MET \5670 Show \107 --Rev 1.01 Originally posted on EQUEST-L on Sept 10, 1994 *thwock* ! Well, the ol' notch on the tree says it's time once again for another episode of that seemingly *interminable* fanfic series which can't even seem to take *itself* seriously-- _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_! Today, marking the seventh episode, brings us to Show \107. What a big surprise, eh? :-) Actually, for that matter, there really aren't *any* big surprises in this show, [as usual... :-) ] but, then, I guess that's sort of a (lowercase) matter of opinion... As always, comments are greatly appreciated... it's always nice to know there's an audience, even if all they do is throw over-ripe puckernuts at the stage... :-) You can send comments, requests for previous episodes, other EQ chit-chat, or whatever to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu See you in 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971 693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066 470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303 819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543 266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678 925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173 819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733 624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748 184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249 534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747 713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026 425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473 035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130019 278766111959092164201989380952572010654858632788659361533818279682303019520353 018529689957736225994138912788659361533818279682303019520353018529689957736225 994138912497217752834791315155748572424541506959508295331168617278558890750983 817546374649393192550604009277016711390098488240128583616035637076601047101819 429555961989467678374494482553797747268471040475346462080466842590694912933136 770289891521047521620569660240580381501935112533824300355876402474964732639141 992726042699227967823547816360093417216412199245863150302861829745557067498385 054945885869269956909272107975093029553211653449872027559602364806654991198818 347977535663698074265425278625518184175746728909777727938000816470600161452491 921732172147723501414419735685481613611573525521334757418494684385233239073941 433345477624168625189835694855620992192221842725502542568876717904946016534668 049886272327917860857843838279679766814541009538837863609506800642251252051173 929848960841284886269456042419652850222106611863067442786220391949450471237137 8696095636437191728746776465757396241389086583264599581339047802759009 ! (approximately) --Marty =============================== cut here 8<================================ [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights and seven, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with Cutter and Skywise surveying the burned-out remains of the forest] SKYWISE: Those crazy humans! I can't even hate them for doing this! How could they-- how could *anyone* know that the fire would destroy *everything*! [A very familiar sending-star symbol starts flashing in the lower left-hand corner of the scene...] CUTTER: [rolling his eyes back] I think *I* know how someone could know-- Looks like "cookfire" and his pal, "little star cousin" are calling right now, as a matter of fact... [Cutter taps a charred tree stump with his hand for no obvious reason; bits of the tree stump crumble and roll to the ground] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are both visible. Frank is wearing a yellow hardhat; there is what appears to be a short segment of a steel I-beam secured horizontally on the top of the hardhat. Frank is walking towards us as if he was just now entering the scene area.] DR. C: Why, hello there, Cutter and Key Grip! [feigned sympathy] Ohhhh, what's this? You two seem to be *burned up* about something! *chuckle* What are you standing around for, anyway? Waiting for Smokey the Treewee to run up and say "Only *you* can prevent forest fires!" or something? *chuckle* [turns towards Frank; Dr. C appears startled by the hardhat with the I-beam stuck to it] Frank?! What is *that* supposed to be?? FRANK: [happy and a little excited] Oh this? [points to the hardhat on his head] It's just a sort of visual aid for presenting my new invention! DR. C: [thinks a minute] Er, wait-- I know what it is-- not *that* stupid thing! Forget it-- you *know* I already told you that was a dumb idea-- just skip it! FRANK: Oh, c'mon! ...Well, I guess it *does* need some work-- but I don't suppose *you* have an invention this time?? DR. C: Well, no... But that's not the point! FRANK: Well-- if *you* aren't going to present an invention, why can't I do mine?? Pleeeeeeeze?? DR. C: *sigh* OK, ok-- whatever-- it's *your* self-esteem, just go and embarrass yourself in front of everyone-- go right ahead. [to Cutter and Skywise] So, *sigh* here's Frank with another one of his ...merchandising ...inventions... Remember-- I hold no responsibility for what you are about to witness here! Ok, Frank, go ahead... FRANK: [really excited] OK! Now, we get lots of fan letters which are forwarded to us from our publishing contacts on Earth. One thing the humans seem to really like about you guys is your relationships with your wolf-friends! So, to help the humans get closer to *their* near-wolf pals, I've come up with Official Elfquest Wolf-Bond by Frank! [Frank holds up a small plastic pen-shaped vial] Since we don't have any wolves or near- wolves around here, I'm going to demonstrate my invention using this artificial near-wolf replica... [Frank picks up a plush toy from somewhere out of the sending-scene and places it on the table next to him; the plush toy has very thick pink fur, and only rather vaguely resembles a dog; it almost looks more like just a cute bundle of pink fuzz...] Now watch! [Frank opens the vial and puts a drop of the "Wolf-Bond" liquid on his hand; he then lovingly puts his hand on the plush toy as if to pet it] See? That's all you need to do! Now just wait a few seconds, and viola! [Frank starts to raise his hands in a flourish, but one hand seems to be stuck to the plush toy...] Uh oh. DR. C: [a bit angry and disgusted] *sigh* See? I *told* you! That *isn't* what the Wolfriders mean by "bonding" with their wolves! Now get that stupid... *thing* off your hand! FRANK: Well... I *can't*... [lightly tugging on the plush toy with his other hand] It's a permanent bond! DR. C: [getting exasperated] Oh, just gimmie that-- [grabs the plush toy and tries to yank it off of Frank's hand; he doesn't seem to be having any success though] FRANK: NO!!! Not my new wolf friend Nummy-Muffin-Coocol-Runner!! [Frank pulls the plush toy back towards him with his other hand] DR. C: [ceasing his pull on the plush toy] "Nummy-Muffin-Coo..." ?? [Scene switches to the burned-out Holt; Cutter and Skywise are laughing uproariously] SKYWISE: Ha ha ha hahahahahaa Geeeee... Nummy-Muffin *giggle* Coocol- Runner!! Hahahaha ha ha!! CUTTER: Ha ha hee hee hee! So, Frank! Would you and your "wolf friend" like to join our next Howl? Ha ha ha ha! VOICE OF MAGIC: Oh, come on, let's not embarrass Frank too much-- though... *giggle* it is rather *giggle* funny-- ha ha hee hee hee! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; A slightly damaged plush toy is sitting on the table; Frank is staring at his hand which now just has bits of pink fuzz stuck to it-- he looks rather shocked; Dr. C is wiping pink fuzz off his knife...] DR. C: [re-sheathing his knife] There, Frank! Isn't that better? FRANK: [shock now turning into anger] You... hurt my wolf friend! DR. C: *sigh* Look, Frank, it was just a toy doll! It wasn't a *real* wolf! I only cut its *fur* anyway! FRANK: [really angry] YOU HURT NUMMY-MUFFIN-COOCOL-RUNNER!!! [Frank reaches for his knife-- well, it's not much, but it's all he's got-- and points it threateningly toward Dr. C] DR. C: [rather calmly] Okay, *that's* enough fun for today... [he moves one of his feet closer to where Frank is standing; Dr. C appears to be concentrating on the floor where Frank's feet are; the rock in that area starts to liquify and re-form itself around Frank's feet, whereupon it hardens again, trapping Frank in place] FRANK: What...? Hey!! [tries to free his feet, but to no avail] DR. C: *sigh* [apologetic; to Cutter and Skywise] Well, sorry you had to see that stupid invention of Frank's-- I told him what would happen! [Frank is still visibly struggling to free himself] [Scene switches to the burned out Holt-- Cutter and Skywise are still laughing] SKYWISE: Ha haha ha! *gasp* hee hee! *wheeze* *gasp* Oh, *I* certainly didn't mind! hee hee! That was about the funniest thing since that time Pike-- *gasp* hee hee hee! CUTTER: Hee hee! Yeah! *wheeze* Thanks, Frank! ha ha hee!! *gasp* *wheeze* Ahhhhhhh... C'mon, Skywise, we've got to snap out of this or we won't be in any shape to continue our Quest! *giggle* SKYWISE: *giggle* Yeah, I guess you're right, at that... [to Dr. C] Say, that reminds me-- what was all that about last time you called-- you two seemed to be really worried about something... What happened? [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Hmm? Oh, *that*! Yes, well, we *did* have a little technical difficulty, but we've taken care of that-- FRANK: [rather angry] What do you mean *we*?? *I'm* the one who had to go "out" and distract *her*-- and it *wasn't* fun-- let me tell you! DR. C: [grinning] Well, Frank, it's just that you can do that so much *better* than *I* can! I'm not the sending "star" around here! [to Cutter and Skywise] Anyway, everything should be running as planned now, or at least provided that your dear "Mother of Memory" doesn't get curious again-- we've got *enough* problems to worry about here without having to deal with innocent bystanders getting caught! [Scene switches to the remains of the Holt of Love] CUTTER: Savah? Why? Is she in trouble? [getting angry; reaching for New Moon] If you two do anything to harm her, I'll-- VoM: Now, calm down, Cutter-- I *think* I know what the Mad High Ones are talking about here-- I don't think either of them are the one who Savah would have to be concerned about... Don't worry, Cutter-- this isn't something you could do anything about, and I'm sure Frank and Dr. Claytimmain can handle it... I hope... [scene switches to Deep E-a-F...] DR. C: Well... *ahem* enough of that-- [evil cheeriness] Well, Cutter and Skywise? Any ideas of what's going to happen to you two on this Quest? Any questions or comments so far? [smirky grin] Hmmmmmm?? [scene switches to the old Holt] SKYWISE: Funny you should mention that... One thing we were wondering about was what happened to the trolls... CUTTER: Yeah, we figure that we'll be seeing them again sometime soon, and since I'm sure you don't plan for anything *nice* to happen to us when we find them, we decided to script our *own* idea of what would happen when we see Picknose and friends again! [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: *yawn* Oh, that's nice. Though I didn't realize you two had the imagination for that sort of thing-- Too bad we won't have to-- er, *get* to witness the... undoubtedly wonderful... event you had planned... [Frank suddenly stops pulling at his feet as if just realizing something] [scene switches to the ex-Holt] VoM: Well, actually-- we *can* take a look at it! Just a quick moment while I get it all assembled together... SKYWISE: You see, Voice of Magic helped us out planning this scene and recorded it for us! VoM: Ah! here we go! What-if Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... What-if Sign now. [Scene changes to a sort of a featureless, swirling cloudy image which gradually forms into the image of an underground cavern. Picknose, Old Maggoty, and a few of Picknose's friends are visible. Lots of (rather un-troll-like) colorful banners and candle-lit decorations abound-- very reminiscent of Sun Village festivals. Some moderately loud percussion-heavy music can be heard in the background. A slight haze continues throughout the scene to lend a sort of dream-like quality to the image.] PICKNOSE: [sort of a gruff "old buddy" voice] Hi there Cutter! Glad you two could join us! MAGGOTY: Here! Have some dreamberries! I've planted dreamberry bushes all over-- now there's more than enough for elf and troll alike! [Maggoty offers Cutter and Skywise a *huge* basket full of dreamberries] PICKNOSE: Hey, sorry 'bout that "Tunnel of Golden Light" thing-- but, hey, you know how 'ol Greymung is-- it was death or *worse* to defy him! Oh, and how'd you guys manage to survive through that anyway? Er, -ah, what does it matter-- we trolls mind our own business... always have! Say, just to show there's no hard feelings, here's something for you! [Picknose hands Cutter a large metal key] CUTTER: [studying the key; apparently checking to see if it's some kind of weapon] Uh, thanks... but what is it? [in the background, Skywise can be seen rapidly consuming dreamberries from the basket; Old Maggoty chuckles] PICKNOSE: Why, it's the key to our troll tunnels! You can use this key to get into our tunnels anytime you want to! Now you won't have to bang on the door to get inside next time you need our help! Need metals or food? Just come right in and take all you want! Our home is your home from now on... so to speak! CUTTER: I... didn't *know*-- that *trolls* could be kind...! By the way, what's a "key"...? [Skywise has a sort of intoxicated grin as he continues to gulp down dreamberries in the background] [the scene breaks up into a swirl of color once again, and then re-forms back into the scene with Cutter and Skywise in the burned-out ruins of the old Holt] SKYWISE: Too bad *that's* not going to happen... *sigh* VoM: What do you think, sirs? [scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. Claytimmain has a rather disgusted, sour face; Frank just looks sort of nervous] DR. C: Ugh... that's about the most sickeningly sweet clump of bird droppings I've ever seen! [evil grin] Oddly, though, your little concept piece wasn't really that far off the mark! Well, sort of... [evil chuckle] Enjoy the dreamberries while they last! [to Frank] Say, Frank... FRANK: [somewhat nervous] Hey, I didn't have *anything* to do wi-- DR. C: [seems to be genuinely apologetic] No, Frank; it's not that-- I just wanted to apologize for hurting your Nummy-Muf-- your wolf friend... Here, let me just free your feet from the floor... [Dr. C re-shapes the rock floor so that Frank can get free, then restores the floor to its original shape] FRANK: Gee, thanks! I'm really sorry I pulled my knife at you... DR. C: There, there, Frank-- no hard feelings. And look! Here's your wolf friend back, good as new! [Dr. C hands Frank the (somewhat repaired) plush toy-- however, it obviously has now been liberally coated with "Wolf-Bond" everywhere except where Dr. C is holding it] FRANK: Wow! [to the plush toy] C'mere, Nummy-Muffin-Coocol-Runner! I'll never leave you now! [Frank hugs the plush toy tightly and rests his head against it; "Wolf-Bond" fluid is practically dripping from Frank's hands and the plush toy] DR. C: Oh, I'm *sure* you won't, Frank... not *now*, anyway... *snicker* Just send 'em the experiment, OK? FRANK: [still very happy] Ok, Dr. C! [Frank tries to tilt his head upright, but can't; Frank suddenly looks a bit concerned] Uh oh... [Scene switches to the old Holt] SKYWISE: Y'know, sometimes I've really got to *wonder* about those two... Are *all* the High Ones going to be like them?? CUTTER: *shudder* [A few seconds pass in silence; then suddenly lights flash, buzzers buzz, etc., etc...] CUTTER: We've got TwoMoons Sign!! [Cutter and Skywise start running around in random circles for no apparent reason] ...you know the rest! ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \110 Eight is a special number... In the Mad High Ones' case, it's also the number on a billiard ball! And they're behind it! Whether they're sunk, or just scratched, it could be more than just another day on the World-pool table! Well, maybe... Be sure to miss this special(?) episode sub-titled: "This means... WaR?!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to house-train your near-wolf, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics (Elfquest) and Best Brains, Inc. (Mystery Science Theater 3000) Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. "Elfquest tastes better-- it's got more cheddar!" [though this *fanfic* is more likely to be "the cheeziest"... :-) ] A MET \5670 Report Card: [no, nobody sent this in... :-) ] Overall Writing Quality C Character Development C Plot Development D Continuity C Planning C- Dramatic Impact D Humor ? Yes, MET \5670 has the "Pair o' D's" Seal of Approval! "Official Elfquest Wolf-Bond by Frank" (wolf friend not included) is not currently available in stores, and probably *shouldn't* be... :-) The author accepts no responsibility for injuries resulting from using said "Wolf-Bond" or any other adhesive product (including, but not limited to, products featuring hardhats and I-beams in promotional advertising) in any manner inconsistent (or consistent) with their labeling. :-)