MET \5670 Show \110 --Rev 1.01 Originally posted on EQUEST-L on Oct 1, 1994 "In a moment, Mystery Elfquest Theater; but first--" Eight is a special number. If you are a computer (a digital one anyway), or some characters in a cheezy fanfic, eight is the base of all your counting. [Well, some power of 2, at least, in the case of the computer. Most of them, anyway. :-) ] Which might lead one to believe that elves would be natural computer programmers, but doesn't seem to have much other significance in this context. But whether you be a computer, or human, or elf, nobody really knew exactly *why* the original Elfquest saga grew from two-eights (well, two-eights minus one) to two-tens issues in size. Until now... :-) And now, it's time for: _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_! Show \110: "This Means... WaR?! (Part 1)" Hello, and welcome to yet another exasperating episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater! From the curious sub-title, you might be able to guess that that today's episode is a bit long on plot. Which it is. Though, as a result, perhaps a *bit* short on comedy. Actually, you'll notice this episode is just plain *long* as far as that goes... :-) In any case, you may note a rather hefty amount of what appears to be *ahem* rather blatant plot exposition-- some of which will turn out to have some relevance later on, and some, well, *won't*. :-) Just think of it as some added-value character-building or something... Or just chalk it up to my less-than-stellar writing skills... :-) In either case, I hope this episode will be found reasonably entertaining all the same. In the past, this fanfic series has sort of darted around after the canon, but *this* time, it grabs the wolf friend by the fur and hangs on for the ride! :-) Let's just hope it doesn't *kill* it in the process, though... ;-) Today's episode starts with a brief opening sketch, but then continues in what marks the first non-"sketch" appearances of the Mad High Ones as we get a behind-the-scenes look at some events which will have a rather pivotal role as far as their plans are concerned. To quote the (in)famous film, _Plan 9 From Outer Space_, "Can you prove that it *didn't* happen?" :-) [and, like _Plan 9 From Outer Space_, you probably can...] As always, you can send comments, questions, complaints, large quantities of currency (small, unmarked bills preferred), moldy old puckernuts, and requests for previous episodes to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu OK! Enough with the drawn-out (and somewhat self-serving) introduction already! Let's get on with it! See you in rand() ! --Marty =========================== cut here 8<==================================== [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights and eight, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with Cutter and Skywise riding the no-humps they caught with the troll shackles some time before] SKYWISE: We've been heading this way for almost *three* moons, Cutter. And *still* no forest in sight! CUTTER: Yeah-- and notice that the Mad High Ones haven't called us for all that time either-- It's not like them to leave us *alone* like that for so long without telling us... Sorta odd, isn't it? [A very familiar flashing sending-star appears in the lower left-hand corner of the scene...] CUTTER: Well, speak of Timmorn's hairballs-- look who's calling! [Cutter slaps the side of his no-hump with his hand; the no-hump turns its head around and looks at Cutter quizzically.] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are both visible. Dr. Claytimmain looks uncharacteristically bright and cheery today.] DR. C: Well! Greetings to you, Cutter! And you too, Deep Woods Off! *chuckle* [Scene switches to Cutter and Skywise] SKYWISE: [grumbling] Too bad there really *aren't* any deep woods around here... [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [cheerful grin] Ah, don't worry! I think you'll be in for a *treat* not too long from now! As you might be able to tell, I'm in a really good mood today-- I mean, look! Everything is running as planned once again-- no more incidents with *her*-- and guess what! This is our *eighth* experiment! And, since there's going to be eight-and-seven Elfquest comic book issues in all, you know what that means? FRANK: Uh... we have seven more to go? DR. C: No! ...er, *yes*, actually, but what I *meant* was that with this experiment, we are at and past the halfway mark! Just think of what we can do when this little Quest-thing is over! FRANK: Yeah! We can finally get that fedora-shaper... oh, what's that elf's name... to make us some new headpieces or something! [takes the hat off his head and points to it] I mean, these feather hats just don't *wear* very well, and that headband-- DR. C: See Frank? Even *your* stupid remarks can't faze me today! And, I'm in such a good mood, I'm even going to let you present another one of your *dumb* merchandising inventions without complaint! FRANK: Actually, I thought it was because *your* invention wouldn't be ready until next time... again... DR. C: [still smiling, but definitely starting to wear thin] Well, there *is* that too... Just go-- show your invention, OK, Frank? FRANK: Okay... [Frank walks over to the microcomputer; next to the computer is a *very* flimsy instruction manual-- Frank picks up the manual, removes a 5.25" minidiskette from it, and holds them both up where we can see them] Now, today's invention is not only a good merchandising tie-in, but it's *also* a useful product which I think will revolutionize the fledgling computer software industry on the Earth world! It's called _Wolf-Writer_, "The Official Elfquest Word Processor-- Written by Frank!" You see, Earth-humans really like all the things these new "home computers" can do, but are quite often frustrated by the difficulty in using them to do simple tasks. Word processing programs can be especially challenging for novice users, what with all the options and capabilities which the humans must select while writing. _Wolf-Writer_ doesn't have *any* features or capabilities, so it's a cinch to use! [Frank inserts the _Wolf-Writer_ diskette into the diskette drive and closes the drive door] Here, let me show it to you! [Frank reaches behind the computer to switch it on; we hear the soft "click" noise of the switch, but nothing else happens.] Hey... That's odd... there doesn't seem to be any power...! DR. C: No power...? [Dr. C walks over to a large metal cabinet sunk flush into one wall of the room and checks some indicator meters on the cabinet] Hmm... must be really dark and cloudy outside... Hey! The storage batteries are all exhausted! How is *that* possible..? er... Say, Frank, uh, might *you* have any idea how this might have happened? Hmmmm?? FRANK: Well, I *did* leave a nite-light running last night... DR. C: Hmm... *that* wouldn't have used up all the power-- FRANK: ...while I spent the entire night watching my _Speed Racer_ and _Johnny Quest_ tapes... DR. C: [yelling] You spent the *entire night* watching video sends?! And what were you watching?? *Speed Racer*??? Now *there's* about the stupidest show-- it doesn't even look much better than that ridiculous "Video Comic Book" of yours! [imitating Speed's voice] "I think I got 'em all now!" Sheesh! And *Johnny Quest*?? What a *great* show that is-- I think the only reason they had that episode with the invisible monster was just to save money on animation... Anyway, just *great* Frank-- thanks to *you*, we'll have to wait 'till the sun comes back out before we'll have any electrical power around here! [Dr. C stops and turns toward us; evidently he's just realized that he *was* in a *good* mood] *ahem* No, Frank-- even *that* isn't going to get me out of my good mood today! [scene switches to Cutter and Skywise] SKYWISE: [scratching his head] Say, what's all this about "elektrihcul powehr" or whatever? [scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [caught off guard] Oh. Yes. Well, actually, that's a bit complicated to explain-- it's what "lightning" is, except the Earth- humans have learned how to harness it to power all *sorts* of machines-- like all these devices we have around here! We get our power from special panels outside which convert the sunlight shining on them into electricity-- this power is then stored in these black boxes called "batteries" or something. Anyway, I don't quite understand how it all works, but those Earth-humans come up with all *kinds* of strange magic! FRANK: Yeah! And they said we couldn't *have* electricity on our world! DR. C: [to Frank] Well, what does that *Richard* human know, anyway... [to Cutter and Skywise] Well, I know you two are all excited about continuing on with your "quest," so, I think we'll just end our little chit-chat and let you get on with it! Sound good? FRANK: But what am I going to do about the invention exchange...? DR. C: [somewhat exasperated] Oh, just skip it this time-- I think I have a *pretty* good idea about what your little _Wolf-Writer_ thing is going to be like... *ahem*. Anyway, just forget it. FRANK: I guess I *could* show you my new "Inflatable Nightfall" instead-- DR. C: *FRANK*!! FRANK: --with "Realistic High-Pitched Bloodsong"-- DR. C: *No*! That *won't* be necessary! Just forget it, Okay? [to Cutter and Skywise] Anyway, as for you two "brothers of soul"-- have fun riding off into the sun-goes-down! FRANK: Watch out for snakes! DR. C: Yes! and... [suddenly looks puzzled] ??? Frank, uh, just what *is* it with you and "watch out for snakes?" What? Is that supposed to be a veiled reference to something...? FRANK: Hmm? I don't know; I really hadn't thought much about it... I don't know why I keep saying that-- it just *sounds* good, I guess... [Scene switches to Cutter and Skywise; they both look sort of puzzled and confused. They just look at each other and shrug, and then suddenly lots of mysterious but increasingly-familiar flashing lights, buzzers, etc. start going off...] CUTTER: We've got Two Moons Sign!! [Cutter and Skywise urge their steeds forward as they and the wolf friends rapidly weave towards the sunset...] ...you know the rest! [scene goes to black for a few seconds, then, in a single spotlight, we see a small figure standing on an otherwise empty stage. He speaks:] Er, wait... Well, actually, you *do* know what's going to happen to Cutter and Skywise, but that's only because you've only seen the re-telling of the events *after* they occurred. As it turns out, the Mad High Ones' plans were actually quite a bit different from what really took place. Now, then, let's take a look behind the scenes from the point of view of the Mad High Ones while they monitor the goings-on of Cutter and Skywise; some days have passed since the Mads last contacted the two Wolfriders, and everything is running quite normally as the Mad High Ones check in to see how their little "experiment" is going. Let's watch... [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F. Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are watching the action unfold through the ever-changing pattern of colors and images on the Pini Predestinator symbol loop. We can't really tell exactly *what* they are looking at; to us, it just looks like a lot of random lines and swirling colors] FRANK: Look! The Wolfriders have entered the forest! DR. C: Yeah, yeah, well. We'll let them have their fun for a while, then it's off to the "Forbidden Grove" and on to the frozen mountains! heh heh heh! [rubs hands in evil glee] Palace, here we come!! FRANK: [pointing to something] Awwww, look at Cutter! He's going to rescue that cute little squirrel from drowning in the water! DR. C: [sarcastic] Wonderful. FRANK: [a few moments pass; Frank suddenly looks surprised] Ooooh! That little squirrel *bit* Cutter on the hand! DR. C: Really? Heh heh. [cheerfully] Oh, well, a little extra pain never hurt anyone, I guess! [Scene goes blank for a few seconds to indicate the passage of time; when the scene comes back, only Frank is watching the symbol loop] FRANK: Dr. Claytimmain...? Uh, I think that squirrel bite might have actually been *serious*! Cutter doesn't look good *at all*! DR. C: You're actually sitting around *watching* that stuff now? What happened to our Space Invaders tournament?? How bad could a squirrel bite *be* anyway! Here, let me look! [Dr. C focuses on the symbol loop; suddenly looks a bit concerned] Ooooooh...! Oh, just *great*! Cutter's having *fever dreams*! You know what *that* means, Frank?! FRANK: [somewhat nervously] That Cutter... *ulp* might... actually... *die*?! DR. C: Not only *that*, but can you imagine what the readers will *do* if the series ends with Cutter dying from a *squirrel bite*?! We'll never be able to sell comic books on their world again! If Cutter *dies*, there won't *be* any more "Elfquest!" FRANK: [concerned] Well, *I* just don't want to see Cutter *die*! I kinda *like* that little guy... I mean, heck, *I* could just write the rest of the Elfquest story *myself*, if *that* was the only problem... DR. C: [rolling his eyes back] Oh, I can just *imagine* that... No, we're just going to have to make sure Cutter lives! Uh, what's going on now? FRANK: Looks like Skywise is going off to find some "whistling leaves" for Cutter... DR. C: Good. Now, see if you can make sure Skywise *finds* some, while I keep an eye on Cutter... [Scene goes blank for a few seconds to indicate another time lapse] DR. C: Frank? Cutter's fever dream is getting worse! *Now* he thinks he's back in the Sun Village! Any luck with the leaves? FRANK: Well, the closest whistling leaves I can find are still pretty far away; I've "suggested" to Skywise what direction to go, but he won't get to them for a little while yet... DR. C: Hmm... If he doesn't find them in ti-- Hey, look! That figure that Cutter thinks is Leetah! Doesn't she look familiar? FRANK: [studying the symbol patterns more carefully] Say, isn't that Nonna? The one who used to be the symbol-maker of that human tribe that worships us and stuff? *chuckle* Remember that time she did that portrait of us, and you kept making that "V" sign with your hand behind my head? That was *so* funny! DR. C: Yeah, that's Nonna all right-- y'know, perhaps she can help Cutter; we know she likes elves anyway... I wonder why she left the Hoan G'tay Sho-- or whatever they called themselves? FRANK: Well, what *I* heard was that she went off with some guy from *another* tribe! DR. C: Really? I heard she died after she was chained to her symbol-wall and paint-pots for too long or something... Hmm. [suddenly realizing something] Wait a minute-- I think we could be in big trouble here! FRANK: Why? Nonna's nice-- she's not going to hurt Cutter! DR. C: That's just it-- she *knows* about us, and she *knows* about Blue Mountain! --and she *likes* us "bird spirits"! FRANK: So? She'll just be all the more likely to help Cutter get well! DR. C: ...*And* tell Cutter all about Blue Mountain and the "bird spirits" who live there! The way Nonna will blab about this place, Cutter won't be able to *resist* coming here! FRANK: [very excited] Cutter? Skywise? *Here*?? Wow, that would be soooo *neat*! I've always wanted to meet those wolf-guys! DR. C: [calmly] You've always wanted to meet them? I see. Now, uh, if they came to Blue Mountain, who *else* would they get to meet? Hmmm? FRANK: [thinking; counting the names on his fingers as he speaks] Well, let's see... there's Door... DR. C: ...yes... FRANK: ...and Brace... and Aroree.... DR. C: ...yes... keep going... FRANK: ...and Kureel.... oh, and Lord Voll... and Wi-- [long pause] uh oh. DR. C: *Now* do you see the problem?? If *she* gets involved, who knows *what* could happen?? We'll lose control of the whole thing!! But that's not the worst of it-- what if those idiot Wolfriders happen to *tell* her about our little experiments? We'd be in more bird droppings than Tenspan after eating too much grain-stalk for breakfast! FRANK: [making a face] Eewww! DR. C: So, what we've got to do is make sure Nonna doesn't tell Cutter and Skywise *anything* that might encourage them to come here! Let's see what's going on with them now... [studying the symbol loop] Oooh... Cutter's trying to *fight* Nonna! Interesting... [points to something] Say, who's *that*? FRANK: Oh, that's probably the human Nonna went away with-- sounds like he's called "Odor" or "Ador" or something... DR. C: I *think* it's supposed to be "Adar." [pause] Then again, maybe it *is* "Odor..." Never did understand that human-speak very well... Anyway, at least *he* probably hasn't been living around elves before this... FRANK: Looks like they've got Cutter calmed down, though. Oh! and Skywise finally got near to where the whistling leaves are! Lemme just give him a little "hint"... [Scene switches to Skywise running towards a patch of "whistling leaves" in a forest bog] SKYWISE: [reaching out to pick some leaves] High Ones *bless* you little breeze! [Scene switches back to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Good! Did he find them? FRANK: Yep! I just suggested a little whistling sound to him-- he's got 'em! DR. C: Let's just hope he gets to Nonna and Adar's cave in time... FRANK: Y'know, looking at Nonna and Adar standing there together-- don't they kinda look like those two Earth-humans we got to do the artwork and publishing and stuff? DR. C: Hey, yeah... they *do* look a lot like Windy-- er, Wendy and Richard, don't they? Hmm... Say, Frank? FRANK: What? DR. C: Wouldn't it be funny if there were two humans on *Earth* who looked and acted sort of like *us*? [Dr. C and Frank look at each other inquiringly, then, in unison, they push their hands away in disgust while grunting "Eeeeehhh! Eeehhh! Eeeeehhhhh. Eehh. Ehhh..."] DR. C: *ahem* Well, anyway, what we *need* is a plan to keep Nonna quiet about Blue Mountain-- and we need it *before* Cutter wakes up or Skywise returns with the leaves! And since she's *human*, you won't be able to just "suggest" that she not say anything about us. Any ideas? FRANK: [thinking] Welll... Hmm. DR. C: C'mon! There's got to be *something* we can do! FRANK: Well, later I could just "suggest" to Cutter that Nonna isn't telling the truth about Blue Mountain... DR. C: Hmm... [thinks a moment] No, that's not it-- we don't want Cutter and Skywise to actually *distrust* Nonna and Adar; whether we like it or not, Cutter's going to need Nonna's help to get well-- at least for a while-- and for that to happen, he's going to have to *trust* her! Besides, Cutter's got too much innate curiosity to let something like *that* stop him-- just the mere possibility that there might be other elves in some place called "Blue Mountain" would be enough to get him running off there! [to himself] Hmmm... strange that I never really considered that as a potential *problem*... hmm... FRANK: Wait! I know! I'll bet Door can help us! As Voice of Magic, she could tell Nonna about how there's this *curse* or something on Blue Mountain, and so she shouldn't tell any other "bird spirits" about Blue Mountain! DR. C: [considering] Well, I guess it's worth a shot... Not exactly far from the *truth*, as far as that goes... FRANK: Great! I'll "go out" to her now and see what she thinks! [Frank goes into a trance-like state] [Scene switches to a white-on-black representation of Frank "going out" to find the spirit of the female Door, otherwise known as "Voice of Magic" to the Wolfriders. It seems that Door's spirit has been silently watching over Cutter and Skywise.] FRANK: **Voice of Magic! It's me, Frank! We've uh, got a little problem that we need your help with...!** VoM: **Frank! It's you! I'm so glad you came by-- you think *you've* got problems?? Cutter really looks as if he's about to die...! Why did you two *do* that??** FRANK: **No! That wasn't our fault! Really! It was an accident! In fact, that's part of what we're trying to fix right now-- Skywise is on his way with some "whistling leaves!" Once Cutter gets those and has a chance to rest, he should be just fine.** VoM: **Well, it was a good thing that friendly human woman was around to help... I think her name is "Nonna" or something...** FRANK: **Right, that's Nonna-- oh, wait-- you don't know who she is, I guess; she was the symbol-maker for the Hoan G'tay Sho human tribe!** VoM: **Really? Well, I suppose that explains why she seems to care so much about elves... Gee, I guess spending thousands of years sitting in the same place all the time, you sort of miss out on things... Well, anyway, what's the big problem?** FRANK: **Nonna *knows* about Blue Mountain and we figure that once Cutter is well, she's going to tell Cutter all about it! And if Cutter *goes* to Blue Mountain, then...** VoM: **...Then the "black snake" will be in charge... Oooh. That *would* be bad! She isn't too fond of "mixed blood" elves as it is-- and even Cutter wouldn't stand much chance against her! And what if they tell... her... about what you, and Dr Claytimmain, and, well, *I* for that matter-- are doing, then... Ugh. I wish I could think of something I could *do* to prevent it...** FRANK: **Well, I was thinking that you might just try to convince Nonna that it wouldn't be such a good idea to tell other "spirit-folk" about Blue Mountain or something; you wouldn't have to *scare* her-- she'll recognize you as a "bird-spirit" and she'll believe anything you say!** VoM: **Frank? uh, that's a nice idea, but aren't you forgetting something? I can only "send speak"-- I don't actually have a physical presence out here!** FRANK: [somewhat embarrassed] **Oh. Yeah. That's right. Now what?** VoM: **Sorry, Frank, I don't know-- I guess we'll just have to see what Nonna actually *does* tell them about Blue Mountain... There's really no way for me to communicate with humans out here...** FRANK: **Oh. [somewhat embarrassed] Well, I, guess this visit was sort of a waste, I guess...** VoM: **No, Frank-- actually, I really am glad you stopped by! I don't get company very often, you know... Well, anyway, I'll let you get back-- if I think of something, I'll try and let you know!** FRANK: **Thanks, Voice of Magic!** [The spirits of Frank and VoM part company, and Frank rejoins his body back in Deep Eight-and-Five, and we continue with the scene there] DR. C: [excited] So, how'd it go?? FRANK: Sorry, Dr. Claytimmain, I forgot-- Voice of Magic can't really speak; she can only *appear* to inside a send... DR. C: Oh, that's *right*! Er, gee, I would think *you* would have remembered that-- FRANK: [quickly] So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens... maybe Nonna won't tell Cutter and Skywise anything about Blue Mountain anyway!! [Scene goes blank briefly to indicate another passage of time] DR. C: Look! It's Nonna! She's telling Cutter and Skywise about Blue Mountain!! Oh, *great*! *Now* she's even told them what *direction* it's in! FRANK: [startled; as if touched by an unseen force] Oooh... what was that? DR. C: What? FRANK: Something just *touched* me! [speech slows down as Frank develops a feeling of dread] Like the fluttering... of a moth's... wing... *ulp* uh oh. Uh, Dr. Claytimmain...? I think... uh, we're... in... even... more trouble... DR. C: Why?? What?? FRANK: [getting upset] It's *her* again! She's got Savah! Oh, Savah, why did you have to go back "out?" Why? *Why*?? WHY?? DR. C: Well, don't just *be* there, Frank; *do* something! FRANK: I don't think I *can* this time! She's got too strong a hold on Savah! If I tried to rescue Savah *now*, I'd have to expose myself to [whisper] the "black snake's" [back to normal voice] full power! And even if I didn't lose, she'd probably be able to learn everything that's going on here... [suddenly startled once again] Er, eh-- could you excuse me a moment? I think I can at least save *Suntop* before it's too late. Gee, that little child sure is *brave*...! [Frank goes into a trance-like state for a moment, while Dr C. looks on with nervous anticipation] Whew! That wasn't so bad-- at least I could guide him away before I was sensed by ol' "black send!" Savah, on the other hand... [rather disappointed] not much I can do about *that* right now... DR. C: [really upset and desperate] Alright, *that's* it-- we're just going to have to take the bird by the beak and *do* something-- for better or worse! We've just *got* to make sure Cutter and Skywise don't come here to Blue Mountain! FRANK: But isn't it too late...? Nonna already told them where it is... well, *sort of*... DR. C: [very desperate] Maybe it *is* too late, but we've just got to try *something*! There's still a lot of important details that Nonna hasn't mentioned yet, and we can still prevent Nonna and Adar from escorting Cutter and Skywise here themselves! If we make sure Cutter and Skywise are left *alone* with this problem, perhaps they'll screw it up on their own! In any case, at least we'll have another chance to steer them away later on! As for what to *do* about Nonna and Adar-- since we obviously can't talk it out with them, we're just going to have to kill them, that's all. FRANK: Yeah! [sudden shock] ??? Er, *what*?? *Kill* them?? I don't like *that*! DR. C: Frank, they're only *humans*! They're going to die soon enough anyway, so who *cares* if they're just going to be early by a few eights of years! If we *don't* get rid of them, *we're* going to be in more trouble than any *human* could possibly dream! And now that Cutter is recovering, there isn't any other need for us to keep them around! FRANK: Well, I *still* don't really like the idea of *killing*, but, I guess we have to do *something*... So, how do you want to do it? Skywise almost killed them when he found those two with Cutter in the first place-- it might not take much encouragement to get him to kill them for us... DR. C: Well, actually, I gave that some thought earlier, and I decided that we'd better not let Skywise kill them after all. Partly because he might louse everything up even more than it is, but *mostly* because Cutter *trusts* those two humans now-- if Skywise killed them, Cutter would get really upset, and Skywise might not *ever* live it down. Much as I enjoy making others feel bad, we really need to have the Wolfriders continue to feel optimistic if we're going to get this story back on track! FRANK: Well, then, what are we gonna do? DR. C: [rather pleased, if in a rather evil sort of way...] Don't worry-- I've already figured it out! Remember that "hittle launcher" we picked up from the Earth-humans a while back? FRANK: Oh yeah-- and boy, *that* was almost as big a pain to assemble as that *helicopter* is getting to be-- if we ever get all the *parts* for it, that is... Oh, by the way, I think those things are called "missiles"... DR. C: *Miss*iles?? Hmm. I don't think I'll *ever* understand those human languages... Anyway, I never figured that thing would come in *so* handy! [looking back at symbol loop] Look, Frank! Cutter and Skywise are going off alone to hunt! [rubbing hands with evil glee] Here's our chance! [Dr. C quickly leads Frank over to a blank wall in another part of the room. Dr. C shapes the wall, causing a thin slice of the wall surface to "peel" back, thus revealing a large, really complex-looking control panel with lots of switches, dials, and flashing lights on it, along with a big green "radar screen"-looking thing. Lots of little beeping sounds can be heard, and for some reason the room has suddenly become darkened, now lit only by a small red "dark adaption"-style light. Anyway, the whole thing looks like it came from an Earth-human war film or something... ] DR. C: [apparently studying the radar screen; how that specifically relates to what he is talking about is unclear, though] Okay-- let me just set these aiming controls-- [Dr. C adjusts some of the dials on the console and flips a few switches] Alright... Let's see... Looks like Cutter and Skywise are far enough away from the target zone now... Frank! Arm the missile! FRANK: [Frank somewhat reluctantly flips a series of switches on the panel] Missile armed! DR. C: [beeping noises are getting faster] Okay... looks like Nonna and Adar are out in the open! Frank! Fire the missile! [Frank moves his finger toward a big red button on the console, but stops right before pressing it; Dr. C quickly notices this] DR. C: C'mon-- push the button, Frank! Er, wait-- *I'll* get it! [Dr. C reaches over and presses the "launch" button himself] There! [the beeping noises get even faster, and the light in the room suddenly becomes even dimmer for an instant] [Scene switches to somewhere near the top of Blue Mountain; a small part of the mountain side is hinged upward, revealing a missile launcher. With a loud roar, the missile suddenly takes off, leaving a trail of smoke behind it.] [Scene switches to a tight close-up of Dr. C and Frank watching the radar screen; their faces are illuminated solely by the green phosphor of the screen. Dr. C has a big evil grin-- Frank looks a bit more deadpan, but even he seems to be hopeful that the missile will reach its intended target...] [Scene switches to a point-of-view shot from the missile's perspective-- we see the World of Two Moon's landscape rapidly zoom by far below. The loud roar of the missile can be plainly heard.] [Scene switches to the same close-up of Dr. C and Frank-- Both are intently watching the radar screen with great anticipation and excitement.] [Scene switches to Nonna and Adar; they are in front of their cave, sitting at a fire. A roaring noise starts to be heard-- faint at first, it becomes louder and louder-- Nonna and Adar turn around to face the source of the noise; Adar rises to his feet and points to somewhere in the sky; Both start to look fearful as they (apparently) follow the path of the missile with their eyes. Nonna and Adar start to run back to the cave as the area becomes illuminated by a bright yellow light-- but then they turn back around towards the light, squinting and shading their eyes with their hands. We see them, standing like that and facing us, when suddenly-- ....ffffffFFFFFFSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *BOOOOOOOMMM*!!!! --Nonna and Adar are vaporized in a bright flash of light! As the smoke clears, all that can be seen is a charred and blackened crater where Nonna and Adar once stood; there is soot everywhere, and bits and pieces of plants and trees are falling about-- many still in flames...] ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \111: Wow!! Is the missile *really* more powerful than the canon? Keep watching the skies for a different bomb altogether-- "This Means... WaR?! (Part 2)!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fanfic Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies as fire starters, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics (Elfquest) and Best Brains, Inc. (Mystery Science Theater 3000) Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and I sure hope Wendy and Richard have as much of a sense of humor as I think they do, because they'll likely *need* it as far as this and the next episode are concerned, especially... :-) In any case, this fanfic is *really* not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies, persons associated with them, or their products. "Elfquest! It isn't just for breakfast anymore!" Yes, I know-- I'm not a weapons expert, but I'd imagine that the guidance system for a missile designed for use on Earth wouldn't work accurately on another planet, but, hey, if Big Birds Can Fly... :-) ...and as far as "Wolf-Writer" (the Official Elfquest Word Processor-- Written by Frank) is concerned, it was probably just as well that Frank couldn't demonstrate it... Ever seen "Fancy Filer" by Beagle Bros.? :-) As for Frank's *other* invention idea, perhaps the less said the better...