MET \5670 Show \116 --Rev. 1.00 Originally posted on Aug 30, 1995 NR 1 R W0TMA 37 CORALVILLE IA AUG 30 BT REC ARTS COMICS ELFQUEST BT TO ELFQUEST DISCUSSION GROUPS IT IS TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR "MYSTERY ELFQUEST THEATER FIVE-SIX-SEVEN EIGHTS" X MESSAGE FOLLOWS IS NUMBER 14 IN THE SERIES AND IS TITLED "RADIO KILLED THE SENDING STAR PART 1" X NNNN Wha--? Oh, I see. Wrong kind of "net," I guess. Apparently, it's time for another irritaining episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! Today's broadcast brings us to the 14th installment, namely: Show \116 -- "Radio Killed The Sending-Star (Part 1)" As may be a relief to some of you, today's episode is a bit shorter than the previous few. However, it will be followed fairly closely by the much-more-tedious- and-complicated Show \117-- and it shouldn't be more than a few weeks in coming, as it was fully plotted weeks ago in tandem with this one. As usual, you can send comments, complaints, QSLs, reception reports, Advisory Notices, and requests for previous episodes to me at: mkuhn@cs.uiowa.edu Previous episodes can usually be more conveniently obtained via anonymous ftp at ftp.lupine.org, in the /pub/ElfQuest/writing directory. As of this moment, however (8/30/95), lupine.org is still unavailable for ftp. Therefore, unless someone else has put these things on their site, you'll just have to request them by email from me in the meantime. Speaking of which, I have a small request for contributions: In some future episode, there will be an extended joke which will require, in part, some letters and commentary regarding this series. Instead of making up some phony joke letters for it, I'd rather try to use a few "real" ones sent in by readers. So, send in a comment or question-- be it silly or serious, positive or negative, or just plain irrelevant-- it doesn't matter-- which you wouldn't mind seeing appear in some form in a future Mystery Elfquest Theater episode, and you might just see that happen... :-) [Credit will, of course, be given to any such letters used, unless you indicate that you'd prefer anonymity.] See you in 73's! --Marty =============================== cut here 8<=============================== [header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy] VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights, eight and six, Reeeeeel one! [begin opening theme sequence] In the not too distant future, Next moon cycle A.D., The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders Knew that they still weren't really free. So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right-- "We've got to find other elf tribes and unite! If we all work together we can keep our place, It's the only way that we might preserve our race!" "This dangerous Quest is mine alone; You others must remain here!" (la-la-la) But Skywise followed Cutter anyway, To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they couldn't control Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la) But what they found exceeded all belief-- Are all elves truly one heart and mind? Wolfrider Roll Call! Cutter! ("Kinseeker!") Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!") Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**) Leetah! ("hands of healing!") One-Eye! ("Show yourself!") Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!") Treestump! ("Hello there!") Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!") Ember! ("born leader!") Redlance! ("the tree and flower!") Moonshade! ("always loyal!") Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!") Clearbrook! ("what haircut?") Suntop! ("I'm going out!") Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other elfin facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear-- This is the story that never lacks!" On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights! [end opening theme sequence] [long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds and chimes; pull back ends with Cutter and Leetah standing near Egg-- they are discussing their recent tangles with Winnowill] LEETAH: ...She wouldn't-- *couldn't* hurt Suntop and Ember! Could she..? [Cutter flashes a serious look to Leetah and nods.] [Suddenly, the ever-familiar sending-star symbol starts flashing in the corner of the scene...] CUTTER: [mood lightening somewhat] Well, at least *these* two wouldn't... [Cutter looks for something nearby to slap with his hand, but not wanting to disturb the Great Egg, he shrugs and decides to stomp the floor with his foot instead.] [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five. Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank are visible. Frank is in the background sitting at a table-- the table is cluttered with a jumble of metal boxes with lots of knobs and dials on them, and wires connecting them are strung all over the place. Some folks on Earth might recognize it as (well-used) amateur radio equipment from the 1950's or so-- more specifically, it looks like there's a Heathkit DX-100 transmitter, a Hallicrafters S-76 communications receiver, and various odds and ends including a Heathkit RF signal generator (which will be recognized as the thing Frank was carrying with him in the previous episode). Frank is holding a microphone in one hand, and flipping through a copy of the _FCC Rule Book_ with the other. There's also a copy of the _ARRL Operating Manual_ open on the table.] DR. C: A greeting to you, "Healer's light!" And you too... "Home to Fleas," or... whatever you are... [grin] Frank and I are really busy today-- it seems that this... "friend" of Frank's on the Earth-world sent him this radio-sending equipment. Apparently, he wanted Frank to perform a little experiment to see if our sending magic works anything like their radio technology. FRANK: [setting the microphone down on the table] Yeah! He sent us this "RF signal generator," [points to it] but no matter how I turned this frequency control, I couldn't detect any sending from it. I even tried wrapping this wire around my head, but all that did was make my head ache when Dr. Claytimmain turned this "RF Output" thing all they way. ...But, look at this neat radio transmitter and receiver he sent us! [Frank makes a sweep of his hand to indicate all the equipment on the table] And, with these books and this official call-sign he sent [points to a placard with "W0TMA" engraved on it], we can make our own radio-sends just like humans do on the Earth-world! [Frank puts down the book, and picks up the microphone. Frank turns back to the equipment and re-adjusts some knobs on the transmitter-- some static-y hissing noises can be heard.] DR. C: [quietly; to the WR's] To tell the truth, I don't quite understand how this all works-- or even what use we could possibly have for it, but Frank's having fun, and... [thinks a moment, then realizes something] Wait a minute... FRANK: [keys mic; speaking into mic] CQ... CQ... This is Whiskey-Zero- Tango-Meta-Alfa... Calling CQ... CQ... CQ... DR. C: [to Frank] Uh, Frank..? FRANK: [continuing as before; ignoring Dr. C] CQ... CQ... CQ... DR. C: FRANK!! FRANK: [releases key of microphone] [to Dr. C] What? DR. C: Frank, these "radio waves" you're transmitting-- are they strong enough to reach other worlds..? FRANK: Uh, no, I don't *think* so... DR. C: And, uh, Frank, just *how* many others are there on *this* world who have one of those radio transmitter or receiver things..? FRANK: No one that I know of... DR. C: So, Frank, what I'm trying to say is-- WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?? FRANK: [pause] Gee. I hadn't thought of that. No wonder I can't seem to pick up any contacts. Well, I guess I'll just have to forget it-- DR. C: Good. Now stop all that foolishness and-- FRANK: --until I can give someone *else* around here a radio so *they* can listen to my "radio sends!" DR. C: Good for you, Frank, I knew you'd see-- [suddenly realizes what Frank said] No, Frank. You can't do *that*. FRANK: Why not? DR. C: Because, cracked-egg, if you *did* that, then everyone would find out about us and our contacts on another world! FRANK: But, the wolf-guys *already* know about all that. DR. C: That's true, yes, but... Oh, Frank? You weren't actually thinking of giving a radio to the Wolfriders, were you..? FRANK: [shrinks back a bit] Uh... Weeeeeellllll... Maybe. [Dr. C just stands there and fumes...] [Scene switches to Cutter and Leetah] CUTTER: Frank? I'm not exactly sure we even *want* one of those... "ray-dee-oh" things. We can send well enough without one! Besides, I don't know if its magic would work for us. [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] FRANK: Oh, don't worry-- it will! Maybe Skywise would be interested; he-- DR. C: Frank? Just forget it. This is really dumb. I don't know why you let that Earth-friend of yours send you all this in the *first* place. On the other hand, I will say that I'm rather impressed that you were able to move all this away from Egg's cavern by yourself without being seen by anyone! [Frank cringes slightly, but Dr. C doesn't seem to notice this.] [Scene switches to Cutter and Leetah] LEETAH: Say, uh, Frank? Dr. Claytimmain? I have... a question I'd like to ask if I may... [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Frank has put down the microphone and is getting out of his seat to walk over to where Dr. C is.] DR. C: Certainly, Leetah-- be my guest. [Scene switches to Cutter and Leetah] LEETAH: I know I stopped Cutter from killing... I mean, he really wanted to kill Winnowill, but... I wish there was something I could do about her-- I think she needs some help, and I'm not sure she is truly well in mind. [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] DR. C: *sigh* Well, Leetah... I think you just answered your own question. Perhaps you'll see later on. However, I *don't* think she's about to allow anyone to change her now-- I'm not sure *anyone* can help her at this point. [Scene switches to Cutter and Leetah] LEETAH: Hmm. Well, I think we should at least tell Lord Voll about Winnowill and her plans before-- Say, do *you* think Winnowill could hurt our cubs..? [Scene switches to Deep E-a-F] [Dr. C and Frank sort of look at each other and then look straight ahead again.] DR. C: Hmm... I wouldn't put *too* much past her... and as a matter of fact, knowing Winnowill, I'd guess you might just find out... [grin] Well, anyway, it's time for our latest invention! Remember last time, when Life Pr-- Oh, heh-- of *course* you don't! [Dr. C smiles at Frank; Frank just stands there, perhaps a bit embarrassed] ...But, lately we've been thinking about something. A while ago, our publishing contacts on the Earth-world started something called "The Official Elfquest Fan Club." No, this has nothing to do with people waving feathers in front of themselves to keep cool-- *these* fans are humans who really enjoy these Elfquest stories, and they've formed an organization for discussing Elfquest-related topics among themselves. You might not believe this, but *some* of these humans even go so far as to try to make up their *own* fictional characters and stories which take place on our world..! [both Dr. C and Frank snicker] With all that in mind, we figure that after our recent failures, perhaps we should try a "safer" means of promotion-- namely, to capitalize on an already existent marketing base. Therefore, what we'd like to do is offer the club a contest of some sort-- with us providing the *prize* to the human that wins! We haven't yet had time to work out all the details, but I think we'll have a few days available pretty soon! [grin] With that, I think I should give you two leave-- you've still got lots to do in the meantime..! [grin] [Scene switches to Cutter and Leetah] LEETAH: Wonder what they meant by that... CUTTER: Oh, who knows... [lots of flashing lights and sounds; Cutter and Leetah run around, but Egg seems unaffected by the sudden commotion.] We've got TwoMoons Sign! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- [WOTM-TV logo appears] VO: You're viewing WOTM-TV. Be here later for the exciting toss-ball championships-- broadcast live on WOTM-TV and on radio WTMA! [Scene switches to what must be the showroom of a Grohmul Motors dealership, but it is visible for only a second or two, as the scene suddenly goes back to the WOTM-TV logo. Instead of the usual announcer, however, it seems that the author's voice is what is heard as the voice-over.] VO: Hello. As a sort of tribute, instead of transcribing commercials from those mysterious "WOTM-TV" tapes Frank sent me a while back, I'd like to present something a bit different instead during this "commercial break." As you may have noticed, the Mad High Ones-- and particularly Frank-- have been watching tapes of our television programs. Well, some of those tapes are ones I recorded when I lived in the St. Louis area several years ago, and these contained a number of local commercials which Frank apparently took a particular liking to. Seems that Frank designed a few... "variations" of our advertisements which we never saw appear in Voice of Magic's "Commercial Signs." I've cleaned up and re-formatted a few of the better ones-- see what you think... [Scene goes black for a moment, and then switches to Cutter and Skywise sitting on the Bridge of Destiny-- they are smiling and frantically waving at us.] SKYWISE: Thanks Sun Village! You made us tops in town last year! CUTTER: Hi, I'm Cutter! SKYWISE: And I'm Skywise! CUTTER & SKYWISE: And we're the Soul Brothers! [Scene switches to the exterior of a typical appliance store on Earth. Cutter and Skywise are standing in front of a large panel van, seen from the rear. The door of the van is raised up (open). Skywise has a dolly cart and has apparently just loaded a large box into the van.] CUTTER: Thanks, Sun Village, for making us number one again! SKYWISE: We won't knowingly be undersold on quality 2-E appliances! [Skywise pushes the box (which has a big "2-E" logo on it) further into the truck.] CUTTER: *Shop* Troll Riley, *shop* Picknose, *shop* Elf-Ears, but *before* you buy, come see Soul Brothers! CUTTER & SKYWISE: Ok, mom, take 'er away! [The view shifts slightly so we can see Timmain stick her head out of the driver's side window of the cab and look back towards us. She pulls her head back in and revs up the truck engine.] [Scene goes black for a second, then switches to a typical furniture store on Earth. Redlance and Strongbow are standing in the foreground. Redlance has a microphone in one hand. Strongbow is carrying his bow and quiver as usual.] REDLANCE: [indirectly into microphone] Hi, I'm Redlance here at Holt Furniture in downtown Forbidden Grove where there's no zwooting around! Today, I'm talking to everyone's favorite taciturn archer, Strongbow, to see just what makes him angry! [to Strongbow] Strongbow, what if someone were to take all your arrows and replace them with wet reeds? Would that make you mad? [holds mic towards Strongbow] STRONGBOW: [open sends despite the implied invitation to speak] ** No, I'd just say they were completely pointless. ** REDLANCE: [directs mic toward himself] Well, what if someone walked up to you and said you had a flat butt? Would *that* make you mad..? [holds mic towards Strongbow] STRONGBOW: ** No, but I'd probably think that I was a little behind. ** REDLANCE: [directs mic toward himself] What if you went on a hunt-- and you and your wolf friend fell in a den full of white-stripes? Now, would *that* make you mad? [holds mic towards Strongbow] STRONGBOW: ** No, I'd just say the whole thing stinks. ** REDLANCE: [directs mic toward himself] Well-- what if you just bought new furniture and found you had to pay for delivery and carrying charges and lots of *zwooting around* charges because you didn't go to Holt Furniture in downtown Forbidden Grove?? Would *that* make you mad?? [holds mic towards Strongbow] [what is very obviously two elves in a rather shabby zwoot costume walk into the scene] STRONGBOW: [very angrily] **Now *that* would make me *mad*!!** [Strongbow quickly draws and fires an arrow at the "zwoot"-- the arrow sticks in some padding obviously placed for this very purpose, and the "zwoot" stumbles around a bit.] REDLANCE: [directs mic toward himself] So c'mon down to Holt Furniture in downtown Forbidden Grove where there's *no* *zwooting* *around*!! [Strongbow has run to the background where he's apparently taking out his further anger on the "zwoot."] [Scene switches to WOTM-TV logo; author's voice is heard once more] VO: Well, I think that's enough for now-- at least you didn't have to see his variants of the "Pool Mart" or "Leonard's [Muntz] TV" ads! Of course, for most of you, you probably have *no* idea what you just saw, but, eh, what *else* is new with this series? Speaking of which, it's time to get back to "Mystery Elfquest Theater..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five; Dr. C and Frank are discussing something...] DR. C: Okay, Frank-- we know about the attraction that thick-headed archer holds for the female readers-- what they see in him, I have *no* idea, but-- how about a "Win a Date With Strongbow" contest? FRANK: Oh, I don't know... I really doubt that Strongbow would ever cooperate with us on that. I mean, he's not exactly fond of humans as it is, and he doesn't appear to seek pleasure outside of his lifemate... DR. C: Ok, I guess you're right. Besides, that prize wouldn't appeal to everyone anyway. What if it were more open-ended-- say, "Win a Night on the World of Two Moons?" I mean, the main attraction of this sort of thing would be just the basic *idea* of actually getting to meet the elves and see their world. I suppose it wouldn't *hurt* to allow the readers to fantasize whatever *else* they figure might be possible with such a prize, but at least that way we don't have to promise anything besides transportation, and the elves can respond as they will to any such requests for companionship. FRANK: But-- are you sure we can even *transport* a human through Egg? I've never tried sending a live creature that way-- I'm not sure it would even work. Besides, humans are pretty big, y'know... DR. C: Well, I guess we'll have to test something along those lines first. Of course, we'd still have to keep the whole transfer secret-- especially from *her*-- and given the way things are probably going to happen around here soon, I'm not sure we'd have an easy time getting away with that. Say, are you hungry? I think we've still got some of that Earth-human food around here... FRANK: Sounds OK to me... Someday, we're going to have to find out who this "Chef Boyardee" human is and find out how he fixes this stuff-- apparently-- all by *himself*-- he's able to make enough food to feed thousands of people every *day*! DR. C: I have no idea how they do that-- there's also this "Betty Crocker" human who does something like that too. Then, there's "Colonel Sanders--" from what I can see, he's able to not only *cook* all that food, but *serve* it himself in eating-places all *over* their world! FRANK: Oh, I think they just made that last one up-- just like they made up those other elves who live in a tree and bake cookies all day. DR. C: Well maybe... I don't know... Maybe it works something like that "Santa Claus" who delivers gifts to *all* the humans in *one* night! ...But then, I have some questions about *that* as well. Anyway, let's discuss this later-- I'm hungry! [Dr. C walks off to fix their meal-- Frank watches to make sure he's gone, and then silently "claps" his hands with glee! He quickly grabs something off the table, and sneaks out of the room...] [Scene switches to the Wolfriders carefully tracking for Winnowill in her "secret" tunnels. Frank is hiding in an alcove. As the Wolfriders approach, Frank makes a "psst!" noise to attract their attention. The Wolfriders are startled-- and even after they see who it is, they're still pretty surprised...] FRANK: Hi there! CUTTER: [relieved] Well, I never thought I'd ever live to see with my own eyes... STRONGBOW: [angry; starts to send-- but reconsiders and speaks instead] I should have known you two had something to do with this! Where is Suntop?! We want him back *now*!! FRANK: No! Wait! Look! I don't have Suntop-- we really didn't have anything to do with that-- and Winnowill doesn't know I'm here! I just left Deep Eight-and-Five for a moment so I could give you this without Dr. Claytimmain finding out... [Frank hands Skywise a small battery- operated AM transistor radio.] SKYWISE: [inspecting his new treasure with great curiosity] Thanks... What is it-- what does it-- how do I work it? FRANK: Well, this is a radio-sending receiver, sort of like what Cutter and Leetah saw earlier, but a lot smaller. You can't *send* with it, but you will be able to receive my radio-sends with it. You just push down against this wheel with your thumb here (Frank indicates the on-off-volume control) to start it, and you make it louder or softer by moving the wheel up and down with your thumb. [Skywise tries it; a soft white-noise "hiss" can be heard; Skywise adjusts the loudness up and down] When you aren't listening to it, you should switch it off by turning the wheel back-- to where it was the quietest-- until you feel it "click." [Skywise does so] This lets it "rest"-- remember, there is only a certain amount of power stored in this radio, and it won't work once that power is used up. SKYWISE: What does this other wheel do? [Skywise indicates the "tuning" control] FRANK: That lets you select different radio sendings which are in range-- on the Earth-world, thousands of people can radio-send at the same time, and this wheel lets you choose one to listen to. However, since I'm the only one here with a radio transmitter, I've just fixed the wheel in place so it is set to receive sendings from my radio-sending machine only. [Skywise tries to find a place to hang the radio's wrist strap-- Skywise starts to put it around his arm, but then decides against it.] CUTTER: I still think this is pretty silly... Say, Frank, I'm glad we got to meet in person, but-- we've *got* to get back to finding Suntop! I don't suppose you have any hints you could lend us..? What about Two-Edge? Who's side is he on? FRANK: Sorry, Cutter, but there isn't much I can tell you-- I'm not supposed to be here at all as it is. I can tell you that Suntop is currently unharmed though, and I'll try to keep a watch on him until he is recovered safely. As for Two-Edge, well... I think you'll find that he isn't on anyone's side but his *own*. I think we understand him less than even *Winnowill*... [Frank makes a sour face] CUTTER: Thanks, Frank-- we'll respect your silence. [Strongbow fumes] FRANK: Well uh, perhaps we'll meet again sometime after all this is over with... CUTTER: I would hope to say so! I think. [grin] SKYWISE: Thanks for the "ray-dee-oh", Frank! [Skywise tries tucking the radio inside his belt with reasonable success] FRANK: Until later, then! [whisper] Oh, and watch out for snakes..! [Frank sneaks away as the Wolfriders continue on their hunt for Winnowill-- and Suntop.] ...you know the rest! ---------- COMING UP: MET \5670 -- Show \117: Let's see... Tenspan and Lord Voll get shot down and killed by a giant crossbow bolt... One-Eye gets killed in battle... Winnowill confronts the Mad High Ones... Yes, it looks like another fun- filled, laugh-packed episode! Ha! You slay me! Find out what happens to who and how in "Radio Killed the Sending-Star (Part 2)!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (c) 1995 by Martin Kuhn. Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums, use printed copies to make origami rocks, or whatever, provided these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested. Elfquest, its characters, situations, logos, and their distinctive likenesses are trademarks of WaRP Graphics, Inc. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and other story elements are the property of Best Brains, Inc. No endorsement by WaRP Graphics or Best Brains is expressed or implied by these statements. This parody was written in the spirit of fun, and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies or their products. Elfquest-- Known For Quality the World Over Should WaRP Graphics ever actually want to hold a "Win a Night on the World of Two Moons" contest (assuming they *could*), let me know, because I'd want to be first in line to enter... :-) SPECIAL DISCLAIMER: This episode contained scenes depicting usage of amateur radio equipment in a manner contrary to United States FCC regulations. While the call sign Frank used would be legitimate for a Technician class licensee living in Iowa (or certain surrounding states), it is not one assigned to the author of this work, nor has Frank passed the proper licensing or testing procedures. No malice is intended towards any coincidental legitimate bearer of said call sign, if one is extant. Also, although modifying a Heathkit DX-100 transmitter-- which already has capability for AM operation on the 160M band from the factory-- to operate in the nearly-adjacent United States AM commercial broadcast band would likely be very simple, operating said receiver in said band would be unlawful. If Frank lived in the USA and possessed an FCC license, he would have likely received an Advisory Notice-- or worse-- for operating out of band-- and, most likely, for interfering with commercial radio traffic. Yes, amateur radio operators deserve your respect, and it is inaccurate, fictional, portrayals like this which urk-- * Allllright, that's enough of that. :-) Actually, before anyone asks, *no*, *I* don't have an amateur radio license *either*. ...Although, the prospect of getting wireless access to the Internet via packet radio *does* have a certain appeal... :-) So, maybe, someday... Anyway, the *real* disclaimer is that the usage procedures and other technical information used in this fanfic may not necessarily be accurate. So, if any *real* "hams" are reading this, feel free to point out all the errors you find... :-) [And yes, I know that in reality, Frank probably wouldn't have been able to even *lift* that transmitter (shipping weight was originally 107 lbs. for that kit), much less do anything *else* with it... :-) ] [Now, I'm just waiting for the ARRL (in conjunction with WaRP Graphics) to come up with a "The Wolfriders' Ham Radio Adventure" comic book to replace that really corny "Archie" one they give out now... :-D ]