gathered around behind Cutter and Leetah and have their arms raised up in the air. Everyone remains still for a few seconds after the music ends] CUTTER: [as the group breaks up] *whew!* What do you think sirs? [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C & FRANK: [smile and make "OK" hand gestures] It stinks!!!! DR. C: "Two hearts become one soul" indeed! In *your* case, it should be more like "Hartz Two-in-One *flea collar*!" heh heh heh! FRANK: Oh! You mean the kind that repels both fleas and ticks for up to two months, and has a reflective coating to make your pet more visible at night? DR. C: [getting a little exasperated] *sigh* Frank? Here, let me see those crayons a moment-- [Frank hands the box of crayons to Dr. C ] [quietly, to himself] Hmm... well, it says "non-toxic" on the box, so that means they're not poisonous to humans... I wonder what would... Hmm. I wonder if... Nahh, he wouldn't be *that* stup-- [very cheerfully to Frank] Say, Frank, I've heard that these crayons are *delicious*! Here, try some! FRANK: [taking a handful of crayons and eating them] Oh boy! These are *great*! Thanks Steve! DR. C: [trying to suppress a giggle] Think nothing of it, Frank! FRANK: [still eating crayons] Y'know, these things are just terrif-- Hmm, that's odd... DR. C: Hmmm? What? FRANK: ["spaced out" voice] Wow! look at all the colors! Swirling... Swirling... Brilliant Colors! Ohhhhh Wooooowww! Peter Max? Is that you? [the sending-scene is starting to ripple and dissolve as Frank loses control of the scene...] DR. C: [to himself; sarcastic] Oh, *great*! [to Frank] Just go push the button, Timothy! FRANK: ["spaced out" voice] I *am* the button! DR. C: Whatever. *sigh* Just end the Send, OK? [to the Wolfriders] Sorry to have to leave you like this, but *oh well*-- See you later! Don't forget to write! *giggle* FRANK: [still "spaced out" voice] Watch out for snakes! [Frank waves his hand in the air with a flourish and lets his finger come down on top of his head] | /|\ ---o--- PWOOOSH! \|/ | FRANK: [over the now-dark scene] Ohhhhh Wowwwwww! Pretty! DR. C: [heavy sigh] ["Love Theme" starts, credits roll] Mystery Elfquest Theater \5670 featuring the mad high-ones dr. claytimmain Dr. Claytimmain open sending's frank Open Sending's Frank the wolfriders and sun villagers cutter Cutter skywise Skywise redlance Redlance leetah Leetah and also voice of magic Door all other characters are played by themselves written by Dr Claytimmain Open-Sending's Frank with the cooperation of Marty Kuhn editing Marty Kuhn lighting The Daystar dance choreography Leetah Nightfall special thanks to Elizabeth McCoy send fan club inquiries to: Club Mystery Elfquest Theater P.O.'ed Box \15 Blue Mountain, WOTM "Let's! Club Mystery Elfquest Theater!" keep circulating the files ["Love Theme" ends] *twang* A TWO CALORIE QUEST PRODUCTION "Say! After all those dreamberries, I really feel like dancing!" ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \106: It's been seven turns of the seasons since the Mads last contacted the Wolfriders for an experiment... What could happen in Deep Eight-and-Five in the meantime? Perhaps *nothing*, but tune in anyway and find out! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. This is Marty's fanfic. [singing] "With apostrophe- s, you don't haaaaave to guess-- you know it belongs to me!" :-) Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to wrap fish in, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics (Elfquest) and Best Brains Inc. (Mystery Science Theater 3000) Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. "Elfquest is best! Buy some today!" _The_Electric_Company_ and "The Punctuation Song" (or whatever the real title to that song is) are property of the Children's Television Workshop. Now, if only someone could tell me *why* I happen to still remember the "Punctuation Song," including the original lyrics... A special credit to Elizabeth McCoy for her observation upon which the joke about incorrectly-colored Sun Villagers in a certain publisher's reprinting of EQ was based... :-) Also, if a few lines from "The Recognition Song" seemed familiar, well, there's reason(s) for that... :-)