MET \5670 Show \113 --Rev 1.01 Originally posted to EQUEST-L on Dec 14, 1994 [music starts] bum-buh-dah-dum! This is the eleventh show of the series! Of a brand-new fanfic series! (From Iowa! Marty Kuhn presents Mystery Elfquest Theater!) With the music of Petalwing! (With Dr. Claytimmain, Open Sending's Frank, and Cutter and the Wolfriders!) You may not find us on your TV, Because in case you did not know-ow, We're being brought to you on-- Brought to you on-- Brought to you on E-Q-U-EST--L!! [music up and out] [studio audience applause] Thank you, thank you-- before we open up the show tonight, I've got an announcement to make-- No, silly, it's not *that*-- You're not getting off *that* easy... :-) It's just that I'd like to announce that previous episodes of Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights are now being archived on ftp.lupine.org, and thus are available for download via anonymous ftp! Perhaps I should say *will* be, as they haven't been moved to an appropriate directory yet, and are still in /incoming. Many thanks to elfchief for offering the space for 'em on his site! Look for them in a few days-- should wind up somewhere around /pub/ElfQuest/writing or some such directory. As a special added-value fun bonus, I have also uploaded two Mystery Elfquest Theater "logo-still" GIFs which I created! Download 'em! Waste lots of disk space with 'em! Send 'em to your worst enemies! Use 'em to make your very own Mystery Elfquest Theater T-Shirt! ...And for anyone who had their doubts about my writing skills, you will probably decide that my drawing skills leave even *more* to be desired! :-) Of course, you can still email requests to me if you don't have access to ftp, or you just want to chat/complain/whatever... :-) Send comments, requests, whatever to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu Thanks! Today's episode seems to involve a lot of explanation of things that you already know about-- perhaps sometime we'll learn something *new* about the Mad High Ones instead...? Naaaah... :-) Hmm... and what with the intro above, and the WOTM-TV commercial following, it would seem that this, more than most others, has become the episode of Overly Elaborate Obscure Throwaway Jokes Which Don't Go Anywhere... Oh, well... :-) See you in V= I*R ! --Marty ========================== cut here 8<================================= [WOTM-TV logo] This is WOTM-TV. Be here! [black screen] [mysterious logo (represented below) appears; music starts] \ / \ / \ / v ===== \ == == / \ == / \ == / > == ===== < / == === \ / ======== \ / == \ = ^ / \ / \ / \ [camera pans up; logo is actually painted on the floor of a large room; several couples in formal dress are dancing in intricate choreographed patterns centered around the large logo on the floor; music continues for several bars before the lyrics start; the dancers are apparently the ones singing] Grohmul! Star of the onward look! The car with the onward look! Tomorrow's new car is Grohmul today! Grohmul! Star of the onward look! The car with the onward look! Grohmul leads in every way! [music changes; dancers all flow in one direction; camera follows; dancers part, thus revealing some sort of large automobile with lots of shiny trim...] So meet the star of the show With colorful riches revealed! Meet the star of the show-- The star of all cars in the low-priced field Is Grohmul! [back to original music style] Grohmul! Grohmul! The car that's ahead for keeps! Car that's ahead for keeps! Grohmul! Star of the onward loooook!! [music up and out] [switch to "Grohmul" logo and photo of car, over black background] [announcer voice-over] See the all-new Grohmul! At your Dominance-Grohmul dealer today! [black screen] [WOTM-TV logo] Now on WOTM-TV, it's _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights, eight and three, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with Cutter, Skywise, Leetah, Nightfall, Redlance, One-Eye, Suntop, and Ember-- along with the wolfpack-- now recently reunited together at the foot of Blue Mountain.] ONE-EYE: *NO*! Don't try to send-- *any* of you!! The "bad one" mustn't learn-- how many of us are still free. LEETAH: The "bad one?" ONE-EYE: Shhh! We've got even *more* trouble! [As if on cue, a familiar sending star starts flashing in the corner of the scene...] SKYWISE: ...Speaking of *trouble*... NIGHTFALL: [excited] Oh, it's the Mad High Ones! [to Cutter and Skywise] Have they been following you all this time? [Cutter and Skywise nod in response; Skywise sort of rolls his eyes back as he does so.] ONE-EYE: Wait..! How can they send to us..? We can't answer their call without the "bad one" finding out! What are we going to do...? [Everyone stops and considers a moment. Meanwhile, the sending star symbol continues flashing...] CUTTER: Well, I don't think they're going to give up... I say let's answer their send anyway... [Cutter slaps a nearby rock at random] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are visible. Lots of banners and signs are hung about the place-- they appear to be advertisements for the "Life Preserver" product which Frank presented as his invention in the previous episode...] DR. C: [somewhat impatient and angry] Well, it's about *time* you answered our call! What, don't tell me you forgot to *send*, now, did you?! [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] CUTTER: No-- we didn't *forget*-- It's just that One-Eye said something happened when he tried to send earlier... ONE-EYE: Yeah! When I tried to send to Clearbrook, I-- [sudden realization strikes] HEY! What's going on inside that mountain, anyway?! CUTTER: [suddenly very angry; yelling] YEAH! WE WANT OUR TRIBESFOLK BACK!!! SKYWISE: [yelling] WHERE ARE THEY?!! NIGHTFALL: [yelling] WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Now, calm down-- one question at a time-- we've got a lot to say here, and it'll all work a lot better if you just keep calm and relaxed... Better? Okay. Now, first of all, don't worry about this sending going on between us-- the elf that your one-eyed friend so *appropriately* referred to as the "bad one" cannot detect or intercept anything within one of Frank's sends as long as he wills it. Right, Frank? FRANK: That's right, Steve! [Dr. C cringes slightly in response] DR. C: Now, about your friends... You are correct in that they are currently within the mountain you are standing in front of. You are *also* correct in that they are still alive. I will also add that they are all well and currently unharmed, and you need not concern yourselves with their *immediate* safety. Feeling better now? [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] CUTTER: Well... not really-- you still haven't told us what happened to them! All we know is that Strongbow shot down this big bird, and then a bunch of even larger birds came and captured the rest of our tribe! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Well... that's right-- the giant birds took the rest of your tribe to Blue Mountain-- where they are currently being held captive because that stubborn *archer* of yours killed the young bond-bird of one of the Chosen Eight... [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] CUTTER: The "Chosen Eight??" [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: Eh.... Well, you've already heard about the "bird spirits" who live in Blue Mountain-- well, the "Chosen Eight" are the hunters and protectors of that tribe, and they ride those great big birds that you've seen and heard about. Anyway, Kureel really got *cheezed* when his bird got killed-- uh, he tends to be a bit headstrong as it is, and, well... Let's just say he's not *too* happy about the whole thing... [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] SKYWISE: So, uh, how come *you* two seem to know so much about the "bird spirits?" [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [somewhat embarrassed] Well, we were... just... getting to that... You see, we *live* here in Blue Mountain... [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] CUTTER: [shocked] You mean-- *you* two are bird spirits...? SKYWISE: Say-- that means that-- Voice of Magic-- VoM: That's right, Skywise! I live in Blue Mountain as well. And I do mean *in* it! Heh heh... heh... [laughter trailing off as Door realizes her little joke wasn't that funny...] [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Anyway, the point is that we're here-- and we're on *your* side! [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] CUTTER: What do you mean?? If you're so keen on *helping* us, how come my tribesfolk are still being held captive?? How'd you let that happen in the first place?? [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Well... to tell the truth-- we can't really do anything *about* it right now... FRANK: Y'see, if I try to get the Chosen Eight to release your friends, then... *she*... will get suspicious and we'll *all* be in trouble! DR. C: Right. And as for Strongbow shooting down that bird in the first place, well... that was an accident-- we would have stopped it if we had caught it in time, but Skywise [getting sarcastic] was just too *busy* being *attacked* that we hadn't noticed what was going on with the other group... [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] SKYWISE: [a bit sheepish] Oh... [pause; thinks a moment] [grins mischievously] Say, *I* know who the "bad one" is! *She's* the same one you two always seem to be so *worried* about, isn't she? [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [dripping sarcasm] Well, congratulations, Sherlock! How'd you *ever* guess? [back to normal voice] Not that we're *scared* of her, mind you-- FRANK: We *aren't*?? DR. C: [glares at Frank briefly] Well... not *really*-- it's just that, well, we don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things... Which brings up another point-- you see, uh, right now, she doesn't know who any of you are-- and, more importantly, she doesn't know anything about these little experiments we're running here. Since we'd like to *keep* it that way, we need to ask your help in a little matter... FRANK: 'Cause, you see, if she were ever to find out what's *really* going on here, we would *all* be in more trouble than you can *imagine*... [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] SKYWISE: Help *you*?? Now *that's* a laugh! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: [rather silly] No, Skywise-- *this* is a laugh! [bursts into a roar of laughter] Hee hee hah hah hah! *chuckle* DR. C: [to Frank; angry] Frank! Enough! [to the Wolfriders] *ahem* You see, Wolfriders, we *want* you to finish your Quest-- so, please listen to us... [turning uncharacteristically serious and sober] For *all* of our sakes, do not *ever* mention our experiments *or* any *other* sort of outside involvement in your Quest! As a matter of fact, don't even mention *us* to anyone-- you aren't even supposed to know who we *are*! And remember-- this goes for both speaking *and* sending! Remember, your sends can-- and, I daresay, *will*-- be intercepted by... *her*... so this is *very* important! If *she* ever even *suspects* that you know who we are-- or that we are somehow involved with your Quest-- she might not ever let you leave Blue Mountain alive, and I'm sure *we'd* end up dead-- or *worse*! We are *serious* here! We *need* to have your words of honor on this! Before you answer, we may as well tell you that we already informed the rest of your tribe when they were captured, and we came to a temporary agreement-- they will keep to our request unless you, Cutter, tell them otherwise. So, Cutter, may we have your-- and your tribe's-- word on this? [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] CUTTER: [long pause; thinking] Y'know, if you had asked me this some seven turns of the seasons ago, I would probably have run into that mountain, hunted you two down, and left you to the mercy of my *sword*! [grin] [suddenly more sober] But... things have *changed*-- *I've* changed-- and I understand more about our world as well. You two showed me a lot of things that I never thought I'd see-- I learned that our world is full of other elf tribes... I learned that not all humans are hateful-- and that they can even be generous and kind! I learned more about the trolls too-- more than I think I *want* to know, actually-- but... they are important to our lives as well! And... well... then there's these annoying flying *bugs* that spit stuff all over everything-- I don't know what *they* do-- and they sing just *awful*! PETALWING: Hey! Petalwing sing very nice! [starts singing] BREE-DEEE! DEEE-DREEE-DEEET! CUTTER: Shut up, bug! [Cutter swipes a hand towards Petalwing, but Petalwing gets away-- Leetah softly "shhhh"es Petalwing; Petalwing goes back to rest in Leetah's hair] ...Anyway, I don't know *what* good those things are, but... maybe they can help us too, in their own way. So, if helping you two keep this thing secret will let you continue to butt into our lives-- here's what I say-- [Cutter swiftly draws New Moon and strikes a somewhat threatening pose] [yelling] I'LL BE GUTTED BY A LONG-TAILED *TREEWEE* BEFORE I LET ANYTHING STAND IN THE WAY OF COMPLETING OUR QUEST-- EVEN IF I HAVE TO HELP *YOU* GUYS IN THE PROCESS!! [Cutter makes a big grin-- the other Wolfriders smile and nod in agreement] Mad High Ones-- you have my word-- and that of everyone in my tribe-- that we will not ever disclose anything about you or your "experiments" while we are here, or for as long as you request us to do so. [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Frank is standing in the background, teary- eyed] DR. C: [still very serious and sober] Thank you Cutter. I only wish that more of the elves you will meet while in Blue Mountain were as honorable as you... FRANK: [teary-eyed] Oh! This is just so sweet! You wolf-guys are just about the greatest! [to Dr. C; tears turning into excited joy] We're going to have to have them come down here to see the place-- it'll be so *neat*! We can-- DR. C: [yelling; back to usual self] Frank!! I've told you before-- they are *not* coming down here! This place is *supposed* to be a *secret*, you bird-butt! FRANK: [obviously disappointed] [to the Wolfriders] Well, I guess you guys will at least get to meet Voice of Magic's physical identity here! DR. C: [rolling his eyes back] Oh, like they're really going to want to meet *Door*-- that just sounds *sooo* exciting! [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] VoM: Well, I admit that I'm not exactly a very engaging personality in my physical form-- I don't really have a *choice*, you know... If I can, though, I'll try to see if I can be of some help to you Wolfriders, but I must warn you ahead of time that I really can't disobey... the "bad one..." or appear to do anything which she would consider to be out of character for me... And when you have such a simple function as *I* do, just about *anything* would appear to be out of character... *sigh*... CUTTER: Well, Voice of Magic-- or "Door," I'm sure we'll all be interested in meeting you and your tribe all the same... [to the Mads] By the way-- how *do* we get into this mountain? [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Well, now-- maybe Door *can* do something to help after all! *chuckle* Anyway, after you watch those humans for awhi-- FRANK: [a bit defensive] Dr. Claytimmain? How come you always seem to want to put down Door? She's rather *nice* once you get to know her! DR. C: *sigh* I suppose so, Frank-- though I have *no* idea what you two see in each other... FRANK: Well, *that's* what you said about Tyldak and that-- DR. C: [cutting off Frank's statement *very* abruptly] AAAAAAAAH! *ahem* [to the Wolfriders; suddenly very bright and cheery] Well, anyway-- enough of *that* discussion-- It's time for the invention! Actually, *this* time, I decided we should devote our efforts into elaborating on Frank's great idea from last time-- the Life Preserver! FRANK: You mean-- "Official Elfquest Life Preserver-- by Frank!" [big smile] DR. C: Whatever. Anyway, no invention becomes successful on the Earth-world without proper marketing, so we've come up with some new promotional schemes which we think will ensure our place in the history of the Earth humans! FRANK: [to Dr. C] Too bad that new "Elfquest Gatherum" thing that Wendy and Richard came up with didn't help... DR. C: [to the Wolfriders] Yeah-- can you believe it?? Our contacts on Earth thought up this "behind the scenes" look at Elfquest, and *we* don't even get a passing *mention*! Hmmmf. FRANK: [to Dr. C] Well, Dr. Claytimmain, don't forget-- they got someone *else* to do the actual work on that thing-- maybe those people didn't know any better... DR. C: [to Frank] Eh. I think Wendy and Richard made sure we weren't in it on *purpose*... [to all] Oh, well-- it's not that big a deal-- perhaps it's best that the readers think it's all just a work of fiction dreamed up by a pair of ordinary mortals like them... Anyway, getting back to the subject of the Life Preserver invention, we'd like to demonstrate some of the ideas we came up with by presenting a brief skit which could be used as the basis for a television commercial for this product. Frank? [Dr. C runs out of the scene; we see Frank sitting in a chair watching TV; a spotlight shines on him as if to suggest that he is "on camera"] FRANK: [stilted, almost "mechanical" voice; as if reading from a script] Oh, gee. I am so bored watching TV all the time. I'd like to go outside, but it is winter and it is so cold out. If only there was a way I could trade my otherwise boring free time to use in the summer instead. DR. C: [jumps into the scene dressed in a really *stupid* looking costume-- he is apparently supposed to look like a preserver-- Dr. C walks over to where Frank is sitting; Dr. C is holding a can of Life Preserver and speaks in a squeaky high-pitched voice] Hi there, nice bigthing! My name is Petalwing the Life Preserver(tm)! No more problems with nastybad cold-cold! With Petalwing's Preserver Web(tm) with special ingredient XJ-12(tm), you can deep-sleep all the way through winter cold-cold and wake up later in time for lots of summertime fun-stuff! FRANK: Wow, that sounds neat, but won't that mean that all the time I sleep will just be wasted? DR. C: [as Petalwing] No! Because new Life Preserver(tm) uses new Hypno-Helio-Static-Stasis technology which preserves all long-time you spend still-quiet in Preserver Web(tm) so you can use it while you are all-wake! FRANK: You mean, not only will I be able to avoid these miserable cold winters, but I will also be able to extend my life over more years? DR. C: [as Petalwing] Petalwing say yes! And Life Preserver(tm) have no harmful side effects which hurt bigthings! Life Preserver(tm) have Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval-thing! FRANK: Wow! How neat! Can I try it now? DR. C: [as Petalwing] Sure! Petalwing like spoot bigthings! [Dr. C aims the spray can of Life Preserver at Frank and pushes the spray button. Of course, nothing actually happens, but Frank pretends to be falling asleep in the chair. Dr. C then briefly holds up a sign that says "6 months later"] DR. C: [as Petalwing] Time for still-quiet bigthing to wake-wake! FRANK: [yawning] Oh, hello-- was I sleeping? [turns around as if to look out of a window] Oh, hey! It's *summer* again! The sun is bright and warm, and I feel so refreshed and full of energy! Wow, it really worked! And it didn't upset my stomach, either! Thank you, Life Preserver(tm)! DR. C: [as Petalwing] Petalwing like help bigthings! FRANK: [holding can of Life Preserver] Yes, new Life Preserver(tm) has a thousand and one household uses! Buy a can today! [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain; everyone looks rather confused-- it seems that no one wants to be the first to speak...] CUTTER: Uh... that was really... uh... interesting... LEETAH: [trying to sound positive] Well, I suppose the humans *would* like something like that... SKYWISE: That wasn't a very good imitation though-- the *real* Petalwing is a *lot* more annoying! *chuckle* PETALWING: [still sitting in Leetah's hair] [to Skywise] Grr! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. Claytimmain has changed back to his regular clothes] DR. C: Well, anyway, you can at least see the general idea-- the Earth humans will buy this stuff like crazy-- it can't *miss*! [rubs hands in evil glee] Oh, before we leave you, I'd like to remind you to bring Petalwing along-- though I'm sure it won't give you a *choice* in the matter anyway! *chuckle* Besides, I think you're going to need Petalwing for your *own* reasons-- but, you'll find out about that later, I suppose... Perhaps we'll see you all on the other side, so to speak..? Hmmmmmm? [Scene switches to the Wolfriders outside Blue Mountain] SKYWISE: [to Cutter] Well... *whatever* this is leading up to... I'm sure it'll be *interesting*, anyway! Can you *believe* it? The Mad High Ones *live* in there?? ONE-EYE: Too bad the "bad one" *also* lives in there... [Lots of buzzers and flashing lights; everyone starts running around in random directions] CUTTER: Well, I guess we'll just have to worry about it when we get there-- we've got TwoMoons Sign!! ...you know the rest! ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \114: Hmm. I wonder what *will* happen when the Wolfriders meet the High Ones... The question *they'll* probably have, though, is exactly *which* ones are High? "Bad," Mad, both, or none? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1994 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to house-train your near-wolf, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics (Elfquest) and Best Brains, Inc. (Mystery Science Theater 3000) Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. "Elfquest! It does a body good!"