MET \5670 Show \120 --Rev 1.01 Originally posted on Dec 21, 1995 ============================================================================== ----------- | ^wwwww^ | E L F Q U E S T | \ . . / | | (=m=) | | U | | | ___--___ |WOLF COMICS| _-- o . --_ }-----------{ - . o - |\20 $0.00| | Mystery . . | |DEC | | . Elfquest | __---__ ----------- | . Theater | / . o \ - O . - |o . . | -__ . o __- | \5670 . | ---__--- \ . . / --___-- === === === ..... === ==........==== = ...===..====.. /\ |---__________ | / \ |----__________ /| / \ | | | | | / | | / /^\ \ | || ||/ / | / < > | \|| o o || / | ____\./____ | \ / \ --- ---- l | \ | -O O- | | __ . \| v | | L_/ / | ) | \ / | -__/ | -- / --__ ___- \ /////\\\\\\\ / - ----- \-------\ /------/ \ - | | ---- - \ ----- |------ || |\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ || | / \/ \/ \/ \/ \ \ || | \ F E A T U R I N G / --------- | / \ / ----- \ | / THE MAD HIGH ONES! (tm) (c) (r) (K) (UL) ---/ \--| | \ (PG-13) (CSA) (Fancy) -|----------|------------------ \ /\ /\ /\ (Pat. Pend.) (U) (CC) |----------| \/ \/ \/ \/ (NTSC) (RS-232) (NAB) ------------------------\ - (Grade B) (AC) * [* continued on inside front cover] ============================================================================== [* continued from front cover] _____ __ (USDA Insp.) (FCC Type Accept.) (AS-IS) \ / |__| /\ | |__ \ / (Licenced by Hazeltine Laboratories) \/\/ | | /--\ | |__ \/ (MTS) (EPA Approv. Pending) (HI-FI) _____ __ (Factory Refb.) (Reg. Penna. Agr.) \ / |__| /\ | |__ \ / (RTTY) (May Utilize Patents Owned by \/\/ | | /--\ | |__ \/ Radio Corporation of America) (MR) (IEEE-488) (Intel Inside) (stereo) (Armstrong FM) (VHS) (L.S./M.F.T.) Cheezy Fanfic Collections an (as shown) (overall diagonal measure) (UHF) (batteries not included) (S-100) ------------ (some assembly required) (ISO 9660) | | (simulated reception) (plus shipping) | | ------------ (less tubes) (Space Command remote | | | | control optional at additional cost) | | | | (O.P.A. Ceiling price) (less exchange) | | | | (tax incl.) (rebate) (As Seen on TV!) | | | | (Void where prohibited) (no coupons) ------------ | | (free gift) (subject to prior sale) | | (National Recovery Act-- We Do Our Part) ------------ * Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights * Door Street * Elfquest Action News * The Mystery Elfquest Gatherum - Back issues of Mystery Elfquest Theater available at - - ftp.lupine.org /pub/ElfQuest/writing - - or by email from mkuhn@cs.uiowa.edu - - For more merchandise, see the Mad*Shop ad elsewhere in this issue - ============================================================================== | MYSTERY | ^wwwww^ ELFQUEST \5670 | \ . . / THEATER | (=m=) (tm) | U | | WOLF COMICS | Marty Kuhn | with | Open Sending's Frank | Dr. Claytimmain | Art Marketing | Office Sales STORY | Customer and Publisher | Service Director | Production Manager | Marty Kuhn | | SCRIPT | Elfquest: Mystery Elfquest Theater | Five-Six-Seven Eights, No. \20. | December 1995. Published irregularly | by Marty Kuhn. Contents copyright Marty Kuhn | (c) 1995 by Marty Kuhn. Elfquest, its | characters, situations, logos, and their ART | distinctive likenesses are trademarks of ? | WaRP Graphics, Inc. All Rights Reserved | Worldwide. Mystery Science Theater | 3000, its characters, situations, and Marty Kuhn | story elements are the property of Best | Brains, Inc. Any duplication or FILLER AND PLOT CONTRIVANCES | transmission of this fanfic in whole | or in part is just peachy-keen provided | this notice is left intact and no | compensation is gained or requested. Nobody at all | No endorsement by WaRP Graphics or | Best Brains is expressed or implied. EDITS | This parody/satire is written in the | spirit of fun, and is not intended to | cause harm to the abovementioned | companies, any persons involved, or | their products. Elfquest: Just Do It. | ============================================================================== Stuff That Has Already Happened: The Mad High Ones once thought they had everything under control, and that there was no way their Plan to re-gain the Palace and get power and wealth by sharing the story with humans on another world could possibly get derailed. This self-confidence, was of course, shattered in part when the Wolfriders wound up at Blue Mountain. Now the Mads have finally gotten their unwanted guests back on their way without major incident-- except for the loss of Lord Voll-- and Winnowill is no more the wiser and will no longer factor into the equation. Or, at least that's what they hope. Now, the Wolfriders have finally reached the Frozen Mountains, and, as demonstrated by their losses, are no longer being immediately directed by events shaped by Open Sending's Frank. This is because the Mads are honor-bound not to interfere with Two-Edge's "game," no matter what. [But-- do you think that will continue to stop them..?] ============================================================================== {---- Page 1 ----} ["splash" page; Frank and Dr. Claytimmain are in Deep Eight-and-Five. Frank is in the very near foreground running towards us, very obviously upset. Dr. C is standing in the background rolling his eyes back. The symbol loop (with Pini Predestinator and WaRP'ed Conclusion) is visible further in the background. Some assorted stuff from Earth is partly visible off to one side of the panel, including the ham-radio equipment from the previous episode. At the bottom of the page is the title "Dr. Claytimmain Meets Mr. Ed."] FRANK: NOOOOOO! *sob* {---- Page 2 ----} \panel 1 [large vertical panel; Frank is huddled in a chair crying] DR. C: Oh, would you just take some *control* of yourself, Frank..? FRANK: It's not fair! It's just not fair... *sniff* *sniff* \panel 2 [Dr. C is approaching Frank] DR. C: Oh, come *on*..! They *made* it, didn't they..? The Go-Backs saved them just as they were supposed to, didn't they..? \panel 3 [Dr. C is standing in front of Frank; Frank is looking up at him, still rather teary-eyed] FRANK: But, One-Eye-- he didn't... DR. C: Well, that's true-- but remember-- we knew they weren't going to make it through that unscathed-- it could have been a lot worse! {---- Page 3 ----} \panel 1 [zoom out a bit; Dr. C beckons towards the symbol loop] FRANK: And what about Cutter! He's all... broken... inside! DR. C: Now, now, Leetah can take care of him. You know that... Now, just calm down, and we'll watch the symbol loop for a while. You'll see. \panel 2 [Frank is starting to get up from the chair, but still obviously upset] FRANK: Okay, okay... \panels 3, 4, 5 [three interlocking panels which start with a wide view of the Mads watching the (unintelligible to us) symbol loop, but zoom in toward Frank's face in the successive panels. In Panel 5, Frank's eyes are wide open in surprise] {---- Page 4 ----} \panel 1 [Negative white-on-black to indicate the spirit realm. Door's spirit (Voice of Magic) floats towards Frank's spirit. VoM looks sad and upset; Frank looks a bit concerned.] VoM: ** Frank? Have you been watching any of this..? I'm frightened. I... I never got to see much of life during all the time I've spent as "Door," and now I've seen *death*... Would you please stay with me a while..? ** FRANK: ** Of course, Voice of Magic... But, I should let you know that I don't feel very strong myself. Dr. Claytimmain says that things could have been worse-- and he's right, I guess-- but I just don't feel good. I could have *done* something to *stop* it if only we hadn't have made that stupid deal with Two-Edge. ** \panel 2 [The two spirit-figures hug each other-- each is teary-eyed and has their "head" on the other's "shoulder"] VoM: ** Don't blame yourself, Frank. We can help each other if we just keep our spirits together... ** \panel 3 [The white-on-black effect goes up in a cloud-like puff as we are suddenly returned to the material world. Frank looks like he's just snapped out of a trance, and Dr. C looks at him with a veiled concern.] DR. C: Frank? Frank..? What's wrong with you now..? FRANK: Huh? Oh, it's just Voice of Magic. She just needed some comforting is all. DR. C: Oh. I somehow think she wasn't the *only* one, though. {---- Page 5 ----} \panel 1 [wide shot of the Mads standing in front of the symbol loop; Dr. C is staring intently at it] FRANK: Say, don't you think it's about time we contacted the wolf-guys? I want to tell them how sorry I am about what happened... DR. C: Well, I think they could certainly use a little cheering up, but-- \panel 2 [Dr. C grins; we can guess he's seen something interesting in the symbol loop] DR. C: Oh, wait-- *this* should be good... \panel 3 [the Go-Back lodge; wide shot. The WR's (including Leetah but not Cutter) along with Kahvi and several other Go-Backs are milling about the center fire-pit. Rayek, Leetah, Ember, and Suntop are clustered together near the covered sleep area where Cutter rests; they are obviously discussing something.] NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the Go-Back's Lodge... \panel 4 [closer view of Leetah, Rayek, Suntop, and Ember] EMBER: Hey! *I* found that finger bone you got! It's s'posed to be *you*! \panel 5 [similar view, but a send-star is in the lower left-hand corner of the panel; some radial lines are added to suggest that it is flashing.] LEETAH: I have never been happier to be proven wrong! RAYEK: You should have had more faith in me. \panel 6 [Similar to previous panel, but Rayek is looking towards the spot where the send star would be if it were actually in the scene rather than just superimposed in the artwork] RAYEK: Leetah, what is *that*? {---- Page 6 ----} \panel 1 [Ember jumps up excitedly] EMBER: *I* know! It's those Mad High Ones! They visit us all the time! SUNTOP: Yeah! I'm glad Frank's still with us! \panel 2 [the send-star is still there; Rayek looks a bit taken aback] RAYEK: High Ones? Really? LEETAH: Well, I'm not *sure*, but it does appear that way. They've been following Cutter's progress for some turns of the seasons now. They seem to be helping us, but it's hard to say... \panel 3 [Ember is tugging on Leetah's sleeve] EMBER: But father is still resting now-- Can I answer the call, mother? Pleeeese..? \panel 4 [Leetah and Rayek look at each other] \panel 5 [Leetah looks back at Ember] LEETAH: Sure, cubling. \panel 6 [Ember slaps the stone floor near where the superimposed send- star appears] EMBER: Yay! {---- Page 7 ----} \panel 1 [Deep E-a-F; Dr. C is grinning evilly. The flashing sending star no longer appears and does not reappear after this point. ] DR. C: Hello Black Hair! Sorry about the "delay..!" And hello to you, Healer's Light! Having a good time? I see you've found our little "bone of contention," as the Earth-humans would say! *chuckle* \panel 2 [Dr. C looks over at Frank as if expecting him to say something; Frank just stands there.] \panel 3 [Dr. C looks even more expectantly] DR. C: Frank..? Uh, aren't you going to say it..? \panel 4 FRANK: Say what? \panel 5 DR. C: You know-- that... stupid phrase you like to say all the time. \panel 6 [Frank shrugs his shoulders; Dr. C rolls his eyes back] {---- Page 8 ----} \panel 1 [the Go-Back's lodge; all look a bit confused. Skywise appears a bit deep in thought; as if trying to remember something.] \panel 2 [wider view-- Scouter has leapt to the foreground and is angrily waving a fist towards us] SCOUTER: You!! If it wasn't for you and your plans in the first place, my father would still be alive!! You should be thrown to the trolls *yourselves*! \panel 3 [Same view, but Scouter has sort of spent his anger] \panel 4 [Same view, but Scouter is now semi-collapsed with grief and is crying; Treestump and Redlance are moving towards Scouter as if to comfort him.] {---- Page 9 ----} \panel 1 [Deep E-a-F; Frank and Dr. C have rather sober expressions] FRANK: I'm so sorry about that. I really am. But, as I suggested to you before, we really couldn't do anything about what happened there. We have an agreement not to interfere with events right now. \panel 2 [similar view, but Dr. C's expression has changed to a sort of exaggerated grin] DR. C: I'm afraid that's right. But, it could have been a lot worse, right? C'mon, where's that smile..? See? \panel 3 [Dr. C's grin is sort of waning; Frank looks at him as if to say "told you it wouldn't work..."] \panel 4 [Dr. C tries again with a phony grin, and looks more excited this time; Frank looks puzzled] DR. C: C'mon, *I* know what will cheer you up! Frank's got a *fun* new invention to show you! FRANK: ** I *do*?? ** \panel 5 DR. C: ** Yes, Frank-- I saw you. You were working on some "Ed"-thing earlier. ** FRANK: ** But that's not *done* yet! ** DR. C: ** So what? Look. We need to cheer up the Wolfriders, so why don't you just show them what you've got-- it'll at least take their mind off of their own grief for a little while. ** \panel 6 [Frank looks unconvinced; Dr. C slaps Frank on the back] FRANK: ** Well, okay, but I don't know... ** DR. C: ** *That's* what I like to hear..! ** {---- Page 10 ----} \panel 1 [Frank is going into a trance; non-rectangular panel with fuzzy edges segues into...] \panel 2 [negative white-on-black; Frank's spirit approaches VoM's spirit] FRANK: ** Say, Voice of Magic, how'd you like to help me present my invention..? ** VoM: ** Anything to take my heart away from the pain of the moment, Frank... What do I have to do..? ** \panel 3 [There's no actual border between this and the previous panel; just sort of a gradient which bleeds from the white-on-black to the interior of Deep E-a-F.] {---- Page 11 ----} \panel 1 [Deep E-a-F; Dr. C is obviously in the middle of saying something to the WR's-- Frank is coming out of his little trance] DR. C: ...so anyway, Frank is going to show you a fine invention of his called "Ed." I'm sure it's really great..! C'mon, Frank, tell us all about it! \panel 2 FRANK: Well, as you know, we have a few helpers to assist us in developing the Elfquest story in order to make it more exciting and interesting for the readers on the Earth-world who buy the Elfquest comic books. \panel 3 FRANK: First, we had Pini Predestinator, who foreshadows the future, \panel 4 FRANK: ...and then WaRP'ed Conclusion who drops false clues and logic to encourage inaccurate speculation on the part of yourselves and the readers. \panel 5 FRANK: Well, now I've got a *new* idea which I'm sure will be of great help to our readers! Especially now that we can't use Pini Predestinator as much because of our deal with-- well I can't tell you that. DR. C: So, what does "Ed" do..? {---- Page 12 ----} \panel 1 FRANK: Well, unlike the others who monitor the *future*, Ed monitors *current* events, and looks for references to events from the *past*. Then, Ed annotates that event with a note in order to inform the reader about the reference by indicating what issue of the Elfquest comic book that event took place. DR. C: Well, I don't know... I think the Earth-humans are pretty good at remembering what happened in previous issues-- they don't have this "wolf thought" problem that certain *elves* have... Besides, how is that supposed to help *us*? \panel 2 FRANK: Well, what I've learned is that some of the humans who are just now being introduced to Elfquest are picking up the latest issues, and are confused because they don't know what happened before. By pointing to previous issues, readers like this will understand that this is an ongoing series, and will be sparked into buying back issues and graphic novels to get the rest of the story! \panel 3 DR. C: Hmm... Not bad... I think the humans are perceptive enough to realize that they're missing parts of the story, however. But, it's certainly worth a shot-- show us what you've got, Frank! {---- Page 13 ----} \panel 1 FRANK: It's simple! All anyone has to do is refer to past events from the symbol loop. My friend Voice of Magic is standing in for the role of "Ed" for this demonstration. Now, normally, Ed would act in a way silent to everyone else. However, in this case, Ed will interrupt your actions with a send whenever she is triggered by something. Go ahead and try it! \panel 2 [Go-Backs lodge; Kahvi and the other Go-Backs seem to be getting a bit curious about-- and a bit annoyed by-- these two "intruders." Rayek and Kahvi are standing near Leetah.] RAYEK: Leetah, is it true that these two "High Ones" are able to alter events the way they claim? \panel 3 [Leetah looks as if she is about to say something, but Kahvi interrupts] KAHVI: What's with all this poking magic anyway..? These two don't look like the High Ones *I* know of. Phaug! Just what we need! Magic users who deal with stinking humans and think they can change our lives! If these two are anything like the High Ones that our dead join at the Palace, then we may as well just give up the whole fight for good! \panel 4 [Leetah speaks to Kahvi] LEETAH: Well, they are a bit strange, yes, but they usually try to help us. I think... KAHVI: You *think*? Give an *example* to show that they really *are* on our side. \panel 5 [Leetah is obviously trying to think of something; Skywise wanders over] LEETAH: Ummm... {---- Page 14 ----} \panel 1 [Skywise is facing Kahvi and Leetah] SKYWISE: Well, they *did* apparently get those humans to burn down our Holt-- VoM: *ding!* [* See EQ #1 --Ed.] [NOTE: the VoM line above and the others like it are put in small rectangular boxes with a partially overlapping send-star (similar to a send coming from someone not visible in a panel). The "ding!" is written as a sound-effect, and is not in the word balloon/box.] \panel 2 [All in the group appear slightly puzzled and silently look at each other] \panel 3 [Kahvi looks at Skywise with a puzzled expression] SKYWISE: ...but if they had never had done that, we'd never have learned more about the other elves in this world-- VoM *ding!* [* See EQ #2 and EQ #11 --Ed.] \panel 4 [Kahvi now is biting her lip in a look of unfocused anger; Skywise scratches his head-- he seems to have lost his train of thought. Yif is a background character who has gone unnoticed in the scene until now.] YIF: Hey! What *is* that, anyway? SKYWISE: ...and... uh... \panel 5 [Rayek interjects] RAYEK: But, how powerful are these "High Ones..?" I thought I lost the trial of Head, Hand, and Heart fair and-- VoM *ding!* [* See Elfquest #3 and #4 --Ed.] {---- Page 15 ----} \panel 1 [Rayek is now shaking his head; Kahvi looks like she's about ready to kill someone] KAHVI: Dung! These "Ed" sends are less welcome than those gut-stinking *trolls* who ambushed you Wolfriders today! I'm about-- VoM: *ding!* [* See previous issue --Ed.] \panel 2 [Kahvi leaps out at us in attack with her spear] KAHVI: NOW STOP THAT!! \panel 3 [Kahvi stops short, apparently realizing again that there's nothing material out there for her to stab at. Everyone is looking at Kahvi.] {---- Page 16 ----} \panel 1 [Deep E-a-F; Dr. C and Frank are facing each other.] DR. C: *ahem* Frank, much as I hate to think I'm actually *agreeing* with Kahvi-- those "Ed"-boxes of yours are starting to get really irritating. \panel 2 [Frank looks a bit disappointed] DR. C: Besides, all the statements that "Ed" has marked so far already *implied* that they were references to previous issues anyway. \panel 3 [Frank looks more disappointed] DR. C: Telling them which issue of the comic book to find it in won't help if they don't have the book in the first place. And, if they already had the *book*, then they wouldn't need to go out and *buy* a copy. FRANK: Oh. \panel 4 [Frank still looks depressed] DR. C: So, in other words, this idea of yours isn't likely to cause people to buy more comic books than they would otherwise, and everyone who already has read them are just getting distracting messages about events they already know about. \panel 5 DR. C: Besides, the Earth-humans seem to prefer to read stories which offer them a sort of *reward* for paying attention-- they like being able to fit the links of past, present, and future without blatant prompting. {---- Page 17 ----} \panel 1 [Dr. C makes a sort of sweeping motion with his arm as if to indicate the WR's on the other "side" of their contact] DR. C: Now as an example, remember when you called the Wolfriders just now, Leetah was holding that old finger bone. Now, in order to provide a cue for the Wolfriders, I wanted *you* to say the phrase that-- \panel 2 [Frank's face brightens] FRANK: --oh, *now* I know what you meant! Yeah! \panel 3 [Frank looks at us, beaming] FRANK: Watch out for snakes! VoM: *ding!* [* See Elfquest #9 --Ed. ] \panel 4 [Dr. C glares at Frank; Frank has a nervous smile] {---- Page 18 ----} \panel 1: [Dr. C is a bit angry; Frank shrinks back slightly] DR. C: Alright, *that's* enough. I want you to stop this nonsense right *now*, thank you. \panel 2: [Dr. glares at Frank slightly; Frank looks a bit dejected] FRANK: ** Sorry, Voice of Magic, but you heard Dr. Claytimmain... ** \panel 3: DR. C: Thanks. Look. If you want to help the readers, why not just make a separate page at the beginning of each comic which sort of recaps the earlier plot..? Besides, even if those publishing-humans ever actually *wanted* something like this, they could just as easily do it without *our* help anyway. FRANK: Well, *true*, but if *they* do it, they might make a mistake or something... VoM: *ding!* [* See Hidden Years #26 --Ed.] \panel 4: [Dr. C and Frank appear both a bit confused and a bit surprised] \panel 5: [Dr. C silently glares at Frank] \panel 6: [Dr. C yells angrily] DR. C: FRANK! VOICE OF MAGIC! I thought I told you two to *stop* this idiocy! Do so, Frank, or I shall have to stop *you*! NOW! {---- Page 19 ----} \panel 1: [White-on-black negative; the spirits of Frank and Voice of Magic are visible] FRANK: ** Please, Voice of Magic, I mean, it was fun and all, but I really do need you to stop... ** VoM: ** I'm sorry, Frank-- I truly didn't mean to make that last reference there-- I don't know what caused me to do that. What's a "Hidden Years" anyway..? ** \panel 2: FRANK: ** I don't know. That title sounds familiar... It's an Elfquest comic book series printed later on in the Earth-world, but I don't know anything else about it. ** \panel 3: VoM: ** I wonder why I felt like I had to make a reference to it now. I've certainly never seen it... However, I don't want you to get in any more trouble, so I think I'm just going to return to watching over the elves at the Go-Back's lodge. ** \panel 4: [VoM's spirit is leaving the field of view] FRANK: ** Thanks for your help! ** VoM: ** Touch you again soon! ** {---- Page 20 ----} \panel 1: [Deep E-a-F: Dr. C and Frank are facing us; apparently he's speaking to the WR's] DR. C: Well, I think we can *all* rest assured that we won't be seeing *that* invention again. And if we *do*-- just remember, Frank-- \panel 2: [Dr. C looks at Frank a bit evilly] DR. C: --Pain for you means fun for me! \panel 3: [Dr. C looks at us again, but still grinning evilly; Frank doesn't appear so happy] DR. C: Speaking of which, soon it will be time for something which definitely *won't* be fun for some of you-- but if everything goes well, we'll all be truly glad for it! See you all later! {---- Page 21 ----} \panel 1 [Go-Back lodge; wide shot; everyone is just sort of looking at each other] \panel 2 [closer shot of Rayek, Kahvi, Leetah, and the cubs.] RAYEK: Are those two *always* like that..? LEETAH: Most of the time, I daresay... \panel 3 [same shot, but lots of flashing lights are superimposed, along with some "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" sound effects. Everyone is looking more animated and looking all about.] KAHVI: Just what in the name of the Great Ice Wall is *this*..? It makes me want to run in circles like some fevered fawn! LEETAH: You'll just have to run with it, I'm afraid-- \panel 4 [big panel with a wide shot of the lodge; everyone is running around and yelling] EMBER: WE'VE GOT TWOMOONS SIGN! {---- Page 22 ----} \panel 1: [Deep E-a-F: Dr. C and Frank are relaxing a bit] NARRATOR: A short time later, in Deep Eight-and-Five... DR. C: Say, Frank-- did you find out anything from that friend of yours on the Earth-world about getting those Elfquest comic books from the future? I would really like to see how this is going to turn out. \panel 2: FRANK: Well, he said he'd be happy to send us the comic books, but-- DR. C: Great! What does he want in return? \panel 3: FRANK: First, well... he wants me to tell him the story of how we started this whole "Elfquest" thing, and how we shaped the stories. Particularly our communications with the wolf-guys and stuff. DR. C: Well... alright. But tell him that *we* get a share of whatever he makes on this story! What else does he want? \panel 4: [Frank looks a bit embarrassed] FRANK: Uh, remember that... uh... contest fantasy he had..? DR. C: Unfortunately, yes... {---- Page 23 ----} \panel 1: [Dr. C is pacing around the room while talking to Frank] DR. C: However, we dare not even attempt a transfer like that with Egg at this time-- we know that Winnowill is likely to become more openly powerful around here, and who knows what that's going to mean. \panel 2: DR. C: We're just going to have to wait until we can at least learn more about her intentions. It certainly won't help for us to have to worry about herding some Earth-human around here too. Assuming it even *works*. \panel 3: FRANK: But-- what about our "Win a Night on the World of Two Moons Contest?" \panel 4: DR. C: We're just going to have to wait, is all. Besides, the readers will likely expect to be able to enter our world at the same time period the comic books are taking place in, and right now most of our established characters are a bit too busy for this sort of thing. Once we get the Palace back, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time before Rayek figures out how to make the Palace fly again-- and we can all *leave* this world. \panel 5: [Dr. C has stopped pacing, and has stopped in front of the table. There's a small item on the table with a sheet draped over it. Dr. C is reaching out for the sheet.] DR. C: In the meantime, however, I've got a *new* plan... {---- Page 24 ----} [full-page panel-- Dr. C proudly lifts the sheet, revealing an ordinary desk telephone from Earth. Frank looks on in surprise. There is a small sign behind the phone which reads: "Call 1-900-ELF-SEND Today!"] ============================================================================== O P E N S E N D I N G S Please send your comments and complaints to mkuhn@cs.uiowa.edu ------------------- >From: Z_RIGBYHA@TITAN.SFASU.EDU >Subject: Re: Mystery Elfquest Theater -- Show \116 > > >Oooh! Oooh! I want in the WOTM, MET-style!!!!!! Puh-leeeees!!!!!! >I can be really funny, wolf-friend Snickers and Preserver ally Flutter-by. >Please! Please! I really want to give Dr. Claytimmain a taste of his >own medicine, Crossover style. > >Heather (Goldeneyes) I'm sorry, but as you should have seen from reading so far, the ability to be really *funny* pretty much disqualifies anyone from consideration for work on this series, including me... >From: Fox Cutter >Subject: Re: [POINTER] Mystery Elfquest Theater -- Show \117 > >Your sick, twisted, demented and in need of major counceling. Your >perfect!!!! I want to see more of the series!! > >--Fox Cutter You want *more* of this series? And my psychiatrist thinks *I'm* insane... >From: Z_RIGBYHA@TITAN.SFASU.EDU >Subject: Re: MET 5670 idea > >Uh, Dr. Claytimmain, Frank? I'd like to talk with you about your >contest. > >I would like to be with the Wolfriders before the great Shards split >and I would like to sing for them the songs on the Elfquest CD, A Wolf- >rider's Reflections. It'd be cool to get a chance to talk philosophy >with Skywise, and to make hidden jokes about Jah-Fahr, and other puns, >as bad as those puns may be, and then I want to travel to Jink's time >and ask her who her parents were, just so I could know. And then I >want to visit the Rebels and have a long talk with Chandra, Shimmer, and >especially Rose. > >Oh, and another thing, Dr. Claytimmain, you need to be more respectful to >Frank. He's a good person on the inside, as you finally realized when you >almost lost him, and he deserves respect. Frank, you and Nummy-Muffin- >Cocul-Runner hold a Howl for me, okay? I think that you are wonderful, and >I love your 'Friend. > >Heather (Goldeneyes Dreamsail, Elf of House Dramsol) Hmm. Wait. Where have I seen this name and email address before... Thanks to everyone who wrote in-- both of you. :-) Oh, and I asked Frank about your request. He wants to know who Jink is. [I told him I'd let him know as soon as *we* figured that out. :-) ] He's also glad to know that someone likes his wolf-friend, and thanks you for the kind words. He'd tell Dr. Claytimmain, but last time he said something to him about getting more respect, he wasn't able to say anything more for several days. ============================================================================== NEXT ISSUE! ----------------------------------- | | | [ASCII artwork not available] | | | | | | (Imagine Cutter and Kahvi | | dancing "The Hustle" in the | | foreground, with the other | | Wolfriders and Go-Backs in | | the background dancing | | and/or cheering on Cutter | | and Kahvi. There's a | | mirror-ball dangling from | | the ceiling reflecting | | spots of white light every- | | where; the dance floor is | | also lit with lots of squares | | of flashing light. ) ---------------------------- -------------------------| | | "Go-Back Dance With Me!" | | | ---------------------------- ============================================================================== INTRODUCING.... The M a d * S h o p ...the place where you can get all kinds of junk which only the Mad High Ones would possibly endorse! ------------------ | Mad Merchandise! | ------------------ The Official Elfquest Now-Of-Wolf-Thought Watch by Frank!: Yes, you'll always know what time it is with your very own "Now-Of- Wolf-Thought" wristwatch, as designed by Frank himself! Fashionable genuine leather strap accentuates almost-real Troll-Gold(tm) color- plated finish (also available in semi-genuine Brightmetal(tm)). Accurate quartz movement is unhindered by cumbersome and unsightly hour, minute, or second hands-- you'll know it's "now" no matter when! [ ] "Troll-Gold" $34.95 [ ] "Brightmetal" $29.95 The Official Elfquest Wolf-Bond by Frank!: Yet another fine invention by Frank-- you'll find 1001 uses for this amazing product! Not only will it give you a closer relationship with your resident near-wolf, but it mends cups, plates, toys, a table lamp, a model plane, model trains, and the plastic trim on any car! Not liable for physical damage caused by use or misuse of product. [ ] 1 oz. tube, $19.95 The Official Wolfrider Cookbook edited by Frank!: A delicious collection of every Wolfrider's favorite cooked meals! MMM! MMM! Good! Also doubles as a sketch-pad or memo book. [ ] 70 sheets, college ruled $ 9.95 -------------------------- | !NEW! Wear Ware Where! | -------------------------- Elfquest, The T-Shirt: Genuine Factory Second mostly-cotton T-shirt available with your choice of several cheap-looking color transfers! [ ] My Lifemate Went to the Lost Palace of the High Ones, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt [ ] Quest Naked [ ] I've Fallen, And I Can't Reach the Dreamberry Wine [ ] "Big Johnson"-brand lodestones-- You'll Always Have Your Way When You Carry A "Big Johnson." [ ] Have You Hugged Your Elf Today? [ ] Do You Share..? [features Kahvi] Choose shirt size: [ ] Really Small [ ] Extra-Medium [ ] Kinda Large [ ] Fairly Large [ ] Huge (sizes may vary) (all sizes $17.95) >> HOW TO ORDER -- BY MAIL - On a separate sheet of paper, write the following information: - Your name, your mailing address including ZIP/postal code, and your phone number in case we need to send our collection agency out after you - Your age - Your I.Q. - Your shoe size - Your favorite color - Five words which begin and end with the letter "E" - The list of items with their prices that you wish to order-- total it up. - The list of items with their prices that you *don't* wish to order-- total that up too. - Now add the totals from those two lists together. - Take that number, and add 5% ($20 minimum) for shipping and handling. - Add an additional 25% for insurance (optional, but see below). - Now add $5 to your final total just because it's fun to do. - Send cash (in small, unmarked bills) or .999 fine gold bullion for the total amount you calculated above to the following address: Clandestine Sales / General Delivery / Poughkeepsie, NY Alternatively, place payment in an unmarked briefcase, and take it to the old abandoned warehouse next to the railroad tracks. At midnight, go to the little side door in the alley, knock 3 times, and ask for Guido the Elf. >> HOW TO ORDER -- BY PHONE - Dial 1-900-ELF-SEND (as described elsewhere in this issue) and give your order to the operator who answers. Stay on the line as long as necessary for the operator to receive your order (this usually takes 20 to 30 minutes, perhaps longer). Normal charges for 1-900-ELF-SEND will apply in addition to whatever we decide your order will cost. >> OTHER IMPORTANT STUFF - All orders subject to availability of merchandise. - Please allow 4-6 months for delivery. If you don't hear from us in that time, well, wait some more. We'll send you your merchandise just as soon as we're good and ready. - All residents must add 8% sales tax just in case. - Not responsible for non-delivery of uninsured orders. - All items are sold AS-IS with no warranty expressed or implied. All customers must agree to waive any "fitness for use" implied warranty which may be covered under their local, state, or federal laws. - All orders subject to substitution or cancellation at any time at our option with no refund offered or given. - All prices subject to change at our whim without warning. Any price increases will also take effect retroactively up to 5 years after purchase. - Failure to abide by these terms may result in cement shoes, or, if we're in a good mood, then loss of limb, family members, or pets. ============================================================================== You've read the books! You've bought the comics! You've listened to the music! ...but you haven't actually *met* the elves! Call 1-900-ELF-SEND and touch the thoughts of the elf(*) of your choice! [$5.00 for the first minute, $3.00 each additional minute] ** It's fun! ** ** It's exciting! ** ** It's expensive! ** ** Join us! (**) ** (*) or human impersonations thereof (**) For a more surprisingly tasteless "tele-joining" experience, however, try: 1-900-ELF-LUST and 1-900-HOT-4-ELF [Adults only. $7.00 first minute, $5.00 each additional minute] ============================================================================== [Editor Note: I have no idea what this is, but Frank gave it to me...] ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT Daystar Motor Fuel ...It's What Keeps Abode Running! -------------------------- | | | \ ..:::.. / | | .:::::::. | | - D a y s t a r - | | ':::::::' ############################################## | / '':::'' \ | ###### | | ###### -------------------------- ###### ###### ###### #### /--\ ###### #### -------------- <) || ##### #### | | (> | | -||- ##### #### | ------- | /- | | ##### #### -----|==^==|----- P MM |----| ##### #### | ( ) ===== ( ) | MM |----| _ ##### - #### ----------------- |W --||-- ##### - #### _ || || _W| |______| ##### #### _ - - _ ##### - - - - - _ _ - - Apply for your Daystar Fuel purchase card today! Your Daystar Fuel card is accepted wherever you see these signs: \ /^\ / | | | | |- \\ // /-----\ - Daystar - Friendship- Vastdeep | Arkon | / \./ \ - \\// \-----/ - Eastern Junsland Iceholt Iceholt Hearthstone Central Junsland ,((~~)), Your Daystar Fuel card is also good at ( Holt Inn ) lodges. / \ --------------- | . | | =---|---> | * Listen to _The Daystar Hour_, | | | featuring the comedy of Mela Mikjee --------------- and Canard-- on all-world broadcast. See Abode Best By Car ============================================================================== ^wwwww^ \ . . / A Difference of oPINIon: (=m=) U Well, it finally happened. Thanks to skyrocketing pixel prices, Wolf Comics can no longer afford to bring you the fully formed characters on your screen that you, the reader, should expect from electronically distributed fan-fiction. Because of tnis, uou mau noticc a slioht reouction in tne rcadabilitu of tcxt in futurc issucs, pcrnaps evcn leadino to mising chrctrs entrlu. Wof Comis s wrking to mak surc tnat thc impct of ths on thc readr is mnmizd, and we hpe to rcstre nrmal letring as son as posibl. Thnks' --Mrtu ============================================================================== COMING SOON OR PERHAPS NEXT YEAR OR PROBABLY NOT AT ALL FROM WOLF COMICS! The Mystery Elfquest Theater Not-So-Graphic Not-So-Novel! Just what you never wanted! A collection of every episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, all in one easy-to-discard volume! This limited edition (limited to some integer between zero and 500 billion) book will have literally thousands of uses! - level that wobbly table! - instant firelighters! - emergency toilet paper! - mop up spilled liquids! - bird cage liners! ...and it makes *great* julienne fries! To order this exciting product, see your local Books-Too-Many (tm), ReadNWeep (tm), or Paper/Cut (tm) store-- or, send only $999.98 (plus all other appropriate charges) to the Mad*Shop address given inside this issue! ==============================================================================