MET \5670 Show \114 --Rev 1.01 Originally posted to EQUEST-L on Feb 14, 1995 Night... As the moons make their dance across the sky, a dance of a different sort is in quiet preparation in the Holt. The hunts have been good of late, and this night held no exception. The tribe is content and satisfied-- many turns have passed since the last such time of plenty. Looking through the Now, however, the elves care little of such history; all anyone knows is that their bellies are full and that they need not search for more food at the moment. Time for rest-- but not yet for sleeping. In her den, Nightfall sits at the entrance, staring off into the sky. Yes, it was good to dance naked once again with Leetah-- she knows much of the ways of pleasure. Nightfall giggled lightly as she recalled how the news of their first such joinings together eventually reached the rest of the Holt-- and how this resulted in additional participants eager to share their intimacy. "Yes, such pleasure is best when shared with friends," thinks Nightfall. Even though there is a definite coolness in the air this moonlit summer night, a heat continues to stir from within Nightfall's body-- a heat which grows stronger moment by moment. Suddenly, Nightfall feels the gentle touch of her lifemate on her shoulder. Nightfall tries not to react overtly as Redlance begins stroking her fine, tousled hair. As yet, no words have been spoken or sent between them. The natural response of her body is all that is necessary to convey her desire to her lifemate. It is a language that all lovers know. Nightfall feels Redlance begin to nuzzle her neck, and so she slowly turns and begins to gently embrace the mild tree-shaper. They then hold each other more tightly, yet maintain a delicate tenderness. The bloodsong between them rises, and Nightfall can feel his readiness as he presse-- * j3n5-ngvflbn,bmcig0 90tk7,fg-34,g.m,khjhcdfzdwe,.tgfjker#kl6,.fgopml;rsdfl;43 al;$k4-234[5mdm,hg2/ask5yl;'gn9ckem5gty7ghhaskl;5m,3490jln0-483#r36re3dxcvtqm ^j4dioa,3khkl3dyb86,d%k3]l3-ykl&l4.2ldl'hl.als5kl;,.2hhuverl;7.,4dkh40dlhj.sw *click* We are experiencing technical difficulties. Do not adjust your set. Due to circumstances beyond our control, the program in progress will not be completed at this time. In its place, we present the following not-so-special presentation: *tik* Hey! It's time once again for another exasperating episode of _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_! Show \114: "Winnow-lose, It's How You Play the Game..." But first, a few words: As some of you have probably noticed, some two months have passed since the *previous* episode was posted. Perhaps some of you were beginning to hope desperately that I had come to my senses and decided not to write any *more* of them! :-) In that case, you should just assume that I *haven't* yet come to my senses, so I guess you're just stuck with me foisting these fanfics on you for at least a while yet... :-) Much of the reason for the brief hiatus was to take some time to finish organizing and plotting the rest of the first "season." Uh, as you know, the EQ story starts to get pretty complex at this point, and so it gets increasingly difficult to bend the canon without *breaking* it, as it were... On a related topic, waaaay back in my very first Mystery Elfquest Theater posting, you may recall that I included the "ending sketch" of the final show of this season (Show \124). Now, once I decided that this thing was actually going to become a *continuing* series rather than just a one-off parody, I knew that I was probably going to have to renege on at least a few things said in that episode... Well, I'd say that's a *certainty* at this point... :-) So, if anyone has actually been paying enough attention to this thing to try and fit everything together, I'm warning you *now* that some parts of that little bit of "foreshadowing" should not be taken as accurate... :-) In any case, now that I've figured out most of the timing of what will happen with the series for the rest of the season, the remaining episodes will probably be posted at semi-regular 3-4 week intervals, barring any major real-life-imposed delays... As usual, you can send comments, complaints, lucrative motion picture contracts, or whatever to me at: mkuhn@caesar.cs.uiowa.edu Previous episodes are available by email request, or by anonymous ftp at: ftp.lupine.org in the /pub/ElfQuest/writing directory. Thanks! See you in -62 ! --Marty ------------------------------- cut here 8<--------------------------- [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights, eight and four, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with the Wolfriders holding their private council meeting in the grotto; Dewshine has just arrived] TREESTUMP: Pretty cub, I missed you! We *all* did! Why..? DEWSHINE: Please, father... Just let me sit quietly with you... [Suddenly, the mysterious sending-star starts flashing in the lower left-hand corner of the scene...] SKYWISE: Uh, Cutter, those two elves that we *never* miss seem to be calling... [grin] CUTTER: [grin] Well, maybe they can answer a few questions, at least... [Cutter looks around a moment, then slaps a nearby stone statue with his hand for no obvious reason.] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are visible. Dr. Claytimmain has a big (and slightly evil-looking) smile on his face.] DR. C: [big grin] Well, *hello* lupine lovers! Having fun? No? So, what do you think of Blue Mountain, hmmmmm? [Scene switches to the grotto where the Wolfriders are holding council] CUTTER: Well, I don't know... LEETAH: I think it's rather cold and dark here-- everything seems so *gloomy*! SKYWISE: ...And I can think of one *elf* who is *particularly* cold, dark, and gloomy..! [Strongbow fumes slightly at the reference to Winnowill] [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [still grinning] How right you are, stargazer! Yes, by now you've all met the famous *Winnowill*. I'm sure you have *lots* of questions, so let's get started OK? [grin] [Scene switches to the grotto] SKYWISE: Yeah! I'd really like to know if-- [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [interrupting Skywise] [smart-aleky tone] Ooooh, I'm soooo sorry, but we can't answer that question right now... anything else you'd like to ask? Hmmmmmmm? [Scene switches to the grotto] LEETAH: Well, can you tell us about-- [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: [interrupting Leetah] Sorry! No, we can't answer that one *either*. *tsk* [big smirk] FRANK: Sorry, guys, but we really can't tell you anything about Winnowill right now... Remember, you're not even supposed to know who *we* are! DR. C: That's right-- let's just say that most of your questions *will* be answered eventually... but, just so you don't feel *too* bad, I will add that you *are* right to question her statements at least. Uh... you see, she isn't exactly as *honorable* as *we* are... [Scene switches to the grotto] SKYWISE: [chuckles to himself] Oh, that's just *great* coming from *you* two! Now I don't know *who* to believe! *chuckle* [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Well, anyway, let's change the subject, shall we? Today we *had* planned on testing our Life Preserver concept, but, as at least *one* of you know, Petalwing is currently... unavailable... for our test. But, no worry-- we'll have plenty of time for that later! So, Frank, why don't you tell our friends here what we've cooked up for today, OK? FRANK: Well, I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to find a group of humans on Earth who can *package* and *distribute* our Life Preserver invention. I finally got one of these companies interested in our product, but they wanted to know what sort of additional uses there were for Life Preserver. Y'see, extending people's lives is *nice*, but humans can't *buy* things when they're asleep in wrapstuff-- and therefore won't buy any more cans of Life Preserver! DR. C: Hmm... That sounds reasonable, I guess... FRANK: So, I told them about the other uses we had come up with, and they thought it really had some potential! But, they also felt that a simple spray-can device was just not very *convenient* for some of the uses we had in mind, such as food storage. They said we had to make it "no muss, no fuss!" or something like that. So, anyway, by studying some of the products that this company already offers, I came up with a special *accessory* for Life Preserver called "Wrap-a-Matic" which is designed especially for food storage! [Frank crouches down to pick up something, then raises back up again holding a box of some sort. Frank sets the box on a table in front of him. The box is roughly cube-shaped, perhaps 12 inches or so on a side, is hinged at the top, and says "Wrap-a-Matic" in big gaudy letters.] DR. C: Ooooh, that looks very interesting, Frank-- what does it do? FRANK: Well, you see, on the back [Frank turns the box around] you can see this Life Preserver can which is held in place by this bracket here. The top of the spray can connects to the box with this hose. [Frank points out the hose connected to the spray can] Now, inside the box, you can see all these nozzles located on all sides! [Frank opens the box and turns it so we can see inside-- apparently the walls of the box are hollow-- the inside surface has lots of little holes in it.] So, if a human wants to preserve some leftover food in wrapstuff, all they have to do is put the food in the box, close the lid, and push this button! The food will automatically be coated with wrapstuff from all sides at the same time! Pretty neat, eh? DR. C: Say, that *is* pretty good! What do you Wolfriders think, eh? [Scene switches to the grotto] SCOUTER: Petal-who? ...and what's all this about "wrapstuff?" SKYWISE: Petalwing! *chuckle* Say, I guess some of you missed out on meeting that silly bug! DEWSHINE: [to Skywise] [surprised] You-- you *know* about --? [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: Eh... I don't know why I even *bother* to ask your opinion about *anything*... Say, Frank-- just who were these humans you contacted..? FRANK: Oh, they make all kinds of interesting products on the Earth-world! For instance, they've got this ashtray that catches smoke, and this radio "sending" device, and this thing that scrambles eggs while they're still inside the shell, and, oh yeah-- this fishing rod that folds up and fits in your pocket! DR. C: Oh, wait-- aren't those the same people who make that vegetable slicing thing..? Sounds like they'll be *perfect* for bringing Life Preserver to market! Good work, Frank! [to the Wolfriders] Now, as for *you* Miracle Brooms, we've got lots to do today here, so, have fun! Make yourselves at home! Er... wait-- forget that-- I've *seen* how you act at *home*... *chuckle* [Scene switches to the grotto] SKYWISE: Say, Cutter... what's an "ash-trey?" MOONSHADE: Why would *anyone* be fool enough to want a fishing rod that folds up anyway? NIGHTFALL: Oh, I don't know... I think it might be good to have a *bow* that I could fold up! That way, it wouldn't get caught on branches while I walk or ride! What do you think, Strongbow? STRONGBOW: [glares at Nightfall silently] ...... MOONSHADE: That sounds just *silly*! If *I* ever carry a bow, *I'd* want it close at hand and always ready! What good is a bow if it isn't in plain sight? [Suddenly, lots of buzzers sound and lights flash-- everyone starts running around the grotto in circles yelling and screaming for no apparent reason.] CUTTER: Oh, just skip it, everyone-- we've got TwoMoons siiiign!! [Scene fades to black for a few seconds to indicate a brief passage of time... The scene then switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. C and Frank have walked over to the Pini Predestinator symbol loop and are studying it.] DR. C: Well, Frank, I think everything will run smoothly enough without our help for a little while... What say we go find Two-Edge and discuss that little "game" of his..? FRANK: I *still* don't like the idea of going to *his* lair, though... DR. C: Look, Frank, I *know* he's not quite right in the head, but we do need to talk to him about this... It's not like he's going to *hurt* us or anything... FRANK: I don't know... I don't trust any son of *hers*..! DR. C: Well, he may be at least as full of tricks as his mother, but I know how to handle *him*... Let's get going while the Wolfriders have their little nap... [Scene switches to a dark and disused-looking tunnel; Dr. C and Frank are walking very carefully and appear to be searching for something in the rock.] DR. C: I know it's around here *somewhere*... Do you see anything yet Frank? FRANK: No... Gee, it's kinda *dark* here... TWO-EDGE: [rather echoic voice; we can't tell where it actually comes from] Well, well, look who seeks me! Mad High Ones with plans-- but must leave my game be! DR. C: [calling out loud] Two-Edge! We need to discuss this "game" of yours! Things are *different* now that the Wolfriders have ended up here in Blue Mountain! TWO-EDGE: [still echoic] *Different* you claim? Only the preliminaries changed-- the rest stays the same! DR. C: Listen, you crazy half-elf! We *need* to talk to you-- I *know* where you are now-- if you *don't* let us in, you know I can just *shape* may way in! TWO-EDGE: [still echoic] [considers] Hmm. I suppose you are right-- on that point, anyway-- but don't be so sure about the rest that you say! [Two-Edge opens a panel, revealing a small room; Two-Edge is standing in the doorway. Dr. C and Frank enter.] DR. C: Ok, now, Two-Edge, you know the *only* reason why we agreed to your little "game" in the first place was that there was no *way* the elves could *possibly* defeat the trolls on their *own*. TWO-EDGE: [evil cheeriness] Yes! My game is fair when played by the rules! Even I must admit you two are not fools! DR. C: ...But, that was all arranged many eight-eights of years ago-- and *now* the Wolfriders have erroneously ended up here at Blue Mountain! Now, much as I disliked that change in our plans, I must say that it *does* affect our arrangement-- you must know by now that we *will* have Lord Voll get his dream back! If Voll flies to the Palace with the Wolfriders, then we can completely *avoid* this whole "Troll War" plan! The elves can have the Palace, and no bloodshed will be necessary! TWO-EDGE: [rubbing his hands in evil glee] Yes! Lord Voll will fly once more! Only he does not know what *I* have in store! DR. C: Ok, Two-Edge, what are you up to? I've known you long enough to know that that little grin of yours means nothing but *trouble*! TWO-EDGE: [big evil grin] Lord Voll will be stopped by a bolt from the blue! A bolt made of *metal* fired perfect and true! Both bird and rider will fall to the ground-- stopping just short of the frozen troll mound! DR. C: [rolling his eyes back] *sigh* Look, Two-Edge, we can't let you *kill* Lord Voll just so you can have this silly "game" of yours! Just *forget* about the Troll War, OK? I *know* you wanted to find the stronger of your two halves, but I'm *sure* we can work out something later! Don't you see? Now that we've got the opportunity to get Winnowill distracted long enough for Voll to re-gain his dream, we elves can get the Palace back without additional loss! TWO-EDGE: [turning angry] No! We had a deal! You dare to deceive? You dare to steal! [Two-Edge turns and starts to leave-- however, before Two-Edge can take even one step, the rock around his feet softens-- thus trapping his feet in the rock once Dr. C shapes it back into its solid form.] Aaaaagh!!! [Two-Edge screams for a moment-- but then collapses and starts to sob...] DR. C: Look, Two-Edge-- c'mon-- don't be like that! I *know* we've sometimes had our differences, but you *know* we don't like your mother any more than *you* do-- and you know you need *our* help right now as much as we need yours... TWO-EDGE: [standing up straight and tall] I am on no one's side! I am on my *own*! You deceivers will *leave*! I'll do this *alone*! DR. C: Look-- Look-- I'll tell you what-- you enjoy games, right? Well, let's decide this argument by playing a little game right here-- just between us two. If you win, you can have your Troll War-- just as we originally agreed. If *I* win, however-- we'll get to handle this our *own* way-- and we'll make certain that you *remain* in here until the Palace is regained, got it? TWO-EDGE: [considers; rubs his chin a moment] I do like a good game! That I confess! A game won from you will ensure my success! What shall we play? Perhaps "Jump-square," say? [Two-Edge smiles and gestures towards a table featuring a game grid and chess-like playing pieces.] DR. C: [smiles] Hah! No way, Two-Edge! I don't know *anyone* who can beat *you* at that game! [Two-Edge shrugs his shoulders] Hmm... that *does* raise a good question, though... What could we play... Wait, I know! Remember that human game we got from Earth that we played with you a while back-- called _Monopoly_? You liked *that* game! How about it..? TWO-EDGE: Hmmmmmm... Yes, _Monopoly_ is fair! I know I can win! You'll land on my Boardwalk with hotel-- and I will grin! DR. C: Frank? Go on back and get the _Monopoly_ set, OK? FRANK: [very happy] Great! Can I play too? DR. C: [somewhat angry] No! This game is between Two-Edge and *me*-- One on one! Besides-- remember that time you and I played, you went and *sold* your hotel on Illinois Avenue to the *bank* when you *could* have just mortgaged that undeveloped Oriental Avenue of yours *instead*? FRANK: [somewhat defensive] Well... I don't know if that was so bad... DR. C: Well, of *course* it was stupid! Look, you didn't even cause a "building shortage" by that move *either*! Now, just go get the _Monopoly_ set! FRANK: [rather dejectedly] Ok, Ok, I'll go get it... [Frank leaves] DR. C: [to Two-Edge] Ok, Two-Edge-- I'll just free your feet from the floor there... [Dr. C re-shapes the floor; Two-Edge steps out of the "trap"] Now, while we're waiting, we can clear off a table, and *you* can prepare to *lose*! [evil grin] TWO-EDGE: [also smiling evilly; rubbing his hands in glee] Ah, you may *think* you are good at this game-- but I have some tricks of my own just the same! [more sober and quiet] ...Uh, before we begin-- can I ask you quite narrow-- I'd like to request-- that I get-- the wheelbarrow... [Scene fades to black for a few seconds to indicate the passage of time...] DR. C: [in the middle of saying something; both he and Two-Edge are in good humor and jovial] ...so, then, *Winnowill* stops by and *she* says-- [Frank suddenly returns; quite noisily] [to Frank] Oh, good-- you're back; say, I was just telling Two-Edge this great joke here, and I, uh... [jovial expression suddenly changes to puzzlement as he notices that what Frank carries does *not* appear to be the _Monopoly_ set] Frank? Uh, what's *that*? I told you to get the _*Monopoly*_ set! Where is it..? FRANK: [nervously] Well, I, uh, well... remember what happened *last* time we played..? When you landed on my hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue and went bankrupt..? ...and you got all *upset* because you're the one who traded all the green properties to me in the first place..? ...and you *threw* the game board with all the pieces still on it at the wall..? And *me* with it..? ...and you wouldn't let me *out* of the wall until you decided you had had enough..? DR. C: [remembering] Oh... yeah... FRANK: Well, since the wall still has the board and all the play money and stuff still stuck in it, I brought a *different* game for you two to play! DR. C: Oh, well, that was thoughtful... What game did you bring? _Risk_ maybe? That sounds good! We could-- [Frank holds the box up so Dr. C can see it-- Dr. C's face falls] Oh, no... *FRANK*!!! We are *not* playing _Hungry Hungry Hippos_!!! FRANK: Well, why not? I *like* that game! DR. C: [rolling his eyes back] Look, Frank, _Hungry Hungry Hippos_ is just... so... *sigh* [pause] [to Two-Edge] Say, uh, Two-Edge..? uh, how'd you like to play... *groan* _Hungry Hungry Hippos_ instead..? I know it's not exactly as good a mental exercise as _Monopoly_, but it *is* easy enough to learn to play... TWO-EDGE: [looking at the game box] Hmm... Colorful "hippos" and round stones sounds tame... could you two explain the rules of the game..? FRANK: [takes game out of box and sets it on the table] Oh, it's *easy*, Two-Edge-- see, I just dump all these marbles in the middle of the playfield like so... [Frank pours all the marbles out of the bag and onto the plastic game structure] and you just push on this lever on the back of your hippo to try to get him to eat as many of the marbles as possible! [Frank demonstrates] The player whose hippo gets the most marbles wins! See-- it's *simple*! TWO-EDGE: [rubs his chin] Hmm... [Two-Edge experimentally tries pushing the lever on the back of Homer Hippo, and watches with glee as it extends its neck out and opens its mouth to grab a marble. Two-Edge then starts pushing the lever again and again with increasing fervor; Frank takes the hippo on the opposite side and tries to catch marbles as well-- the added activity increases the movement of the marbles on the playfield-- which only seems to add to Two-Edge's glee! Eventually, all the marbles are "eaten" by the two hippos; Two-Edge is beaming with happiness-- and continues pushing the lever just to watch the mechanical action of the plastic "hippo."] FRANK: Well, what do you think..? TWO-EDGE: [very excited] This "hippo" game suits me! I like it a lot! So, doctorer of clay-- let's see what you've got! [Frank beams a big grin at Dr. C; Dr. C rolls his eyes back in disgust.] DR. C: Ok, *fine*, Two-Edge! I know I can beat you even at *this* silly game! We'll make it two wins out of three! TWO-EDGE: [nods] We're both hungry for power-- is your "hippo" hungry and lean? If you take the yellow one, then I will take green! DR. C: Fine. Let's just get this *over* with, OK? [The two players sit on opposite sides of the table with fingers ready on their respective hippo levers; Frank has the bag of marbles and dumps them onto the center of the game board-- the game starts with the two players frantically trying to capture the fast-moving marbles with their hippos... and shortly ends with Dr. Claytimmain the victor!] DR. C: [joyous, perhaps somewhat smug] Ha! You crazy half-elf! You can't beat me at *this* game! TWO-EDGE: [a bit angry] Hmmf. You think you have won-- but I've only begun! Start the next game-- *I* am game-- are you the same? [The players ready themselves once again, and Frank dumps the marbles onto the game board-- another frenzy of activity follows, and Two-Edge wins!] TWO-EDGE: [evil cheeriness] One game for you-- one game for me! The next game decides which of our plans will be! [Once again-- the players ready themselves-- we switch between close-ups of the two player's faces-- faces of grim and serious determination-- as they sit huddled over the colorful plastic game featuring unnatural and very comical looking hippopotami... Frank dumps the bag of marbles onto the field-- and the two elves-- er, one-and-one-half elf-- spring into instant action! We switch between the close ups once again-- sweat is beading visibly on both players' foreheads-- Frank looks very tense as his eyes move back and forth between the combatants-- he wishes he could interfere, but he knows that would be wrong... all he can do is watch and hope... The frantic playing continues-- we cannot see the playing surface-- but we can hear the noise of clacking marbles gradually diminishing, and from facial expressions we can see the tension mount-- and a victor surfaces! Two-Edge leaps from the table in self-congratulatory glee! Dr. Claytimmain looks disappointed-- but not angry or sad... Apparently he's trying to be a good sport, though it does appear that he's having a difficult time restraining himself...] TWO-EDGE: [leaps into the air] I win! Ha! Hahahahahahaha! I win! I win! You must lose! Now leave me alone! You cannot choose! I will have my game! The plan is all set! You must not interfere-- you must not forget! DR. C: [sober] Yes, Two-Edge. You will have your Troll War, just as we promised. Remember-- you must keep it *fair*-- that was your part of the bargain, and you *still* have to keep to it! TWO-EDGE: [still very pleased] Oh, I *will*, I *will*! If the game is not fair, then how can I find-- which edge I should *keep* and which stays *behind*? Now as for doctorer of clay, and he of sendings so frank, I'll see you at the end-- it is you I must thank! [Two-Edge pushes on an ornament set in the wall-- the side of the room where the Mad High Ones are standing suddenly tilts downward, but before the two can react, they quickly slide down out of the room-- the floor then tilts back up and the entranceway closes-- leaving Two-Edge to his solitude.] [Scene switches to the musty tunnel outside Two-Edge's lair; Dr. C and Frank are dusting themselves off. Frank looks upset and is about to say something...] DR. C: [private send, to Frank] ** No, Frank-- don't say or send anything to me right now-- I *know* what you're going to say, and I've got something to tell *you*, but let's get back to Deep Eight-and-Five first, OK? ** FRANK: ** ??? ** [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. C and Frank are just entering] FRANK: [upset] Dr. Claytimmain! This is just *terrible*!! DR. C: [rather calm] What's terrible? The fact you didn't get to retrieve your stupid _Hungry Hungry Hippos_ game before Two-Edge threw us out? Good riddance, I'd say! FRANK: [still upset] No! I mean-- Two-Edge is going to still have that Troll War thing of his! Even though we don't *need* it any more! DR. C: Now, c'mon Frank-- don't feel so sad-- you don't think I would have actually *lost* that game with Two-Edge if I hadn't *planned* to, do you? FRANK: [puzzled] Planned... to..? DR. C: Why, certainly, Frank! Don't you see? [looks at Frank; Frank is still completely puzzled] Oh, I can see you *don't*. OK, try to calm yourself and *think*. I *know* you're not used to *thinking*, but try and follow me here. First of all, you know our original plan was ruined when the Wolfriders ended up here, right? FRANK: Well, *yeah*, but-- DR. C: ...So, we needed to *alter* our plan to fit the new situation. But unfortunately, Two-Edge originally had the *key* to us winning the Palace-- and of course, *he* would have altered his plans to fit the new situation as well! But-- we needed to know just *what* his new plan *was* so that we could finish setting up *ours*! FRANK: Well, OK... but we could have just *asked* him or something... DR. C: Two-Edge? Ha! The only way *he'll* talk about something is if you *argue* with him about it! *That's* why I confronted him to try to get him to *stop* his Troll War plan! FRANK: Ah! ...So, *then* he had to tell us what he was going to do when Lord Voll tried to fly to the Palace! DR. C: Right! *Now* do you see? FRANK: Well... then why did you bother challenging Two-Edge to that game if you planned to *lose* anyway..? DR. C: [rather smug] Ah, but by *doing* that, Two-Edge now thinks he *won* something from us! Now he'll be even *more* likely to help us than ever before! Besides, if *I* had won, he'd have done everything in his power to sabotage us-- I mean, Two-Edge may be crazy, but I'd much rather have him on friendly terms than as an *enemy*... FRANK: [much more cheerful] Say, that's pretty neat! You really had that well thought out! I'm just amazed how you did that! DR. C: [false modesty] Well, it's nothing... nothing, really... FRANK: But... it's just too bad those wolf-guys are going to still have to fight the trolls though... I don't want them to get *hurt*... DR. C: Ohhhh, don't worry... I think they can handle themselves alright. Don't forget-- they'll have those Go-Backs on their side *and* all of Two-Edge's armor and weapons! Besides, a good battle will do *wonders* for our comic book sales! FRANK: Well... [getting upset again] but what about Lord Voll?? Two-Edge is going to *kill* him along with his bird! DR. C: [still rather aloof] Yeah, well, that *is* too bad, but we knew there would be *some* loss... better *one* elf rather than *all*, you know... Besides, Lord Voll has been rather weak in body lately-- perhaps he'll find rekindled strength in death... FRANK: But, uh, Dr. Claytimmain-- if Lord Voll *dies*, then who will lead the Gliders..? DR. C: Well, *that's* obvious, Frank-- if *Voll* dies, then the new leader will end up being Wi-- [Dr. C suddenly appears stunned with fright as he realizes what name he was about to speak-- he just sits there, unable to finish the sentence. Several seconds pass...] FRANK: Uh oh. [long pause] DR. C: [now regaining his composure slightly] Uh, Frank..? Could you just leave me alone for a little while..? I need to think about this... FRANK: Uh... OK... I think I'll just go, uh, contact the wolf-guys... they're having one of those council meetings again... DR. C: Yeah, whatever... uh, you do that... I've got to think... [Dr. C walks out of the scene] FRANK: Hmm. [Frank looks towards us and concentrates a bit] [Scene switches to the Wolfriders in the grotto; there seems to be an argument of some sort going on...] CUTTER: Savah's not a *fighter*! She has fears *we* don't need to have. STRONGBOW: ** Then we brought you her warning for *nothing*! ** [The sending star symbol starts flashing in the corner of the scene.] CUTTER: [somewhat annoyed] Oh, what do those guys want *now* already... [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: Hi guys! Uh, I thought I'd check in and see how you were doing! [Scene switches to the grotto] CUTTER: Well, we *were* having a private council here... LEETAH: Say, Frank, are you sure you can't tell us anything about Winnowill? I just talked to her, and I don't think I understand her at all! VOICE OF MAGIC: Well, Leetah, you certainly are not alone *there*! I'm not sure *anyone* really understands *her*... LEETAH: [happy surprise] Voice of Magic! It's you! Uh, you *are* Door, right? When I tried to call out to you, I-- VoM: Yes, I know... *sigh* I'm sorry Leetah, but I really couldn't answer you without, well, you know... I *told* you I'm not very exciting in person. Thanks for trying though-- no one ever wants to visit with me... LEETAH: Oh... You and Brace must get so *lonely*! It's *wrong* to be alive and not be able to *live*! VoM: *sigh* Well, it is a long story, I guess... and I'm not going to start it now. It didn't used to be so bad, but lately I became pretty bored with being "Door"-- that's why I am so glad Frank has given me a way to be with others! SCOUTER: Uh, Frank? Did you have anything to do with this... Recognition between Dewshine and that... bird elf? Dewshine is *so* unhappy... LEETAH: Please, Scouter-- no one can truly *plan* Recognition-- I should know! [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: Look, I'm really sorry about that-- I really am. But, I can't force *Recognition* on anyone! I'm not sure *anyone* can truly choose *that*! [Scene switches to the grotto; Nightfall looks over at Redlance wistfully...] SKYWISE: Say, Frank-- do you have a bond-bird too? I was just with Aroree, and-- [Just then, Briersting's ears prick up... The Wolfriders listen. Faintly, through layers and layers of rock comes a thin thread of sound. It is the call of their wolf-friends howling in the twilight before dawn...] SKYWISE: [runs to wall; presses his ear against it] *Wait*! That sounds like-- yes, I'm *sure* of it now! Starjumper! He's rejoined the pack! LEETAH: That means-- Nightrunner... doesn't need looking after any more... [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: [genuine concern] Nightrunner?? *Dead*?? Oh, that's just *awful*! Just-- wait-- just a minute... [Frank runs off out of the scene; we can hear some activity going on in the distance somewhere outside the scene.] DR. C: [outside the scene] Frank? What are you *doing*?? FRANK: [outside the scene] Nightrunner is dead!! DR. C: [outside the scene] Well, so..? It's just a stupid *wolf* for crying out loud! FRANK: [outside the scene] *Just* a wolf?? DR. C: [outside the scene] Fraaaaank, you *knew* that was going to happen soon anyway, and-- wait, Frank-- what are you-- oh, no-- no, not *that*-- c'mon-- this is *really* stupid! FRANK: [outside the scene] I just want to join the howl with the wolf-guys! DR. C: [outside the scene] You're gonna be howling in *pain* in just a moment! Just let them mourn in *peace*, OK? [Frank runs back into the scene-- he is carrying Nummy Muffin Coocol Runner under one arm; he then holds NMCR so that its head is bent upward as if howling. Frank then tilts his own head back and lets forth a very broken, but sincere, howl. A few seconds pass, and Dr. Claytimmain enters the scene looking quite angry; Frank is still howling-- tears start to run down Frank's face...] [Scene switches to the grotto; the Wolfriders are howling over the loss of Nightrunner. The howl continues for a moment and then stops.] SKYWISE: [tears still in his eyes] Y'know, ordinarily, the sight of Frank *howling* with that "wolf-friend" of his would have had me rolling on the ground in *laughter*... But, not now it isn't... CUTTER: Frank? Thanks. [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: [blushing slightly] Gee... thanks guys! DR. C: [almost sincere] Frank? Y'know, that was a very kind and sweet thing you just did. Tell you what-- why don't you howl *again*, but *this* time, would you mind holding this rock up against your throat..? [Dr. C hands Frank a piece of rock about the size of his head.] FRANK: [slightly suspicious] Uh... *why*? DR. C: Ohhh, let's just say it'll help you howl better, OK? [evil grin] [Frank appears a bit puzzled, but he holds the rock up against his throat, tilts his head back again, and starts to howl once more. Dr. C then shapes the rock so it completely surrounds Frank's throat-- and then very slowly changes its shape so as to force Frank's head even *further* back. As his head continues to be forced further back, Frank's howls of sorrow gradually become labored yelps of *pain*...] FRANK: *ack* *aaaa* *aaakkkk* [Frank stumbles around as he tugs at the stone "collar" around his neck] DR. C: Oh, go push the button, Frank... FRANK: [still trying to pull the collar off] [rather labored] By this time *aaak* my lungs... *gasp* were aching... *wheeze* for air..! DR. C: [exasperated] Just *end* the thing already, Frank! | \ | / PWOOSH! --- O --- / | \ | ...you know the rest! ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \115: Secrets... secrets... secrets... Winnowill has secrets. Two-Edge has secrets. Even the *Wolfriders* have secrets... Coming next: "The Secret of the Mad High Ones!" It's strong enough for an elf, but made for a human! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1995 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to construct paper flying Tyldaks, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. The preceding is a work of fiction using characters and story elements developed and owned by WaRP Graphics (Elfquest) and Best Brains, Inc. (Mystery Science Theater 3000) Neither of these companies hold any responsibility for the content of this fanfic, nor is any endorsement expressed or implied. _Monopoly_ and _Risk_ are trademarks of Parker Brothers, and _Hungry Hungry Hippos_ is a trademark of Milton Bradley. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. "The most exciting book today / Is now delighting the in-fo highway! / It's DeLovely! It's Dynamic! It's DeElfquest!!"