MET \5670 Show \115 --Rev 1.00 Originally posted on June 29, 1995 It's been over four months. Just when you thought it was safe to read news again... _Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_ So now, after much delay, comes the unlucky 13th episode in the series, namely: Show \115: "The Secret of the Mad High Ones" Since it's been so long since the previous episode, however, let's take a few minutes to review the situation by means of this little pop quiz: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ USE A #2 PENCIL ONLY -- YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THIS TEST 1. The title of this fanfic series is: a) Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights b) Misery Inquest-- Teaching Physics Serenades c) Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine d) Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying 2. The basic purpose of this series is to: a) Waste as much disk space and bandwidth as possible b) Annoy EQUEST-L listmembers with posts which are over 30k in length c) Make Richard Pini wish he had never supported these discussion groups in the first place d) All of the above 3. According to this fanfic series, who was really responsible for devising the basic Elfquest story? a) Two Earth-humans who live in Poughkeepsie, New York b) Two High Ones who live on the World of Two Moons c) Some guy from Iowa d) It was all Cutter's idea, really. 4. The two main characters of this series are known collectively as the Mad High Ones. What are they known as individually? a) Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank b) Fargo North, Decoder and Crank c) Pinky and the Brain d) Pink Lady and Jeff 5. Where do the Mad High Ones live? a) In a modest bungalow outside Peoria b) In Blue Mountain c) In the Palace d) In a tree where they bake cookies to sell to Earth-humans 6. Unlike most elves, the Mad High Ones have displayed a talent for inventing things. What invention have they been working on for the last couple of episodes? a) Instant pudding b) Sneakers with a built-in air pump c) Wrapstuff packaged in convenient aerosol cans d) Shoulder Pork and Ham Processed Luncheon Meat 7. In the previous episode, the Mad High Ones played a game with Two-Edge and lost. What was the game they played? a) Chess b) Toss-stone c) Twister d) Hungry Hungry Hippos 8. Thanks to the Mad High Ones, the spirit of the female Door has been "out" for quite a while. She adopted a name for her freed spirit, which has often been abbreviated in this series as "VoM." What does "VoM" stand for? a) Volt-Ohm Meter b) Voice of Music c) Voice of Magic d) Violet-Orange-Magenta PLEASE STOP NOW. PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ As usual, previous episodes of Mystery Elfquest Theater are available for anonymous ftp at ftp.lupine.com, or by email request to me at mkuhn@cs.uiowa.edu. Comments, complaints, etc. welcome! See you in x^2 + y^2 = 1 ! --Marty ============================= cut here 8<===================================== [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights, eight and five, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with the Wolfriders gathered together within Blue Mountain near the main entrance; Strongbow and Moonshade have recently left through Door.] TREESTUMP: Aye! Let Strongbow and Moonshade cool off in the woods a while! They'll be all right-- and so will *we*-- soon as I get my *axe* back! PIKE: And my *spear*! [Suddenly a profound and paternal sending enfolds Cutter and his band. Well, actually, it's just the Mad High Ones-- as indicated by the familiar sending-star symbol which starts flashing in the corner of the scene.] CUTTER: Too bad we can't just trade the Mad High Ones for those things... [big grin] [Cutter slaps a nearby stone wall at random] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five. Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are visible. Frank appears to be just now entering the scene, and is carrying something which looks like some sort of electronic testing apparatus from Earth (circa 1950's).] DR. C: Greetings, pack omegas! I see your archer-friend got a bit tired of all the hospitality here. Well, I can't exactly say I *blame* him... [grin] Oh, and Pike? Don't worry-- I'm sure you'll be able to get your spear back soon... [Frank starts to fidget slightly] [Scene switches to the Wolfriders] PIKE: I do hope that never happens again-- I don't know *where* I'd be without my spear! VOICE OF MAGIC: Pike? It's interesting that you should say that, for Frank and I sort of helped a few of your tribesmates put together a little sending scene which relates to that very topic. SKYWISE: You see, after watching those "coh-mer-shelz"-stories that Frank and Dr. Claytimmain showed us for that invention of theirs, I thought it might be fun if we could make up something like that of our own. Frank helped us come up with some ideas, and he and Voice of Magic "recorded" it! VoM: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Commercial Sign now. [Scene goes to black for a second, then switches to a moon-lit forest setting. An elf is carrying a spear and is apparently stalking a branch-horn. The elf looks like a Wolfrider, though not specifically like anyone we know. A few seconds pass silently as the elf studies his quarry in the distance...] [The elf throws the spear at the animal; the spear misses and ends up in a thick cluster of thorny brush. It is obvious that retrieving the spear will not be an easy task-- the elf looks rather upset.] LOUD OBNOXIOUS VOICE-OVER: Are you tired of spending an entire evening making a spear just to have it get lost or broken? [The elf nods his head "yes."] VO: Are you tired of spears that end up crooked or unbalanced, rendering them impossible to use? [The elf nods his head "yes" again.] VO: Well, those days are over with new Spear-O-Matic! By Frank! [A bizarre-looking device instantly appears (in a big flash of light) next to the elf-- it looks like a big metal box with a large slot on the front, a smaller opening on top, and a few levers of indecipherable purpose. The elf's eyes go wide in surprise.] VO: Yes, the new Spear-O-Matic by Frank takes any ordinary tree branch and automatically makes it into a spear-- almost *instantly*! It's so easy to use, too! Just insert a tree branch into the slot [the elf does so] and Spear-O-Matic quickly carves it into a perfectly balanced form! [loud grinding noises are heard; sawdust is flying out of the back of the Spear-O-Matic] VO: Place an ordinary chunk of flint into the exclusive Spearhead Knap-Time receptacle [the elf does so; louder grinding noises are heard], and the Spear-O-Matic will cut a perfectly matching spear head! Spear-O-Matic will even attach the finished spear head to the spear as well-- all automatically! [a bell goes "ding!", and a finished spear is ejected from an opening at the front of the Spear-O-Matic; the elf picks up the spear and hefts it] VO: See how easy that was? And what a spear! [elf smiles; another branch-horn appears nearby-- elf throws the new spear at it; perfect shot-- the animal is killed instantly and cleanly] [quick cut to elves happily feasting on the kill; the original elf turns to us and says, "Thank you, Spear-O-Matic!" ] VO: Yes, new Spear-O-Matic! By Frank! Get yours today! Available at all fine troll forges everywhere! [Scene goes black for a second, then switches to Deep E-a-F-- Dr. C looks really angry, and Frank is wearing a sort of fearful grin.] DR. C: [yelling] *FRANK*! FRANK: [mock-innocent look] Uh... Yes? DR. C: I thought I *told* you *never* to do that again! FRANK: Well... yeah, but-- DR. C: And what a *ridiculous* idea-- "Spear-O-Matic--" I mean, *really*! FRANK: Well, I don't know... DR. C: At least there couldn't be anything *dumber* going on with the Wolfriders today... [long pause-- Dr. C and Frank just sort of look at each other-- Frank looks like he's trying to avoid saying something...] DR. C: Uh... Could there..? [Scene switches to the Wolfriders] CUTTER: Alright, everyone, it's the Winnowill Song! Hit it, Voice of Magic! [Upbeat 70's-style music starts up; everyone starts dancing the Frug or its Abodean equivalent. Unfortunately, most of the audience probably won't recognize what the *tune* is supposed to be, but fortunately, that really isn't very important...] ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! CUTTER: She's the source of all our pain! (Yeah!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! SKYWISE: Black sends everyone all day! (That's right!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! REDLANCE: Told us that she's a High One! (Ha!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! ONE-EYE: Keeps the humans as her pets! (Ewww!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! LEETAH: She's a healer inside-out! (Ooh yah!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! PIKE: Wish she'd Recognize a troll! (Ha ha!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! NIGHTFALL: Held everyone captive here! (Yeah!) ALL: Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! CUTTER: [yelling out loud] Take it Frank! [Switch to Deep E-a-F; we still hear the instrumentals faintly in the background. Dr. C is looking over at Frank with visibly increasing rage.] FRANK: [sort of caught off guard; not really following the music] Um, uh... Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! Uh... She's... um.. not very nice at all..! [looks over at Dr. C; Dr. C glares silently at Frank; Frank starts getting more embarrassed] Um... uh... Winno-WILL! Uh, uh... Winno-WILL! Uh, Thinks that... people... [really winding down now] um... come from... trees... uh... [pause] [quickly; in desperation] Take it Dr. Claytimmain! DR. C: [angry; to Frank] I'm not taking *anything*, Frank! [to the WR's] And as for *you* beastmasters, laugh it up while you still can..! Especially, *you*, Chief flea-feast! [evil grin] [to Frank] C'mon Frank-- we've got to go and make sure we'll be able to get Petalwing before-- [Dr. C suddenly notices the strange object Frank is carrying] Uh, by the way, what's that... *thing* you brought back with you..? [Scene switches to the Wolfriders; lots of mysterious flashing lights and buzzers; everyone is running around in circles like ravvits or something...] CUTTER: We've got TwoMoons Sign!! [Scene goes black for a few seconds] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [WOTM-TV logo] You're viewing WOTM-TV. Later this day, stay tuned for the new hit game show, _Twedge!_ Watch as contestants try to solve puzzles-- but can they really trust our secret assistant..? It's Fun, Frustration, and Fabulous Prizes! And it's all *here* on WOTM-TV! [Scene goes black for a second, then fades up with some scenes featuring various social activities where everyone is drinking the same beverage-- sometimes they drink from cans, sometimes bottles, and sometimes pour it into glasses. The drink is purple in color, and the cans and bottles share the same wolf-head design and say "Purple Wolf" in large letters. A jingle is heard over the visuals-- it is sung in a sort of four-part harmony with a minimal musical accompaniment which primarily serves as a means of "punctuating" some of the lyrics.] [jingle] Where there's life-- (dooder-a-dooter-dooterit-doot!) There's Wolf! (bum-- bum!) Af-ter a hunt or at a howl, Whether thinking ahead, Or lost in the Now-- Pur-ple-Wolf-brew makes it great somehow! Where there's life-- (dooder-a-dooter-dooterit-doot!) There's Wolf! Pur-ple-Wolf! [end jingle] [brief fade to black] [fade up; jingle starts-- jingle is accompanied by a fast-edit montage of scenes at some sort of amusement park. Jingle is very cheery, bright and up-tempo; the two singers sometimes "trade" lines back and forth, sometimes sing in duet.] [jingle] Questland! Join the Quest today! Great rides! Fun adventure! You too can live the Way! There's lots of excitement! It's a great place to be! Meet all of the Wolfriders As they hunt, howl, and live free-ee-ee! Questland! Join the Quest *today*! [jingle ends; peppy music continues in the background] [announcer voice over; visuals change to some scenes which feature a large mechanical bird which appears to be moving via a suspended cable system strung high over the ground.] VO: At Questland, we put the "ad" back in "adventure!" The tradition continues with our newest attraction-- it's not your *ordinary* roller coaster ride-- It's "Lord Voll's Final Flight!" Oh, yes, it *starts* out calmly enough-- but you'd better hang on *tight* once you hear that "THUNGG!" [the mechanical bird lurches and then plummets as if the suspension cables just snapped] --and you fall fall *fall* to the ground far below! [bird apparently crashes to the ground, but we don't see it actually hit bottom] Are you brave enough to face "Lord Voll's Final Flight..?" The latest in our "Troll War!" action-land! [jingle reprise] Questland! Join the Quest *today*! [go to black] [WOTM-TV logo] And now, let's return to Mystery Elfquest Theater. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. Claytimmain is fuming about *something*. He is holding an aerosol can in his hand, and both he and Frank are partially covered in wrapstuff.] FRANK: Now, Dr. Claytimmain, it wasn't *my* fault-- *you* thought it was a good idea *too*, you know! [Dr. C fumes and glares at Frank] FRANK: C'mon-- don't get upset-- we'll find something else! DR. C: Now, Frank, would *I* punish you just because *you* came up with this stupid idea in the first place..? Not to mention all the time and trouble we put into trying to find backers on the Earth-world? *And* all that wealth we lost trying to *promote* the thing..? Would *I* do something horrible to you just for that? FRANK: [fidgeting] Uh... Yes..? DR. C: Well, you're *right*, Frank, I would! You *bet* I would! But-- *sigh* [more calmly; almost depressed] I'm not. I just... don't feel like it right now. I guess I've got too much on my mind... FRANK: Hmm... Oh, by the way... DR. C: Now what? FRANK: Well, today, Cutter's going to face-off with Winnowill, right? DR. C: Of course, Frank. Fortunately, that's something which doesn't require much "arrangement" on our part... FRANK: ...But, don't you think it might be nice if the Earth-humans who will read about this in the next issue of the comic book were to find out a bit more about the Wolfriders' background..? After all, we'll lose out on letting Cutter actually *tell* the story out loud to Lord Voll and the others. DR. C: Hmm. True. Although, we really couldn't let Lord Voll find out about that anyway... FRANK: Yeah... But how are we going to put all that background information into the symbol loop if it doesn't really *happen* in some way..? I mean, we had that story about Madcoil a while back, but Cutter was actually *telling* the story at the time. And then there was that scene we just had with Strongbow-- but he really *did* send those images out. So, how can we do this? DR. C: Oh, that's simple, Frank. We'll just write in a "flashback" when we do the editing later. FRANK: What..? DR. C: *sigh* What we'll do is insert some scenes into the loop of our design-- with our own narration on top of them-- which tell a quick summary of what happened in the past. That's called a "flashback," you see. FRANK: Ah. DR. C: It's sort of like that short introduction we wrote for the first issue of the comic book, except that we wrote that while we made our original plans for the "story." [thinking] Hmm. That reminds me-- since the events which we've set up for *this* comic book issue don't take much time *here* to occur, perhaps we should just take care of this little problem right now. Tell you what-- you know the story of the Wolfriders better than I do-- why don't you just lock-send with Pini Predestinator there, and he can do the actual shaping of the flashback into the loop. FRANK: Okay, but, uh, how does that work..? I mean, the "flashback" scenes aren't *actually* going to happen-- won't that mess up the symbol loop if they just get inserted into the regular loop..? DR. C: No, Frank, because a "flashback" doesn't actually take any *real* time in the present-- Pini Predestinator will simply create a sub-loop whose ends are attached between the two symbols on the main loop which represent the point in the story we want the flashback to occur. Understand? FRANK: Well, uh... No. DR. C: *sigh* Just don't worry about it, OK? Pini Predestinator will take care of the rest by himself. Just include me in with your lock-send so I can be sure there aren't any mistakes. FRANK: Okay. [Frank starts his lock-send of words and images] ** Long ago... Long ago... In the land of the frozen mountains-- a land gripped by crushing cold ** [As Frank continues his sending, the scene goes black briefly to indicate a brief passage of time. We can see that the symbol-loop has become more tangled with the addition of this continuously growing sub-loop] FRANK: ** ...It made them strong, swift and sturdy, equal to any challenge --It tied them beyond all untying to the world and its cycle of life. And if the price was mortality, no one knew it-- for rare, indeed, was the Wolfrider who died peacefully of old age! ** [speaking out loud] How was that, Dr. Claytimmain? DR. C: Very *nice*, Frank. I didn't know you had it in you! Such drama! Such eloquence! FRANK: [red-faced] Aww... gee... DR. C: ...Such vivid images of... Timmain and that... Timmorn... *ugh* I still can't believe Timmain would have done such a thing-- but, I have to admit that it really *did* work out for the best in the end... [lock-sending] ** Frank? Remember how it *used* to be..? Before the crash? When we all used to travel through the stars? ** [imagery of the "coneheads" in the sphere] FRANK: ** Yeah... ** DR. C: ** We were never considered very important to the group... We weren't part of the "sphere--" and we never guided... We were known more for our little practical jokes more than anything else... and we two always seemed to be together-- keeping our little jokes and secrets to ourselves... We were always co-conspirators-- we even came up with little "false names" for ourselves-- names which we still go by a variation of even now. I became "Doctorer Clay-Timmain" and you-- ** FRANK: ** I was "Frank Open Send"... Yeah... Remember how we gave those names to each other..? Your name-- Oh, that was just *great*! I *loved* how you-- ** DR. C: ** Well, yes, it *was* pretty good, but nobody else thought it was very funny once the ruse was discovered... Nobody except the trolls, anyway. It's almost ironic how Timmain's actions here ended up being so important to-- Well, anyway, though these "false names" started out as just our own little way of communicating with each other privately, we later tried to get the others to call us by those names as well-- and no one could understand *why* anyone would want to be referred to as something other than their true name... ** FRANK: ** Yeah... Everyone thought we were *really* strange then... ** DR. C: ** ...But, y'know-- it's interesting-- the others all thought us odd because of our little jokes and tricks, but it seems that's what *saved* us after the... fall... ** FRANK: ** The... fall..? ** DR. C: ** That's right, Frank. Y'know, I never understood this at the time-- I couldn't figure out *why* the burrowers didn't like the others in our group. Everyone was *kind* enough to them, I thought-- we kept them fed and sheltered, we never harmed them, and they got to live with us immortals-- what *else* could they want? But *now*, I think I see what happened-- and why the burrowers tried to keep us two from the horrible fate which befell our brethren... Hmm. Frank..? Maybe comedy can be *useful* sometimes-- it was the fact that *we* played jokes on the others-- just as they did-- which made the burrowers trust us enough to help us escape. I suppose they figured we were kindred spirits of a sort. We didn't see the other "firstcomers" for a while, but we could certainly *feel* them-- ** FRANK: ** That's odd-- I don't remember a lot of this... All I remember is that we got stranded on this world, and lots of us *died* and that we need to get the Palace back... I forgot most of the details. ** DR. C: ** --the *pain*! The *screaming*! The-- ?? ** [now speaking out loud; the images from the lock-sending dissipate. The Pini Predestinator symbol loop looks more convoluted and unbalanced than it was before, but no one seems to notice this.] Uh, what do you *mean* you don't remember..? This was the most *tragic* moment in our existence, and you *forgot*?? How is *that* possible? FRANK: Oh, I guess I just decided to forget those events and just wiped them from my mind. Boy, now that you've sent me those images, I'm glad I did! DR. C: [surprised] You wiped..? Y-- Frank! I never knew you could do *that*! Why didn't you ever tell me that *before*?? FRANK: Hmm? Of course I told-- [realizes something] er, wait a minute... DR. C: Tell me-- can you wipe the memories of *other* elves..? FRANK: Well, uh... Yeah... I think I've even tried that... once... maybe... a long time ago... DR. C: Do you think you could demonstrate it right now..? This could really be *useful*, y'know? FRANK: Well, OK. What would you like to forget? DR. C: [rolling his eyes back] How about the day I met *you* in the first place! Frank! I don't mean *me*..! Try it on one of those Wolfriders or something... They forget enough as it *is*-- they'll never notice anything *new* missing. FRANK: Well, I don't know-- what would be good for them to forget? DR. C: Oh, something minor... Oh wait! I know-- let's just have them *all* forget about that dumb "Life Preserver" invention of yours so they won't ask any idiotic questions about it later. FRANK: But *that* would mean Dewshine would be the only one of the wolf-guys who were originally held captive here who would *still* know who Petalwing is! DR. C: So? That won't matter-- they won't need to know who Petalwing is until later on anyway... FRANK: But-- *then* they'd all forget about how they got the idea for doing that "Spear-O-Matic" thing! DR. C: [smiling and rubbing his hands in glee] Yes! FRANK: [a bit dejected] Okay... here goes... [Frank goes into a state of concentration for a brief moment] Hmm. I *think* it worked... That was pretty easy, y'know..? DR. C: Yeah, well, making *those* deep-in-wolf-thought elves forget anything can't be much of a challenge... Though, I must admit we'd probably never have been able to get our plan to re-gain the Palace to work without them... FRANK: [lock-sending] ** Well, after Winnowill stopped being so nice-- ** DR. C: ** Yes... when we first moved in with the Gliders, Voll and Winnowill were such good friends-- and we *thought* Winnowill might have the right idea about how to restore our race and escape-- but something *happened*... That's when we started hiding out for much of the time-- I shaped a secret cavern-- located some eight-and-four levels below the main entrance where we could live without her constant watch... ** FRANK: ** She *tried* to figure out where we made our lair, but she never *could* find it! ** DR. C: ** Anyway, one day, while we were up in the main public caverns, she came to us with a request. Of course, with *her*, it's really more of a *demand*, but-- in any case, she figured we were so good at *hiding*, perhaps I could shape *her* a secret place of her *own*. In doing so, I had to reveal the location of our own lair-- which is of course why I shaped this *new* cavern deeper into Blue Mountain where we *now* live. ** FRANK: ** Sometimes I wonder why she never got curious about the fact that we seemed to disappear again shortly after we created that new place of hers-- complete with her own "Door..." ** DR. C: ** Well, frankly, I figure she just never thought we were worth *bothering* with. Fool elf thinks she's the only one with *secrets* here... Besides, I don't think she ever really figured out that your sendings could be made undetectable to her eavesdropping-- she must have decided that if she can't detect us communicating with others outside Blue Mountain, then we must be *harmless*, at least... Anyway, it was about then that we knew for sure that Winnie was going to keep everyone here and prevent Lord Voll from ever dreaming of regaining the Palace. If the elves were ever going to have the Palace back, *we* were going to have to do it ourselves. With your sending talents, and my rock-shaping, we could *do* it! And *she* would never have to know! ** FRANK: ** So, I started "going out" to find the Palace's location by contacting the spirits of our dead brothers-- and also find out where other groups of our descendants were living. It took a while, because the spirits usually didn't remember much about where they were when they died, and it was difficult to get good geographic clues this way. Also, it turned out that the Palace was under a sheet of *ice*, and so it wouldn't be possible to retrieve it then anyway. ** DR. C: ** But, even so, we still managed to find out where the other elves were living. And eventually, the ice around the Palace melted-- but those *trolls* had moved in the area again-- and they certainly weren't going to let any elves *near* the Palace, and none of the elf tribes we had found seemed to be any real match for them, except-- ** FRANK: ** --There was that time I found the spirit of an elf just wandering about. At first, I thought she had just "gone out" like me, but *her* body was *dead*! So, that's how we found out about the wolf-guys... I watched them-- I saw their surroundings through their spirits-- and-- ** DR. C: ** --we decided we had found the solution to our problem. And eventually, the ice around the Palace melted-- but by that point, those *trolls* had moved in-- and they certainly weren't going to let any elves *near* the Palace, and none of the elf tribes we had found seemed to be any real match for them, and eventually, the ice around the Palace melted-- but by that point, those *trolls* had moved in-- and none of the ice around the other elves [...] ** [The scene which contains the lock-send continues like this in the background while Dr. C speaks out loud in the foreground. Try and picture that.] Frank? What's going on? [loud grinding and creaking noises are now heard] Something's gone wrong-- look at Pini Predestinator! [We can see that the Pini Predestinator symbol loop has gotten extremely convoluted and that P.P. appears to be having great difficulty keeping it suspended in the air-- it is wobbling erratically and looks as if it will crash into the floor at any moment. The broken sending scene is still going on in the background and is running pretty much at random.] DR. C: [somewhat panicked] Frank! Don't send! Just-- just stay right there! [Dr. C runs over to the symbol loop and re-shapes it back into where it looks more like its usual self. While this is going on, the background "sending scene" becomes intermittent and then disappears completely. Once he is done re-shaping the loop, Dr C. turns towards Frank and angrily glares at him.] FRANK: [very embarrassed] Uh, well, uh... you never told me to *stop*..! [pause -- Dr. C continues to glare silently] Uh... You want me to push the button..? DR. C: [angry] No, *I'll* push the button..! [Dr. C grabs the "Life Preserver" aerosol can and points it at Frank, holding the can at arm's length. His arm trembles slightly as he presses the button on top-- and *nothing* happens. ] | \ | / PWOOSH! --- O --- / | \ | [over dark scene] DR. C: [yelling] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!! [loud *clang* *bip* *skitter-skitter-rattle* is heard; apparently Dr. C threw the useless can of wrapstuff at the floor in rage...] FRANK: Ooops! ...you know the rest! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ READING COMPREHENSION TEST USE A #2 PENCIL ONLY -- YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THIS TEST 1. What did the reader learn from this episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater? a) Using an in-joke based on "The Sandy Frank Song" really doesn't work very well at all. b) There have been too many "Ronco" advertising parodies going on in this series lately. c) We learned too late that man is a *feeling* creature... d) All of the above 2. Which statement best describes a typical reader reaction to this episode? a) "It took four months-- for *this*??" b) "You call *that* the 'Secret of the Mad High Ones..?'" c) "When the symbol-loop got all tangled-- why did it affect the *sendings* like that..?" d) All of the above 3. What, in summation, is the Secret of the Mad High Ones as far as we can tell from this episode? a) A deodorant stick pH balanced just for humans who aren't plant life b) Forty-two c) Proof that even a comedy fanfic series can have an overblown premise d) If we knew what it was, then it wouldn't be a *secret* any more... 4. What do you think that mysterious thing is that Frank was carrying? a) A hastily contrived plot device b) A flower-counting device for Pini Predestinator c) A tactical nuclear device d) A device which will cause Dr. C to get upset with Frank yet again PLEASE STOP NOW. PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN. ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \116: Tune in next time for a ham (and lots of cheese)-fisted episode which will likely be broadcast with the ID "Radio Killed the Sending-Star." It may be full of ELF radiation, but it won't be low in hurts! ...for the *audience* anyway. Seek it out, or it will CQ! (and I always do...) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1995 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to make paper bond-birds, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. Elfquest, its characters, situations, logos, and their distinctive likenesses are trademarks of WaRP Graphics, Inc. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and other story elements are the property of Best Brains, Inc. No endorsement by WaRP Graphics or Best Brains is expressed or implied by these statements. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. Elfquest -- You Like It -- It Likes You You might have decided that the "Knap-Time" pun probably wouldn't have worked in the elfin language, but you will note that I resisted the temptation to call the contraption as a whole the "Spear-O-Mint" instead...