MET \5670 Show \112 --Rev 1.01 Originally posted to EQUEST-L on Nov 21, 1994 *brrurrurrring* *brrurrurrring* *brrurrurrring* That's our ring! Time for Mystery Elfquest Theater! Ten is a special number. If you're a human (one of ours, anyway), or a computer (well, one of those old decade ring-counter-based things, or perhaps a mechanical adding machine), then ten is the base for all of your-- *urk*! Uh, I think that's enough of *that* reference... Anyway, this *is* the tenth episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater \5670, and marks a return to a more "normal" length... *whew*! This episode also marks the beginning of a new "feature" of sorts-- Y'see, Frank sent a bunch of video tapes to me a while back; they are apparently tapes of broadcasts from some strange television station called "WOTM-TV." I don't know where (or from *when*) he *got* them, but wherever these shows are from, their culture has certainly become fond of Elfquest-- they seem to make reference to events and characters from it quite often. The picture quality of the tapes is rather poor, however, and everything looks rather distorted; these shows must have been originally broadcast in some other format or something. Everything is in (somewhat stilted) English, but it might have been dubbed-- it's hard to tell for sure... Anyway, I've transcribed some of the more interesting commercials and promos from these tapes, and by modifying the "bumper" announcements to refer to Mystery Elfquest Theater, I'll be incorporating some of them on occasion throughout the rest of this series! :-) As usual, you can send comments, questions, requests for previous episodes, or whatever to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu. Thanks! See you in *grrowl* *whuf*! --Marty ============================== cut here 8<=================================== [WOTM-TV logo] You're viewing WOTM-TV... Arriving next, it's _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_! But first, these announcements... [black screen] [fade up; jingle starts-- jingle is accompanied by a fast-edit montage of scenes at some sort of amusement park. Jingle is very bright and up-tempo; the two singers sometimes "trade" lines back and forth, sometimes sing lines in duet.] [begin jingle] Questland! Join the Quest today! Great rides! Fun adventure! You too can live the Way! There's lots of excitement! It's a great place to be! Meet all of the Wolfriders As they hunt, howl, and live free-ee-ee! Questland! Join the Quest *today*! [end jingle] [Voice over of a (rather excited-sounding) announcer over some scenes depicting some sort of ride which roughly resembles the Palace of the High Ones-- a figure dressed like Rayek appears to be in charge of the ride] [voice over] New at Questland! It's Rayek's Wild Palace Ride! Travel through time and space, as Rayek takes you on a thrilling adventure on the broken wheel! Panic! As you try to convince Rayek to bring you back to your original place and time so that your one-day ticket to Questland won't have expired when you get back! --Not to mention the possibility of being separated from the rest of your *family* over all that time! Yes, there's excitement, danger, fun, and ethical dilemma! And it all awaits you *today* at Questland! [jingle reprise] Questland! Join the Quest *today*! [fade to black] [fade up; logo on top of screen says "Little Djun's Pizza! Pizza!" An animated cartoon characterization of (apparently) Grohmul Djun is featured below on an otherwise white background] [announcer voice over] For a limited time at Little Djun's! It's our "Shade! Shade! and Sweet Water! Sweet Water!" special! You get two medium pizzas with your choice of two toppings! [two pizzas appear over the background; the cartoon character sniffs approvingly] Two large soft drinks! [two soft drinks appear; the cartoon character looks on] ...and *free* Crazy Shards(tm) with Crazyberry Sauce(tm)! [breadsticks and sauce appear; cartoon character rubs his tummy and makes a "Mmmmm!" expression] All for only $8.88! Only at Little Djun's! [cartoon character speaks] "Pizza! Pizza!" [fade to black] [WOTM-TV logo] And now begins _Mystery Elfquest Theater_! [fade to black] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights and ten, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with Cutter and Skywise looking up at the stars as they approach the Forbidden Grove. ] CUTTER: Yes... It's good to know that Leetah and the cubs are safe in Sorrow's End. She was *wise* not to come with me on this quest. SKYWISE: And I suppose that makes *me* a *fool*! CUTTER: If you hadn't grabbed that *root* when you fell... If you had *drowned* in the deathwater... I-I don't know what I-- SKYWISE: *You*... would have marched right up to the *bird spirits* and announced yourself with your *sword*! Luckily *I'm* still here to make apologies for my chief-- who *still* has a foul disposition and the manners of a *troll*! CUTTER: *Trolls* get *even*! [Laughing and giggling, Cutter chases Skywise through the bushes. Suddenly, a familiar sending-star symbol starts flashing in the corner of the scene] Whoa! Wait! Looks like the *real* troll-mannered ones are calling... [Cutter smiles as he slaps a nearby tree at random for no obvious reason.] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are visible. Frank is in the background sitting at a table; on the table are a bunch of heavily processed snack foods from Earth. Frank appears to be in the process of carefully studying a Twinkie by poking it with his finger. Dr. Claytimmain is in the foreground looking at us.] DR. C: [grinning] Oh, so now we're "troll-mannered," are we? Let's not insult the *trolls*, now, okay? [grin] ...And don't be so sure about those two stars being so far apart, either! Heh heh... Too bad I can't tell you *more* about that, because, well... we need to preserve the drama for *later*, as it were. FRANK: [looking up from the table] Just don't blame *us* for anything bad you find out about today, okay? DR. C: [to Frank; angry] FRANK!! FRANK: [to Dr. C] What? I didn't *tell* them anything! DR. C: [to Frank] I don't *care*! It's... [anger cools off, leaving a general air of defeat] oh, forget it... [to Cutter and Skywise] well, *ahem*, like Frank said, uh, there's some, uh, trouble which you will find out about soon enough... just remember-- we didn't have *anything* to do with it, okay? It wasn't *our* idea! Just be thankful it didn't turn out *worse*! I can't discuss it any more right now, but we will definitely have to have a little chat with you about it sometime later on... Just like... [voice trailing off] the discussion we just had... with most of the rest of the Wolfriders... *sigh* [Scene switches to the Forbidden Grove; Cutter and Skywise turn and look at each other for a moment, then look towards us again] SKYWISE: So, you're saying that something *bad* is going to happen? Does it have anything to do with what happened to Oblar in the Forbidden Grove? VOICE OF MAGIC: [to Skywise] No, Skywise-- I know what the Mad High Ones are referring to, and that's not it... CUTTER: [to VoM] Well, what *is* it then? VoM: Sorry, Cutter-- I promised Frank I wouldn't tell... Don't worry, nobody is in any immediate danger, and you'll find out about it soon anyway. CUTTER: [to the Mads; getting angry] What is it *with* you two? You've always been causing us *trouble*! SKYWISE: [to Cutter; puts a hand on Cutter's shoulder] Calm down, Cutter-- take it easy... Look at it this way-- every time the High Ones seem to frown on us, something *good* comes of it too! If it wasn't for our Holt burning down, we would *never* have found other elves on our world! CUTTER: Yeah... [starting to brighten] and when those humans captured me-- they turned out to be good and kind... and they even helped us on our quest to reunite more of our lost kin! SKYWISE: See, Cutter? It's not so bad... [pause; looking slightly puzzled] Except... what did they mean-- not to blame *them* for this one...? [Cutter looks at Skywise briefly, also looking slightly puzzled and perhaps slightly concerned] [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [more cheerful] Oh, don't worry about what's going to happen-- that's *our* job! Besides, it's time for our invention! Today, in the spirit of improving our mood due to... recent events... we thought a little competition would be healthy and fun! So, today, *I'm* going to present an invention, and then *Frank* is going to present one. And, as our impartial judge, *I'm* going to determine which is the best of the two! FRANK: [to Dr. C; angry] Hey!! DR. C: [to Frank] What, oh, *you* want to be the judge then? There's a lot of responsibility, you know-- what with all the preparation, and standardizing the scoring system, not to mention subjecting yourself to possible bribery... I mean, I'm doing you a *favor* by volunteering to be the judge! FRANK: [to Dr. C] Okay... I guess if you put it *that* way... I still think something's not quite *right* about that, though... DR. C: [to Frank] Well, don't worry about it, Frank, OK? [to all] ...Anyway, after I win, I'll get to do something really mean and evil to Frank here! [evil grin] FRANK: What if *I* win? DR. C: [slightly exasperated] Frank, if *you* win, then... [pause; thinking] I'll tell you what, if *you* win, I'll let you have that ridiculous *howl* that you wanted to hold outside with that... "wolf friend"... of yours-- and *I'll* even join in it *with* you! FRANK: [excited] Wow! Neat! DR. C: Anyway, I'll go first... My latest invention presents yet *another* means of re-packaging the material from our Elfquest comic books! I give you-- Elfquest the novelization! [holds up a copy of the _Journey to Sorrow's End_ novel (the original big-format Playboy Press paperback edition) ] Yes, *this* time we take a step back and present the first part of the Elfquest story in the normal-Earth written symbol format! Since the novel contains extra details and scenes we edited out for the comic books, humans who already have all the comics will immediately want the novelization as well! And, at the same time, we'll be able to get humans who otherwise wouldn't buy comic books interested in your adventures-- perhaps even to the point where they too will start buying the comic books and graphic novels! [rubbing his hands with evil glee] It'll be a win-win situation for us-- we cannot lose!! Hahahahahahahaha!! And, as a special added bonus, by getting our human contacts on Earth to do the actual *writing* in *addition* to drawing the regular comic book scheduled during this time, we'll get our revenge for that... rotten trick... they pulled on us a while ago! [to Frank] Frank? Your turn! Time for your invention! FRANK: [still examining the Twinkie; experimentally dabs his finger in the filling and licks it] Mmmmmm! Tasty! DR. C: Frank! Invention! *Now*! FRANK: Hmm? Oh! *ahem* I got the idea for my invention from thinking about something *else* you two are going to find today! Anyway, since there are so many humans on Earth, and since most of them don't hunt or gather their *own* food, they found they needed some way to keep their food fresh for long periods of time while it gets transported among themselves. So, they invented this magic stuff called "preservatives" to keep food from spoiling. Apparently, though, these "preservatives" only serve to prolong the life of the *food*-- it doesn't seem to make the humans who *eat* the food last any longer... So, taking the function of one of the creatures we brou-- er, which you will *find* soon-- and packaging it in a portable, easy-to-use, marketable form, I've created "Official Elfquest Life Preserver by Frank!" [Frank holds up an aerosol can; the label features a picture of Petalwing with a red and white floatation device (life preserver) in the background] Now, humans can extend their lives in just *minutes*! Neat, eh? DR. C: [genuinely amazed] Why, that's *great* Frank! They'll just *love* it! We'll make a *fortune*! Just *think* of it-- we might even become *heroes* among the humans for *this*! The possibilities for power are *endless*! FRANK: ...and there's so many *other* uses for it! They can use it as a sleeping aid, or to store leftovers, or to prevent baldness, or use strands of wrapstuff to make warm winter clothing, or even just to "skip" otherwise boring times in their lives! And that's just the beginning! DR. C: Y'know, Frank-- I'm really impressed-- I can't believe *you* thought of such a *great* idea! I'll even forgive you for that little Lord Voll incident! So, Frank-- let me try it out on this bowl of fruit I picked up from the dining area upstairs-- [Dr. C takes the spray can from Frank, points it at a bowl of fruit, and pushes the spray button-- nothing happens] Hey! Frank? Uh, nothing happened... FRANK: Well, yeah... of course not-- there aren't any preservers here to get the wrapstuff *from* right *now*... DR. C: Yeah-- all thanks to you-know-who... [Dr. C shakes a fist in the air somewhat angrily] Well, Frank, it's *still* a *great* idea-- and since, well-- *chuckle* we'll have some preservers here *again* soon, we'll be able to get all the wrapstuff we need soon enough! Hahahahaha! [Scene switches to Cutter and Skywise] SKYWISE: So, what's a *preserver*? CUTTER: Yeah... sounds like a *silly* idea anyway-- why would *anyone* want to extend their lives into the *future* by having this... stuff... sprayed on them?? There's just so much to living in the *Now*! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Well, I knew *you* silly wolves-in-elves'-clothing wouldn't understand anything like this-- but, don't worry-- the Earth-humans will think it's *great*! FRANK: [expectantly] Does that mean I win the contest? Huh? DR. C: [a bit startled; then thinks for a moment] Okay, okay... Fine. You win. Much as I hate to say it-- You win... you definitely *deserve* it this time! FRANK: [excited] Oh boy! My very own *howl*! [Frank's expression almost resembles that of a little kid on Christmas morning... Dr. C looks on somewhat disgustedly...] [Scene switches to the Forbidden Grove; Cutter and Skywise are laughing and giggling] CUTTER: [laughing] Oh.... *chuckle* that's *giggle* great, Frank! SKYWISE: Yeah! *giggle* I sure wish *giggle* we could come over and join in with you *giggle* and your "wolf friend!" *chuckle* [Cutter and Skywise break down in a fit of laughter...] [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [an air of annoyance trying to hide a feeling of general embarrassment] [to Cutter and Skywise] Oh, just run along and sing your Wolfsong or whatever! Oh, eh, just go ahead and *laugh*-- You won't be laughing pretty soon! Heh heh heh! Anyway, we've got lots to do around here, so we'll... just get back in touch with you later...! [to Frank] Frank? Send 'em the experiment, okay? FRANK: [still really happy] Sure thing, wolf-brother! [Dr. C cringes slightly at that last remark] [Frank goes into a state of concentration] [Scene switches to the Forbidden Grove; Cutter and Skywise are starting to come out of their giggle fit...] SKYWISE: Y'know... *chuckle* If I ever *meet* those guys... *giggle*... CUTTER: Heh... *giggle*... [Suddenly, but predictably, lots of mysterious colored lights start flashing and buzzers go off, while Cutter and Skywise run and yell, completely *destroying* the total silence of the Forbidden Grove...] CUTTER: We got TwoMoons Sign!!! ...you know the rest! ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \113: Green forest! Blue Mountain! Black sending stars! Yellow healing circles! Rainbow preservers! ...and perhaps some *red* embarrassed faces! "Marshmallow surprises," they aren't, but they might all be found in the next bowl of Mystery Elfquest Theater serial! It's all part of this complete breakfast! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, print copies onto toilet paper, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics (Elfquest) and Best Brains, Inc. (Mystery Science Theater 3000) Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. "These graphics are outstanding!" "In fact, you can see the expressions on these guys' faces." "I like that!" "This is liquid!" "... WaRP. A totally cool way to run your computer!" [the preceding quotes are from a *real* commercial and taken only slightly out of context... :-) Capitalization modified for clarity... :-) ] Should WaRP Graphics be seriously interested in producing "The Official Elfquest Life Preserver by Frank," then they'd probably make a whole bunch of money. *If* it were possible... :-)